Account of the Life of Whitefield

SECTION I.

From my Infancy, 'till my being for some Time at the University.

_I WAS born in Gloucester in the Month of December, 1714. My Father and Mother kept the Bell-Inn: The former died when I was two Years old, the latter is now alive; and has often told me, how she endured fourteen Weeks Sickness after she brought me into the World; but was used to say, even when I was an Infant, that she expected more Comfort from me than any other of her Children. This, with the Circumstance of my being born in an Inn, has been often of Service to me, in exciting me to make good my Mother's Expectations; and to follow the Example of my dear Savior, who was born in a Stable, and laid in a Manger belonging to an Inn.

My very infant Years must necessarily not be mentioned: Yet I can remember such early Stirrings of Corruption in my Heart, as abundantly convince me, that I was conceived and born in Sin; that in me dwelleth no good Thing by Nature; and, that if GOD had not freely prevented me by his Grace, I must have been forever banished from his divine Presence.

I can truly say, I was froward from my Mother's Womb: I was so brutish as to hate Instruction, and used purposely to shun all Opportunities of receiving it. I can date some very early Acts of Uncleanness. I soon gave pregnant Proofs of an impudent Temper. Lying, filthy Talking, and foolish Jesting, I was much addicted to, even when very young. Sometimes I used to Curse, if not Swear. Stealing from my Mother I thought no Theft at all, and therefore used to make no Scruple of Stealing Money out of her Pocket before she was up; and have more than once spent Money I took in the House in buying Fruits, Tarts, &c. to satisfy my sensual Appetite. I was never much given to Fighting; but that, I fear, rather proceeded from Cowardice, than a Principle of Meekness, or a good Temper. Numbers of Sabbaths have I broken; and generally used to behave myself very irreverently in GOD's Sanctuaries. Much Money have I spent in Plays, and in the common Entertainments of the Age. Cards, and Reading Romances were my Heart's Delight. Often have I joined with others in Playing roguish Tricks; but was generally, if not always, happily detected; for which I have often since, and do now, praise GOD.

It would be endless to recount the Sins and Offences of my younger Days; they are more in Number than the Hairs of my Head; my Heart would fail me at the Remembrance of them, was I not assured that my Redeemer liveth ever to make Intercession for me. However the young Man in the Gospel might boast, that he had kept, yet (with Shame and Confusion of Face) I confess, that all GOD's Commandments I have broken from my Youth. Whatever foreseen Fitness others may boast of for Salvation (if I trace myself from my Cradle to my Manhood) I can see nothing in me but a Fitness to be damned. And, if GOD had not quickened me by his Free Spirit when dead in Trespasses and Sins, and irresistibly worked upon my Soul, I had now either been sitting. in Darkness and in the Shadow of Death, or been condemned, as the due Reward of my Crimes, to be forever lifting up my Eyes i • Torments.

But, such was the Free Grace of GOD to me, that though' Corruption worked so strongly in my Soul, and produced such early and bitter Fruits; yet, I can recollect very early Movings of the Blessed Spirit upon my Heart, sufficient to satisfy me that GOD loved me with an everlasting Love, and separated me (even from my Mother's Womb) for the Work to which he afterwards was pleased to call me.

I had early some Convictions of Sin; and once, I remember, when Persons (as they frequently did) made it their Business to tantalize me, I immediately retired to my Room and kneeled down, and with many Tears, prayed over that Psalm wherein David so often repeats these Words, But in the Name of the LORD will I destroy them. I was always fond of being a Clergyman; I used frequently to imitate the Minister's Reading Prayers, and to make little Sermons in little Books about as long as my Finger. Part of the Money I used to steal from my Parents, I gave to the Poor, and some Books I privately took from others (for which I have since returned Four-fold) I remember were Books of Devotion.

My Mother was very careful of my Education, put me out to two different Schools to board, and always kept me in my tender Years (for which I can never sufficiently thank her) from intermeddling in the least with public Business.

About the tenth Year of my Age, it pleased GOD to permit my Mother to marry a second Time. It proved what the World would call an unhappy Match, as to temporal Things; but GOD overruled it for Good. It set many of my Brethren upon thinking more than otherwise they would have done, and made an uncommon Impression upon my own Heart in particular.

When I was about Twelve, I was placed at a School called St. Mary de Cryps, in Gloucester, the last G • amma • School I ever went to. Having a good Elocution and Memory, I was remark'd for my making Speeches before the Corporation at their annual Visitations: But I cannot say I felt any Drawings of GOD upon my Soul, for a Year or two, saving, that I laid out some of the Money, that was given me on one of the fore-mentioned Occasions, in Buying Ken's Manual for Winchester Scholars, a Book that had much affected me, when my Brother used to read it in my Mother's Troubles, and which, for some Time after I bought it, was of great Benefit to my Soul.

During the Time of my being at School, I was very fond of Reading Plays; and have kept from School for Days together, to prepare myself for acting them. My Master, seeing how mine and my School-Fellows Vein run, composed Something of this Kind for us himself, and caused 〈◊〉 to dress myself in Girl's Cloaths (which I had often done) to act a Part before the Corporation; a Thing which ha •• and, I trust, will still cause me much Sorrow, even to the End of my Life.

For, though GOD brought Good afterwards, even out of this Evil, as it was a Means of strengthening my Memory, and teaching me a proper Gesture in Speaking; yet, this Way of Training up Youth, has a natural Tendency to debauch the Mind, to raise ill Passions, and to stuff the Memory with Things as contrary to the Gospel of JESUS CHRIST as Darkness to Light, Hell to Heaven: However, though the first Thing I had to repent of, was my Education in general; yet, I must always acknowledge, my particular Thanks are due to my Master, for the great Pains he took with me and the other Scholars, in teaching us to speak and write correctly.

Before I was Fifteen, having, as I thought, made a sufficient Progress in the Classicks, and secretly longing to be set at Liberty from the Confinement of a School, I one Day told my Mother, since her Circumstances would not permit to give me an University Education, more Learning, I thought, would spoil me for a Tradesman; and therefore I judged it best, not to learn Latin any longer. She at first refused to consent; but my Corruption soon got the better of her good Nature. Hereupon, for some Time, I went to learn to write only. But my Mother's Circumstances being much on the Decline, and I being tractable that Way, I from Time to Time, began to assist her occasionally in the Public House, till at length, I put on my blue Apron and my Snuffers, washed Mops, clean'd Rooms, and, in one Word, became a professed and common Drawer for near a Year and an half.

But he, who was with David when he was following the Sheep big with young, was with me even here. For notwithstanding I was thus employed in a common Inn, and had sometimes the Care of the whole House upon my Hands; yet I composed two or three Sermons, and 〈◊〉 one of them, in particular, to my 〈◊〉 Brother. One Time, I remember, I was much pressed to Self-Examination, and found myself very unwilling, at first, to look into my Heart. And when a dear Youth (now with GOD) would often come entreating me, when serving at the Bar, to go to Oxford; my general Answer was, I wish I could.

And He, that has promised to fulfil the Desires of them that fear him, was pleased to fulfil this Desire his holy Spirit had put into my Heart.

When I had been employed above a Year in this servile Manner, my Mother was obliged to leave the Inn. My Brother, who had been bred up for the Business, married. All was made over to him. I being accustomed to the House, it was agreed on all Hands, that I should continue there as an Assistant. But GOD's Thoughts were not as our Thoughts; by his good Providence it happened, that my Sister-in-Law and I could by no Means agree; and at length the Resentment grew to such an Height, that my proud Heart would scarce suffer me to speak to her for three Weeks together: But, notwithstanding I was much to blame, yet I used to retire and weep, as Hagar did before the LORD, little thinking, that GOD, by this Means, was forcing me out of the Public-Business, and calling me from drawing Wine for Drunkards, to draw Water out of the Wells of Salvation, for the Refreshment of his spiritual Israel. After continuing a long Time under this Burden of Mind, I at length resolved, thinking my Absence would make all Things easy, to go away: Accordingly, by the Advice of my Brother, and Consent of my Mother, I went to see my elder Brother, then settled at Bristol.

And here GOD was pleased to give me great Foretastes of his Love, and filled me with such unspeakable Raptures in St. John' s Church, that I was carried out even beyond myself. I felt great Hungrings and Thirstings after the blessed Sacrament, and wrote many pious Letters to my Mother, telling her, I would never go into the public Employ again. Kempis was my great Delight, and I was always impatient, till the Bell rung to call me to tread the Courts of the LORD'S House: But, in the Midst of these Illuminations, something secretly whisper'd, this would not last.

And indeed so it happened: For (Oh that I could write it in Tears of Blood!) when I left Bristol (as I did in about two Months) and returned to Gloucester, I changed my Devotion with my Place. Alas, all my Fervour went off! I had no Inclination to go to Church or draw nigh unto GOD. In short, my Heart (though' I had so lately tasted of his Love) was far from him.

However, I had so much Religion left, as to persist in my Resolution not to live in the Inn: And therefore my Mother gave me leave, though' she had but a little Income, to have a Bed upon the Ground, and live at her House, till Providence should point out a Place for me.

Having now, as I thought, Nothing to do, it was a proper Season for Satan to tempt me. Much of my Time I spent in reading Plays, and in saunt'ring from Place to Place. I was careful to adorn my Body, but took little Pains to deck and beautify my Soul. Evil Communications, with my old School-Fellows, soon corrupted my good Manners. By seeing their evil Practices, a Sense of the divine Presence and past Convictions insensibly wore off my Mind; and I at length fell secretly into a Sin, for which O • a • died; the dismal Effects of which I have felt and groaned under ever since.

But GOD, whose Gifts and Callings are without Repentance, would let Nothing pluck me out of his Hands, though' I was continually opposing the Spi • i • 〈◊〉 Grace. He saw me, with Pity and Compassion, when lying in my Blood. He passed by me; He said unto me, LIVE; and even then gave me some Foresight of his Providing for me.

One Morning, as I was reading a Play to my Sister, said I, Sister, I believe GOD intends Something for me, which we know not of. As I have been diligent in Business, I believe many would gladly have me for an Apprentice; but every Way seems to be bar'd up, so that GOD, I think, will provide for me some Way or other.

How I came to say these Words, I know not. GOD afterwards shown me they came from him; for, having lived thus with my Mother for a considerable time, a young Student, who was once a School-Fellow, and then a Servitor of Pembroke-College, Oxford, came to pay my Mother a Visit. Among other Conversation he told her, how he had discharged all College Expences that Quarter, and received a Penny. Upon this, my Mother immediately cried out, That will do for me. Then turning to me, she said, Will you go to Oxford, George? Yes, I replied, with all my Heart. Whereupon, having the same Friends as this Student had, my Mother, without Delay, waited upon them. They promised their Interest to get me a Servitor's Place in the same College. She then applied to my old Master, who much approved of my coming to School again.

In about a Week I went and re-entered myself, and being grown pretty much in Stature, my Master addressed me thus, I see George, you are advanced in Stature, but your better Part must needs have gone backwards. This made me blush. He set me a proper Theme to translate into Latin; and though' I had made no Application to my Classicks for so long a Time, yet I had but one inconsiderable Fault in my Exercise. This, I believe, somewhat surprised my Master, and has afforded me Matter of Praise and Thanks ever since.

Being re-settled at School, I spared no Pains to go forward in my Book. GOD was pleased to give me his Blessing; and I learnt much faster than ever I did before.

All this while I continued in secret Sin; and at length got acquainted with a Set of such debauched, abandoned, atheistical Youths, that if GOD, by his free, unmerited, distinguishing Grace, had not delivered me out of their Hands, I should, long since, have sat in the Scorner's Chair, My Thoughts of Religion, insensibly grew more and more lax. I went to public Service only to make Game and walk about. I took Pleasure in their lewd Conversation. I began to reason, as they did; and to ask, Why GOD had given me Passions, and not permitted me to gratify them? Not considering, that GOD did not, originally, give us these corrupt Passions; and that he had promised Help to withstand them, if we would ask it of him. In short, I soon made a great Proficiency in the School of the Devil. I affected to look rakish, and was in a fair Way of being as infamous as the worst of them.

But (Oh stupendous Love!) GOD even here stopped me, when running on in a full Career to Hell. For, just as I was upon the Brink of Ruin, he gave me such a Distaste of their Principles and Practices, that I discovered them to my Master, who soon put a Stop to their Proceedings.

Being thus delivered out of the Snares of the Devil, I began to be more and more serious; and felt GOD convicting and working upon my Soul in some small Degree. One Day, as I was coming down Stairs, and overheard my Friends speaking well of me, GOD so deeply convicted me of my Hypocrisy, that though' I had formed frequent, but ineffectual Resolutions before, yet I had then Power given me, over my secret and darling S •• . Notwithstanding, some time afterwards, being overtaken in Liquor (as I have been twice or thrice in my Life time) Satan gained his usual Advantage over me again. An experimental Proof to my poor Soul, how that wicked One makes Use of Men as Machines, to work up to just what he pleases, when by Intemperance they have chased the Spirit of GOD from them.

Being now near the Seventeenth Year of my Age, I was resolved to prepare myself for the Holy Sacrament; which I received on Christmas-Day. I began now to be more and more watchful over my Thoughts, Words and Actions: I kept the following Lent, Fasting Wednesdays and Fridays, thirty six Hours together. My Evenings (when I had done waiting upon my Mother) were generally spent in Acts of Devotion, reading Drelincourt upon Death, and other practical Books; and I constantly went to public Worship twice a Day. Being now Upper Boy, 〈◊〉 GOD's Help, I made some Reformation among my School-Fellows. Was 〈◊〉 diligent in Reading and Learning the •••• sicks, and in Studying my Greek Testament: But was not yet convinced of the absolute Unlawfulness of Playing Cards, Reading and Seeing Plays; though' I begun to have some Scruples about them.

Near this Time I dreamed, That I was to see GOD on Mount Sinai; but was afraid to meet him. This made a great Impression upon me: A Gentlewoman to whom I told it, said, George this is a Call from GOD.

Still I grew more serious after this Dream; but yet Hypocrisy crept into every Action. As once I affected to look more Rakish, I now strove to appear more Grave than really I was. However, an uncommon Concern and Alteration were visible in my Behaviour. I often used to find fault with the Lightness of others, and sometimes took upon me to reprove my elder Brethren.

Not long after, as I was going one Night on an Errand for my Mother, an unaccountable, but very strong Impression was made upon my Heart, that I should preach and print quickly. When I came home I innocently told my Mother what had befallen me: But she (like Joseph' s Parents, when he told them his Dream) turning short upon me, cried out, What does the Boy mean? Prithee hold thy Tongue; or something to that Purpose. Since, GOD has shewn her from whom those Impres ••••• came.

For a Twelve-Month I went on in a Round of Duties, receiving the Sacrament monthly, Fasting frequently, attending constantly on public Worship, and Praying often more than twice a Day in private. One of my Brothers used to tell me, he feared this would not hold long, and that I would forget all when I came to Oxford. This Caution did me much Service; it fet me upon Praying to GOD for Perseverance: And, under GOD, the Preparation I made in the Country was an excellent Preservative against those manifold Temptations which beset me at my first coming to that Seat of Learning.

Being near Eighteen, it was judged a proper Time for my going to the University. GOD had sweetly prepared my Way. The Friends before applied to, recommended me to the Master of Pembroke-College; another Friend took up Ten Pounds upon Bond (which I have since paid) to defray the first Expences of Entering; and the Master (contrary to all Expectations) admitted me Servitor immediately.

Soon after my Admission, I went to reside (and found my being) at a Public House was of Service to me: For, all the Servitors being sick at my first coming up, by my diligent and speedy Attendance, I ingratiated myself into the Gentlemens Favor so far, that many, who had it in their own Power, chose me to be their Servitor. This much lessened my Expence: And, indeed, GOD was so good to me, that with the Profits of my Place, and some little Presents made me by my kind Tutor, for almost the Three first Years, I did not put all my Relations together to above Eight Pounds Expence per Ann. And it has often grieved my Soul, to see so many young Men spending their Substance in extravagant Living, and thereby entirely unfitting themselves for the Prosecution of their Studies.

I had not been long here, before I found the Benefit of the Foundation I had laid in the Country for a Holy Life. I was quickly solicited to join with several, who lay in the same Room, in their Excess of Riot. GOD, in answer to my Prayers, gave me Grace to withstand them; and, once in particular, it being cold, my Thighs were so benumb'd by Sitting alone in my Study, because I would not go out amongst them, that I could scarce sleep all Night. But I soon found the Benefit of not Yielding: For, when they perceived they could not prevail, they let me alone for a singular, comical Fellow.

All this while I was not fully satisfied of the Sin of Playing at Cards, and Reading of Plays, 'til GOD, upon a Fast-Day, was pleased to convince me: For taking the Play called George Barnwell, to read a Passage out of it to a Friend, GOD struck my Heart with such Power, that I was obliged to lay it down; and, blessed be his Name, I have never read any such Book since.

Before I went to the University, I met with Mr. Law's Serious Call to a devout Life; but had not then Money enough to purchase it. Soon after my coming up to the University, I seeing a small Edition of it in a Friend's Hand, soon procured it. GOD worked powerfully upon my Soul, as he has since upon many others, by that and his other Treatise upon Christian Perfection; for which I desire to bless his Holy Name.

I now began to pray and sing Psalms thrice every Day, besides Morning and Evening; to fast every Friday; and to receive the Sacrament at a Parish-Church near our College, and at the Castle where the despised Methodists used to receive once a Month.

The young Men so called, were then much talked of at Oxford: I had heard of and loved them, before I came to the University 〈◊〉 so strenuously defended them, when 〈…〉 them 〈◊〉 by the Students, 〈…〉 that I also, 〈…〉 be one of them.

For above a Twelvemonth, my Soul ••• ged to be acquainted with them, and 〈◊〉 was strongly pressed to follow their good example, when I saw them go through a •• diculing Crowd to receive the holy Eu •• arist at St. Mary 's. At length GOD • as pleased to open a Door. It happened 〈◊〉 a poor Woman, in one of the Work •• ouses, had attempted to cut her Throat, it was happily prevented. I hearing of •• is, and knowing that both of the Mr. Wesleys were famous for being ready 〈◊〉 very good Work, sent a poor aged Apple-Woman of our College, to inform Mr. Charles Wesley of it, charging her not t • •• scover who sent her. She went, but, contrary to my Orders, discovered my name. He having heard of my coming 〈◊〉 the Castle and Parish-Church Sacrament, and having met with me walking •• equently by myself, followed the Woman when she was gone away, and sent 〈◊〉 Invitation to me, by her, to come and ••• akfast with him the next Morning.

I thankfully embraced the Opportunity: 〈◊〉 , blessed be GOD, it was one of the 〈◊〉 profitable Visits I ever made in my 〈◊〉 . My Soul, at that Time, was 〈◊〉 for some spiritual Friends to lift up 〈◊〉 Hands when they hung down, and to 〈◊〉 my feeble Knees. He soon discovered it, and, like a wise Winner of Souls, made all his Discourse tend that Way; and after he had put into my Hands Frank's Treatise against the Fear of Man, and a Book, entitled, The Country Parson's Advice to his Parishioners, the last of which was wonderfully blessed to my Soul, I took my Leave.

In a short Time after, he let me have another Book, entitled, The Life of GOD in the Soul of Man. And, though' I had fasted, watched, and prayed, and received the Sacrament so long, yet I never knew what true Religion was, till GOD sent me that excellent Treatise, by the Hands of my never to be forgotten Friend Mr. Charles Wesley.

At my first Reading it, I wondered what the Author meant by saying, That

Alas! thought I, if this be not Religion, What is? GOD soon shown me: For reading in a few Lines following, That TRUE Religion was an Union of the Soul with GOD, and CHRIST formed within us; a Ray of divine 〈◊〉 broke in upon my Soul, and from that Moment, but not till then, did I know •• at I must be a New-Creature.

Upon this, like the Woman, when CHRIST revealed himself to her at the Well, I had no Rest in my Soul till I wrote Letters to my Relations, telling them there was such a Thing as the New-Birth. I imagined they would gladly have received them; but alas! my Words •• em'd to them as idle Tales, they thought that I was going beside myself; and by their Letters, confirmed me in the Resolution I had taken up, not to go down into the Country, but continue where I was, to carry on the good Work GOD had begun in my Soul.

From time to time Mr. Wesley permitted me to come unto him, and instructed •• e as I was able to bear it. By Degrees •• e introduced me to the Rest of his Christian Brethren. They built me up daily 〈◊〉 the Knowledge and Fear of GOD; and taught me to endure Hardship, like; good Soldier of JESUS CHRIST.

I now began, like them, to live by 〈◊〉 ; and to pick up the very Fragments 〈◊〉 Time, that not a Moment of it 〈◊〉 be lost. Whether I eat or drank, 〈◊〉 whatsoever I did, I did all to the Glory 〈◊〉 GOD. Like them, having no Week •• 〈◊〉 (altho' the Rubric requires it) at our College, I received it even Sunday at Christ Church. I joined with them in keeping the Stations, by Fasting Wednesdays and Fridays; and left no Means unused, which I thought would lead me nearer to JESUS CHRIST.

Regular Retirement Morning and Evening I found some Difficulty in submitting to, but it soon grew profitable and delightful. As I grew ripe for such Exercises, I was from time to time engaged to visit the Sick and the Prisoners, and to read to poor People, till I made it a Custom, as most of us did, to spend an Hour every Day in doing Acts of Charity.

The Course of my Studies I soon entirely changed: Whereas, before I was passed in studying the dry Sciences, and books that went no farther than the Surface, I now resolved to read only such Books as entered into the Heart of Religion, and led me directly into an experimental Knowledge of JESUS CHRIST and him crucified.

The lively Oracles of GOD were my Soul's Delight. The Book of the divine Laws was seldom out of my 〈…〉 meditated therein Day and Night 〈◊〉 ever since that, GOD has 〈…〉 prosperous, 〈…〉 Success.

Much Good GOD enabled me to do to, as well as to receive from, the despised Methodists; and made me instrumental in converting One, who is lately come into the Church, and I trust, will make a burning and a shining Light.

Several short Fits of Illness was GOD pleased to visit and try me with, after my first Acquaintance with Mr. Wesley. My new Convert was an Help-meet for me, in those and in every other Circumstance • And in Company with him and several other young Christian Heroes, did I spend many sweet and delightful Hours. Never did Persons, I believe, strive more earnestly to enter in at the strait 〈◊〉 . They kept their Bodies under, even to an Extream. They were dead to the World, and willing to be counted as the 〈◊〉 and Off-scouring of all Things, so 〈◊〉 they might win CHRIST. Their Heart glowed with the Love of GOD; and they never prospered so much in the inward Man, as when they had all Manner of Evil spoke against them falsely without.

Many came amongst them for a while, who, in Time of Temptation, fell away. The Displeasure of a Tutor or Head of a College the Changing of a Gown from • lower to a higher Degree; above all, 〈◊〉 for the Praise of Men more than that which cometh from GOD, and a servile Fear of Contempt, caused Numbers that had put their Hands to the Plow, shamefully to look back. The World, not themselves, gave them the Title of Methodists, I suppose, from their Custom of regulating their Time, and planning the Business of the Day every Morning. Mr. John and Charles Wesley were the first that thus openly dared to confess CHRIST; and they, under GOD, were the spiritual Fathers of most of them. They had the Pleasure of seeing the Work of the LORD prosper in their Hands, before they went to Georgia. Since their Return, the small Grain of Mustard-Seed has sprung up apace; it has taken deep Root; it is growing into a great Tree: 〈◊〉 long, I trust, it will fill the Land; and Numbers of Souls will come from the East and from the West, from the North and from the South, and lodge under the 〈◊〉 of it.

But to return; whilst I was thus comforted on every Side, by daily 〈◊◊〉 with so many Christian Friends, 〈◊〉 was pleased to permit Satan to 〈…〉 Wheat; a general Account of 〈…〉 shall, by divine Assistance, 〈…〉 following Section.

SECTION II.

A Brief and Summary Account of my Temptations.

AT my first setting out, in Compassion to my Weakness, I grew in Favor both with GOD and Man; and used to be wrapped up with sensible Devotions, especially at the blessed Sacrament. But when Religion sunk from my Head into my Heart, and I was fully convinced my Soul must totally be renewed ere it could see GOD, I was visited with outward and inward Trials.

The first Thing I was called to give up for GOD, was, what the World calls, my fine Reputation. I had no sooner received the Sacrament publicly, on a Week Day, at St. Mary's, but I was set up 〈◊〉 a Mark, for all the polite Students, that knew me, to shoot at. By this they knew I was commenced Methodist. For th •• there is a Sacrament at the Beginning 〈◊〉 Term, at which all, especially 〈…〉 , are by Statute obliged to be 〈◊〉 ; yet so dreadfully has that once 〈◊〉 City played the Harlot, that no 〈◊◊〉 , but those of that Way, 〈◊◊〉 upon it.

Mr. Charles Wesley (whom I must always mention with the greatest Deference and Respect) walked with me, in order to confirm me, from the Church even to the College. I confess, to my Shame, I would gladly have excused him. And the next Day, going to his Room, and one of 〈◊〉 Fellows passing by, I was ashamed to 〈◊〉 to knock at his Door. But, blessed 〈◊〉 GOD, this cursed Fear of Man 〈◊〉 wore off. As I had imitated 〈◊〉 in his Cowardice, so, by the divine Assistance, I followed him in his Courage. 〈◊〉 confessed the Methodists more and more publicly every Day. I walked openly with them, and rather chose to endure contempt with those despised People of 〈◊〉 , than enjoy the Applause of almost 〈◊〉 for a Season.

Soon after this, I incurred the Displea ••• of the Master of the College, who 〈…〉 chid and once threat'ned to 〈◊〉 me, if ever I visited the Poor again. 〈◊〉 surprised with his Treatment, and 〈◊〉 by his Authority, I spake 〈◊〉 with my Lips, and said, if it displeased him, I would not. My Conscience 〈◊〉 pricked me for this sinful Compliance. I immediately repented, visited the Poor 〈◊〉 first Opportunity; and told my Companions, if I was called to suffer 〈◊〉 CHRIST'S Sake, I would do with my Tongue as Archbishop Granmer did with his Hands, make that burn first.

My Tutor, being a moderate Man, did not oppose me much; but thought, I believe, that I went a little too far. He lent me Books, gave me Money, visited and furnished me with a Physician when sick. In short, he behaved, in all Respects, like a Father; and, I trust, GOD will remember him for Good, in answer to those many Prayers I have put up in his Behalf.

My Relations were quickly alarmed at the Alteration of my Behaviour, conceived strong Prejudices against me, and for some Time counted my Life but Madness.

I daily underwent some Contempt at College. Some have thrown at me; others, by Degrees, took their Pay from me; and two Friends, who were, dear to me, grew shy of and forsook me, what they saw me resolved to deny myself, take up my Cross daily, and follow JESUS CHRIST: But our LORD, by his Spirit, soon convinced me, that I must not 〈…〉 after the Flesh. And I soon found that Promise literally fulfilled, viz. That 〈…〉 Father or Mother, Brethren or 〈…〉 Houses or Lands, for CHRIST 〈…〉 Gospel, but what shall 〈◊〉 an Hundred-Fold in this Life, with Persecution, as well as Eternal-Life in the World to come.

These, though' little, were useful Trials. They inured me to Contempt, lessened Self-Love, and taught me to die daily. My inward Sufferings were of a more uncommon Nature. Satan seemed to have desired me in particular, to sift me as Wheat. GOD permitted him; for what Reason, I have seen already, viz. That his future Blessings might not prove my Ruin.

Ever since my first Awakenings to the divine Light, I felt a particular Hungering and Thirsting after the Humility of JESUS CHRIST. Night and Day I prayed to be Partaker of that Grace; imagining the Habit of Humility would be instantaneously infused into my Soul. But as Gideon taught the Men of Succoth by Thorns, so GOD (if I am yet in any Measure blessed with true Poverty of Spirit) taught it me by strong Temptations.

I observed before, how I used to be favor'd with sensible Devotions. Those Comforts were soon withdrawn, and an horrible Fearfulness and Dread permitted to overwhelm my Soul. One Morning, in particular, rising from my Bed, I 〈◊〉 an unusual Oppression and Weight upon my Breast, attended with inward Darkness. I applied to my Friend Mr. Charles Wesley. He advised me to keep upon my Watch, and refer'd me to a Chapter in Kempis.

In a short Time I perceived this Load gradually increased, till it almost weighed me down; and as fully convinced me, that Satan had as real a Possession given him of my Body, as he had over Job' s. All Power of Meditating, or even Thinking, was taken from me. My Memory quite failed me. My whole Soul was barren and dry; and I could fancy myself to be like Nothing, so much as a Man locked up in Iron Armor.

Whenever I kneeled down, I felt great Heavings in my Body; and have often prayed under the Weight of them, till the Sweat came through me. At these Times Satan used to terrify me much, and threatened to punish me if I discovered his Wiles. It being my Business, as Servitor, in my Turn, to knock at the Gentlemen's Rooms by Ten at Night, to see who were in their Rooms, I thought the Devil would appear to me every Stair I went up; and he so troubled me when Play down to rest, that for some Months I scarce slept above three Hours in a Night.

GOD only knows how many Evenings I have lain upon my Bed, groaning under the Weight I felt, and bidding Satan depart from me, in the Name of JESUS of Nazareth, Whole Days and Weeks have I spent in lying prostrate on the Ground, and begging for Freedom from those proud hellish Thoughts, which used to crowd in upon and distract my Soul. But GOD made Satan drive out Satan. For these Thoughts and Suggestions raised such a Self-Abhorrence within me, that I never ceased wrestling with GOD, till he blessed me with a Victory over them. Self-Love, Self Will, Pride and Envy, so buffeted me in their Turns, that I was resolved either to die or conquer. I wanted to see Sin as it was; but feared, at the same Time, lest the Sight of it should terrify me to Death.

Whilst my inward Man was thus exercised, my outward Man was not unemploy'd. I soon found what a Slave I had 〈◊〉 to my sensual Appetite, and now resolved to get the Mastery over it, by the Help of JESUS CHRIST. Accordingly, 〈◊〉 Degrees, I began to leave off eating 〈◊〉 , Fruit, and such like; and gave the 〈◊〉 I usually spent in that Way, to the Poor. I always chose the worst Sort 〈◊〉 Food, though' my Place furnished me with variety. I fasted twice a Week. My Apparel was very mean. I thought 〈◊〉 unbecoming a Penitent to have his 〈◊〉 powder'd. I wore woollen Gloves, a patch'd Gown and dirty Shoes. And though' I was then, in some Degree, convinced, that the Kingdom of GOD did not consist in Meats and Drinks; yet I resolutely persisted in these voluntary Acts of Self-Denial, because I found them great Promoters of the spiritual life.

For many Months I went on in the State before described 〈◊〉 , 〈◊〉 yet pursuing, travelling alone in the Dark, hoping that the Star I 〈◊◊〉 seen, would hereafter appear again. During this Season I was very active; but 〈◊〉 Pride creep in at the End of almost 〈◊〉 Thought, Word and Action, and 〈◊〉 with Castaniza's Spiritual Combat, in which he says, That he that was employed he mortifying his Will, was as well employed as though' he was converting Indians, or Words to that Effect; Satan so imposed upon my Understanding, that he persuaded me to shut myself up in my Study, till I could do Good with a single Eye; lest in endeavoring to save others, as I did now I should at last, by Pride and Self-Complacence, lose myself.

〈◊〉 forward he transformed himself 〈◊〉 Angel of Light; and worked so 〈◊〉 upon my Understanding, that I 〈…〉 the good, and not the evil Spirit, suggested to me every Thing that I did.

His main Drift now, was to lead me into a State of Quietism. He generally plowed with GOD'S Heifer; and when the Holy Spirit put into my Heart good Thoughts or Convictions, he always drove them to Extremes. For Instance, being checked, for having, out of Pride, put down in my Diary what I gave away, Satan tempted me to lay my Diary quite aside. When Castaniza advised to talk but little, Satan said I must not talk at all: So that I, who used to be most forward in exhorting my Companions, have sat whole Nights without speaking scarce any Thing. Again, when Castaniza told me about keeping up a silent Recollection to GOD, Satan told me, I must leave off all Forms, and not use my Voice in Prayer at all. The Time would fail me, was I to recount all the Instances, of this Kind, in which he has deceived me. But when 〈…〉 came to an Extremity, GOD always shown me my Error, and by his Spirit pointed out a Way for me to escape.

The Devil also sadly imposed upon me in doing my College Exercise. Whenever I went to compose my Theme, my Head was like Brass. I had not Power to write a Word, nor tell my Christian • Friends of my Inability for so doing. Saturday being come (which is the Day the Students give up their Compositions) Satan (but, as I thought, the Holy Spirit ) told me I must go down in the Hall, confess I could not make a Theme, and so publicly suffer for my Master's Sake. When the Bell rung to call us, I went to open the Door to go down Stairs; but feeling something give me a violent inward Check, I retired into my Study, and continued instant in Prayer, waiting the Event. My Tutor fined me Half a Crown. The next Week Satan served me so again. But having now got more Strength, and perceiving no inward Check, I went into the Hall. My Name being called, I stood up, and told my Tutor I could not make a Theme. I think he fined me a second Time; but, knowing that I would not willfully neglect my Exercise, he afterwards called me into the common Room, and kindly inquired whether any Misfortune had befallen me, or what was the Reason I could not make a Theme. I burst into a Flood of 〈◊〉 , assured him, it was not out of Contempt of Authority, and that I could not act otherwise; then, at length, he said, he believed I could not. And when he left me, told a Friend (as he very well might) that he took me to be really mad. This Friend, hearing from my Tutor what had happened, came to me, urging the Command in Scripture, to be subject to the higher Powers. I answered, YES, but I have a new Revelation. So artfully did the Devil lead me Captive at his Will. By this was I experimentally convinced, that my Understanding was not my own.

Further, as I daily got Strength by continued, though' almost silent Prayer, in my Study, my Temptations grew stronger, particularly for two or three Days before Deliverance came. Near five or six Weeks had I now spent in my Study, except when I was obliged to go out. During this Time, I was battling with my Corruptions, and did little else besides 〈◊〉 down by my Bed-side, under great Loads upon my Body, and unspeakable Pressure of Mind, offering up my Soul to GOD thro' CHRIST, to stamp what he pleased upon it. Satan began now to suggest to me that JESUS CHRIST went among the wild Beasts when he was tempted, and that I ought to follow his Example. Whereupon, being willing to copy after JESUS CHRIST, after Supper I went into Christ-Church, walked near our College, and continued in silent Prayer, under one of the Trees, for near two Hours sometimes lying flat upon 〈◊〉 Face, sometimes kneeling upon my Knees, all the while fearing Mr. John Wesley (who I knew was not far off reading the Holy Scripture to some young Gentlemen, at his Brother's Room) should be destroyed with Pride. It being a very blusterous, stormy Night, it gave me awful Thoughts of the Day of Judgment. I continued, I think, till Great Tom called me Home. And finding some Reluctance in the natural Man against staying so long in the Cold, when I rose off my Knees, I fell a Rubbing my Hands, and hasted to College, saying these Words, I am but a fresh Water Soldier.

The next Night I repeated the same Exercise, at the same Place; but Satan (as he always does) now overshot, and thereby discovered himself; or rather, the Hour of Extremity being come, GOD was pleased to interpose.

By this Time I had left off keeping my Diary, using any Forms or scarce my Voice in Prayer, visiting the Prisoners, &c. Nothing remained for me to leave (unless I forsook Public Worship, which I believe I should have done shortly) but my religious Friends. Satan now told me, that I must now even leave them for CHRIST'S Sake. This was a sore Trial; but rather than not be CHRIST'S Disciple I was resolved to renounce them, though' as dear to me as my own Soul. Accordingly, the next Day, being Wednesday, whereon we kept one of our Weekly Fasts, instead of meeting with my Brethren, as usual, I went out into the Fields, and prayed silently by myself. Our Evening Meeting I neglected also; and went not to Breakfast, according to Appointment, with Mr. Charles Wesly, the Day following. This, with many other concurring Circumstances, made my honored Friend, Mr. Charles Wesly, suspect something more th • n ordinary to be the Matter. He came to my Room, soon found out my Case, 〈◊〉 me of my Danger, if I would not take Advice, and recommended me to 〈◊〉 Brother, as more experienced in the 〈◊〉 Life. GOD gave me (forever 〈◊〉 be his holy Name) a teachable 〈…〉 I waited upon his Brother, with 〈◊〉 , from that Time, I had the Honor 〈…〉 intimate. He advised me to 〈◊〉 all my Externals, though' not to 〈◊〉 on them in the least. From 〈◊〉 line he gave me Directions, as 〈◊〉 v • rtous and pitiable Cases required; 〈◊〉 at length, by his excellent Advice 〈◊〉 Management of me, under GOD, I was delivered from these Wiles of Satan,— Praise the LORD, O my Soul, and 〈◊〉 that is within me praise his holy Name!

During this, and all other Seasons of Temptations, my Soul was inwardly supported with great Courage and Resolution from above. Every Day GOD made me willing to renew the Combat; and though' my Soul, when quite empty of GOD, was very prone to seek Satisfaction in the Creature; yet I was generally enabled to sit in Silence, to wait for the Salvation of GOD; or to persist in Prayer, till some Gleams of inward Comfort were given me from on High. Sometimes I fell into Sensuality.

Kempis (since translated and published by Mr. John Wesly) Castaniza's Spiritual Combat, and the Greek Testament, which I prayed over, Verse by Verse, every Day, were great Means of carrying me on. At the Holy Sacrament, especially before Trials, and just upon receiving the Elements, I have had Grace in an abundant and very perceptible Manner imparted to my Soul. An irrefragable 〈◊〉 to me, against the Doctrine of that detestable Book, called, The plain Account 〈◊〉 the Sacrament of the LORD's Supper, which sinks that holy Ordinance into a bare Memorial. The Author without Repentance, shall bear his Punishment whosoever he be.

To proceed, I had now taken up my Externals again. And though' Satan, for some Weeks, had been bruising my Heel, GOD soon shown me that I should bruise his Head. A few Days after, as I was walking along, I met a poor Woman, whose Husband was then in Bocardo, Oxford Town Goal, which I constantly visited. Seeing her much discompos'd, I inquired the Cause: She told me, not being able to bear the Cries of her Children, ready to perish for Hunger, and she having nothing to relieve them, she had been to drown herself, but was mercifully prevented; and said, she was coming to my Room to inform me of it. I gave her some immediate Relief, and desired her to meet me at the Prison with her Husband in the Afternoon. She came, and GOD there apprehended them both by his Free Grace. She was powerfully quickened from above: And when I had done Reading, her Husband came to me, like the Trembling Jailor, and Grasping me hard, cried out, I am upon the Brink of Hell. From this Time forward both of them grew in Grace. GOD by his Providence soon delivered him from his Confinement: Tho' before 〈◊〉 Offenders against GOD and one another 〈◊〉 now they became Helps 〈◊〉 for 〈◊〉 other in the great Work of the • Salvation. They are both now living, and I trust, will be my Joy and Crown of Rejoicing in the Day of our LORD JESUS.

Soon after this, the Holy Season of Lent came on, which our Friends always kept very strictly, Eating no Flesh during the Six Weeks, except on Saturdays and Sundays; I abstained frequently on Saturdays also, Eating nothing on that and other Days, except Sundays, but coarse Bread and Sage Tea without Sugar. I constantly walked out in the cold Mornings till part of one of my Hands was quite black. This, with my continued Abstinence and outward Conflicts, at length, so emaciated my inward Man, that at Passion Week, finding I could scarce creep up Stairs, I was obliged to inform my kind Tutor of my Condition, who immediately sent for a Physician to me.

This caused no small Triumph among the Collegians, who began to cry out, What is his Fasting come to now? But I rejoiced in this Reproach, knowing 〈◊〉 though' I had been imprudent and left much of my Flesh, yet I had increased proportionably in the Spirit.

This Fit of Sickness continued upon me 〈◊〉 above seven Weeks, and a glorious 〈◊〉 it 〈◊〉 . While 〈◊〉 Physician 〈◊〉 Purging my Body, 〈◊〉 Spirit was purifying my Soul. All my gross, and even my Heart Sins, were brought to my Remembrance, which I put down immediately, and confessed them before GOD Morning and Evening. Tho' weak, I often spent two Hours in my Evening Retirements, and Prayer over my Greek Testament, and Bishop Hall' s most excellent Contemplations, every Day that my Health would permit. About the End of seven Weeks, and after I had been Groaning under an unspeakable Load both of Body and Soul for above a Twelvemonth, GOD was pleased to set me free in the following Manner: One Day perceiving an uncommon Drought and a noisome Clamminess in my Mouth, and using Things to allay my Thirst, but in vain; 〈◊〉 was suggested to me, that when JESUS CHRIST cried out I Thirst, his Sufferings 〈…〉 over. Upon this, I threw 〈…〉 , the Bed, crying out, I Thirst, I 〈…〉 : Soon after I perceived my 〈…〉 off, a Spirit of Mourning was taken 〈◊〉 me, and I knew what it was truly to rejoice in the LORD. At first, after that, I could not avoid Singing Psalms wherever I was; but my Joy gradually 〈◊〉 more settled, and, blessed be GOD, 〈◊〉 abode and 〈◊◊〉 in my Soul (saving 〈◊〉 few casual 〈…〉 ) ever since.

Thus were the Days of my Mourning ended. After a long Night of Desertion and Temptation, the Star which I had seen at Distance before, began to appear again, and the Day-Star arose in my Heart. Now did GOD take full Possession of my Soul; and, as I humbly hope, sealed me to the Day of Redemption.

SECTION III.

From the Time of my first Leaving the University, to go to Gloucester, till the Time of my Ordination.

AS fast as I got Strength from the Sickness before-mentioned, my Tutor, Physician, and some others, were still urging me to go into the Country; hoping thereby to divert me (as they thought) from my present too intense Application to Religion. I had for sometime been aware of their Design, and wrote Letters, beseeching my Mother, if she valued my Soul, not to lay her Commands on me to come down. She was pleased to leave me to my Choice; but finding, at last, it was necessary for my Health, and many other providential Circumstances pointing out my Way, after earnest Prayer for Support, by the Advice of Friends, I left my sweet. Retreat at Oxford, and went to Gloucester, the Place of my Nativity.

GOD having now given me the Spirit of Adoption, my Friends were surprised to see me look and behave so cheerful after the many Reports they had heard concerning me. However, I soon found myself to be a Sheep sent forth amongst Wolves in Sheep's Cloathing: For they immediately endeavor'd to dissuade 〈◊〉 (as they lately had a Friend that began with me) from such a constant Use of the Means of Grace, especially from weekly Abstinence, and receiving the blessed Sacrament. But GOD enabled me to resist them steadfastly in the Faith; and by keeping close to him in Holy Ordinances, I was made to triumph over all.

〈◊〉 accustomed, for a long Season, 〈◊〉 to live without spiritual Companions, and finding none that would join heartily with me, no not one, I watched unto Prayer all the Day long, beseeching GOD 〈◊◊〉 some religious Associates in his 〈◊〉 Way and Time.

〈◊〉 either 〈◊〉 or make a Friend, had been my 〈◊〉 and Practice for 〈…〉 the House of 〈…〉 •• merly had 〈…〉 Spectators, Pope's 〈…〉 trifling Books, 〈…〉 now might see in 〈…〉 might, under GOD, in 〈…〉 GOD 〈◊〉 pleased 〈…〉 the 〈…〉 Effect. She received 〈…〉 . She wanted to be taught the Word of GOD more perfectly, and soon became a Feel for 〈…〉 Sake. Not long after, GOD made me instrumental to awaken 〈◊〉 other young 〈…〉 who soon formed themselves into 〈…〉 , and had quickly the 〈…〉 as we 〈…〉 them at Oxford. For they 〈…〉 live godly in 〈…〉 must suffer Persecution.

My Mind being now more 〈◊〉 and enlarged. I began to read the 〈◊〉 Scriptures on my Knees, laying after all other Books, and praying over, 〈…〉 and Word. This proved 〈…〉 , and Drink 〈◊〉 to my Soul. I 〈◊〉 acquired fresh Light, Life, and 〈◊〉 from above. I got more 〈◊〉 knowledge from Reading the 〈…〉 one Month, then I could 〈…〉 me Writings in a 〈…〉 and it 〈…〉 , for 〈…〉 , every 〈…〉 the Man of GOD perfect, thoroughly furnished to every good WORD and WORK.

Before I returned from Gloucester to Oxford, I spent three Weeks at Bristol, where I went to see some Relations; but could not do them much good, because of the Prejudices they had imbibed against me. I daily walked with GOD; and in visiting an Aunt, then in an Alms-House, GOD put in my Way a young Woman, who was hungering and thirsting after Righteousness. She received the Word into an honest and good Heart, and since has proved a true Follower of JESUS CHRIST.—So good was God, even in those early Days, not to leave me in any Place without a Witness.

According to his abundant Mercy, he also raised me up some temporal Supplies. 〈◊〉 some time I had taken up the laudable Custom of Professor Frank, lately of Germany; and whenever I wanted any worldly Assistance, pleaded the Scripture Promises for the Things of this Life, as well 〈◊〉 that which is to come, in the Name of 〈◊〉 JESUS CHRIST. This is still my 〈◊〉 , and I never yet failed once of 〈◊〉 . When I came from Oxford, on 〈◊〉 of my Sickness, and other 〈…〉 and extraordinary Expences, I 〈…〉 twelve or thirteen Pounds; And when I was going to Bristol my kind Hostess (with whom I lodged at Gloucester, and whose Husband and Family I pray GOD eternally to bless) lent me half a Crown to bear my Charges on the Road. I was not disheartened at the Lowness of my Circumstances. I continued pleading the Promises in the Name of CHRIST; and soon after my coming to Bristol received an Answer: For a Brother of mine coming from Sea, GOD inclined his Heart to give me four Guineas, and some Shirts. Likewise, when I returned to Gloucester, as I did after I had continued a short Time in Bristol, those I expected would assist me, did not; but Persons I scarce ever spoke to, and who, I thought, were my Enemies, were raised up to furnish me with Money; and thereby fulfilled that Promise, 〈◊〉 first the Kingdom of GOD, and his Righteousness, and all these Things shall be added unto you.

Oh what sweet Communion did I daily carry on with GOD in Prayer after my 〈◊〉 again to Gloucester! How often 〈◊〉 been carried out beyond myself, 〈◊〉 Meditating, as Isaac did, in the 〈◊〉 How have I felt that CHRIST 〈◊〉 me, and I in him! And, how did I daily walk in the Comforts of the 〈◊〉 Ghost, and was edified! Not that I was always upon the Mount. Sometimes a Cloud would overshadow me: But the Sun of Righteousness quickly arose and dispel'd it. I knew that it was JESUS that 〈◊〉 himself unto my Soul.

I always observed, that as my inward Strength increased, so my outward Sphere of Action increased proportionably. In a short 〈◊〉 therefore, I began to read to 〈◊〉 poor People twice or thrice a Week. 〈…〉 〈◊〉 visited two other little Societies besides my own, and almost every Day, been then and since, have found the Benefit of being tempted myself; because that 〈◊〉 taught me how to give proper Advice and Succor to those that came to me 〈◊〉 tempted.

〈…〉 , as Business and Opportunity permitted, I generally visited one or two sick Persons every Day: And though' Silver and Gold I had little of my own; yet; in Imitation of my LORD'S Discipl •• , who entreated in behalf of the fainting Multitude, I used to pray to him; and he 〈◊〉 time to time inclined several that were rich in this World's Goods, to give 〈◊〉 Money, so that I generally had a little Stock for the Poor in Hand. One of 〈◊〉 Poor, whom I visited in this Manner, 〈◊〉 called effectually by GOD at the eleventh Hour. She was a Woman above 〈◊〉 Years old; and I really believe died in the true Faith of our LORD JESUS CHRIST.

About this Time GOD was pleased to enlighten and bring me into the Knowledge of the Freeness of his Grace, and the Necessity of being justified, in his Sight, by FAITH alone. This was more extraordinary, because our Friends at Oxford run into the Mystick Scheme: And one of them (a dear Servant of our LORD) lately confessed he did not like me so well at my last coming to Oxford, as the rest of his Brethren, because I held Justification by Faith: And yet he observed I had more Success. But, blessed be GOD, most of us now have been taught this Doctrine of GOD, and, I hope, shall be willing to die in the Defense of it. It is the good old 〈◊〉 of the Church of England. It is what the Holy Martyrs in Queen Mary 's Time sealed with their Blood, and which, I pray GOD, if need be, that I and my Brethren, may seal with Ours.

Burkit' s and Henry' s Impositions were of admirable use to lead me into this and all other evangelical Truths. Many Months have I kneeled to study and pray over those Books, as though' I had been 〈◊〉 at my Master's Feet. The Holy Spirit from time to time 〈…〉 into the knowledge of Divine Things; and I have been directed, by Watching, and Reading the Scriptures in this Manner, even in the minutest Circumstances, as plainly as the Jews were, who consulted the Urim and Thummim at the High Priest's Breast.

Allen's Alarm, Baxter's Call to the Unconverted, and Janeway's Life, when I read them at leisure Hours, were much blessed to me. I bless GOD, the Partition Wall of Bigotry and Sectarianism was soon broken down out of my Heart. As soon as the Love of GOD was shed abroad in my Soul, I loved all, of whatever Denomination, that loved the LORD JESUS in Sincerity.

During my Stay here, GOD enabled me to give a public Testimony of my Repentance for Seeing and Acting Plays. Hearing the Strolers were coming to Town, and knowing what an egregious Offender I had been, I wrestled with GOD in Prayer to put me in a Way to manifest my Abhorrence of my former ill Conduct. In Answer to this. I was stirred up to 〈◊〉 Mr. LAW'S excellent little Treasure, entitled, The absolute Unlawfulness of the Stage Entertainment. GOD gave me Favor in the Printer's Sight: At my Request he put a little of it in the News for 〈◊〉 Weeks successively; and GOD was pleased to give it his Blessing.

Having been absent for six Months from the University, I thought it time to think of moving thither; but before I came to a Resolution, was convinced that the Hour for returning thither was not as yet come.

At my first coming to Gloucester, being used to visit the Prisoners at Oxford, I prayed most earnestly that GOD would open a Door for me to visit the Prisoners here also. Quickly after, I dreamed, That one of the Prisoners came to be instructed by me. The Dream was impressed much upon my Heart. In the Morning I went to the Door of the County Goal; I knocked, No-body came to open it; I thought the Hour was not yet come: I waited still upon GOD in Prayer; and in some Months came a Letter from a Friend at Oxford, desiring me to go to one Pebworth, who had broken out of Oxford Goal, and was retaken at Gloucester. As soon as I had read this Letter, it was suggested to me, that my Prayer was now answered. Immediately I went to the Prison, assuredly gathering that the LORD called me thither. I met with the Person, and finding him and some others willing to hear the Word of GOD (having gained leave of the Keeper and two Ordinaries) I constantly read to and prayed with them every Day I was in Town; I also begged Money for them 〈◊〉 general, relieved one or two in particular, ordered Provisions weekly to be distributed amongst them, and put such Books into their Hands as I judged most proper. I cannot say any one of the Prisoners was effectually wrought upon: However, much evil was prevented, many were convinced, and my own Soul much edifyed and strengthened in the Love of GOD and Man.

Thus employed, I continued in my own City for three Months longer; despised indeed by many, but highly blessed and favored by GOD. My Understanding was enlightened, my Will broke, and my Affections more and more 〈◊〉 with a Zeal for CHRIST. 〈◊〉 believe, were added to my Society, 〈◊〉 shall be saved. Fresh Supplies came from unexpected Hands, to defray the 〈…〉 of the University, during my 〈…〉 〈◊〉 And at the End of about 9 〈◊〉 •• turned thither, to the mutual 〈…〉 Comfort of me and my Friends, 〈…〉 was called to take upon me 〈◊◊〉 ; The particular Circumstances of which I shall relate in the ••• lowing Chapter.

SECTION IV.

My Preparations for HOLY ORDERS.

FROM the Time I first entered at the University, especially from the Time I knew what was true and undefiled Religion, I entertained high Thoughts of the Importance of the ministerial Office; and was not solicitous what Place should be prepared for me but how I should, prepare myself for a Place.

That Saying of the Apostle, Not a Novice, lest, being puffed up with Pride, he fall into the Condemnation of the Devil; And that first Question of our excellent Ordination-Office, Do you trust that you are inwardly moved by the HOLY GHOST to take upon you this Office and Administration, used to make me tremble, whenever I thought of entering into the Ministry. The Shyness that Moses and some other Prophets expressed, when GOD sent them out to act in a public Capacity, I thought 〈◊〉 sufficient Examples for me to learn 〈◊〉 not to run before I was called. GOD knows my Heart, I never prayed more 〈◊〉 against any Sin, than I did against entering into the Service of the Church so soon. Oftentimes have I been in an Agony in Prayer, when under Convictions of my Insufficiency for so great a Work. With strong Crying and Tears, in the Language of Moses, I have cried out, LORD, I am a Youth of uncircumcised Lips; LORD, send me not out into thy Vineyard yet. And sometimes I had Reason to think, GOD was angry with me for resisting his Will. However, I resolved to pray against it as long as I could. If GOD did not grant my Request in keeping me out, I knew his Grace would be sufficient to support and strengthen me, whenever he sent me into the Ministry.

To my Prayers I added my Endeavors; and wrote Letters to my Friends at Oxford, beseeching them to pray to GOD to disappoint the Designs of my Country Friends, who were for my taking Orders as soon as possible. Their Answer was, Pray we the LORD of the Harvest, to send THEE, and many more such Laborers, into his Harvest.

Another old and worthy Minister of JESUS, when I wrote to him about the Meaning of the Word Novice, answer •• it meant a Novice in Grace and not 〈◊〉 Years; and he was pleased to add, 〈…〉 Paul was at Gloucester, he 〈…〉 Paul would ordain me. All 〈◊〉 is did 〈…〉 satisfy me. I still continued instant in Prayer against going into HOLY ORDERS, and was not thoroughly convinced it was the divine Will, till GOD, by his good Providence, brought me acquainted with the present Bishop of Gloucester.

Before I conversed with his Lordship, GOD was pleased to give me previous Notice of it. One Night, before I had the least Prospect of being called before the Bishop, I dreamt, I was talking with him in his Palace, and that he gave me some Gold, which chinked in my Hands. Almost every Day after, this Dream would come into my Mind. Whenever I saw the Bishop at Church, a strong Persuasion would arise in my Mind, that I should very shortly go to him. I always checked it, and prayed to GOD to preserve 〈◊〉 from over desiring that Honor which cometh of Man. One Afternoon it 〈◊〉 that the Bishop took a solitary Walk, as I was told afterwards, to Lady Selwyn' s, near Gloucester, who, not long 〈…〉 had made me a Present of a Piec •• 〈◊〉 Gold. She, 〈◊〉 , recommended 〈…〉 Bishop. A few Days after, as 〈…〉 from the Cathedral Prayers, 〈…〉 of no such Thing, one of the 〈…〉 after 〈◊〉 and said, the Bishop desired to speak with me, I, forgetful, at that time, of my Dream, 〈…〉 turned back, considering within myself what I had done to deserve his 〈…〉 Displeasure. When I came to the Top of the Palace Stairs, the Bishop 〈…〉 me by the Hand, told me He was 〈…〉 and beg'd me to wait a 〈…〉 put off his Habit, and he 〈…〉 me again. This gave 〈…〉 . Opportunity of praying 〈…〉 Assist • nce and adoring him 〈…〉 over me. At his 〈…〉 the Bishop told me, he had heard of 〈…〉 Character, liked my Behaviour at Church; and after I told him my Age, 〈…〉 says he, I have declared 〈…〉 Three and 〈…〉 for 〈…〉 He then made 〈…〉 to buy 〈…〉 in my Hand, put me in 〈…〉 and 〈◊〉 my Heart with 〈…〉 of God's Love.

〈…〉 , this News 〈…〉 Man's Favor, 〈…〉 the Event of 〈…〉 I hid from the •• 〈…〉 me hard, I was •• liged to tell them, how the Bishop, of his own Accord, had offered to give me HOLY ORDERS whenever I would. They (knowing how I had depended on the 〈◊〉 His Lordship 〈◊〉 made some Time ago, that he would 〈…〉 under Twenty-three ) said, 〈◊〉 I then began to think so myself, 〈…〉 held out any longer, I should 〈…〉 GOD. At length I came to 〈…〉 on, by GOD's Leave, to 〈◊〉 myself for HOLY ORDERS the next 〈…〉 Days.

The only Thing 〈…〉 into what Part of 〈◊〉 LORD's 〈…〉 . GOD had given me much Success at Gloucester; and, my Friends being desirous 〈…〉 near them, I had some 〈…〉 GOD would settle me 〈…〉 . But when I came to Oxford, 〈…〉 urged several Reasons for my 〈…〉 at the University, viz. 〈…〉 not long been gone abroad, 〈…〉 take Care of the 〈…〉 further urged, that God 〈…〉 Endeavors 〈…〉 known to me, some of them sent to that great and good Man, the late Sir John Phillips, who was a great Encourager of the Oxford Methodists; and though' he had never seen, but only heard of me, yet he sent Word, he would allow me Thirty Pounds per Annum, if I would continue at the University. Upon this, finding the Care of the Prisoners would be no more than, under GOD, I could manage with Pleasure; and knowing the University was the best Place to prosecute my Studies, I resolved, GOD willing, to let Oxford have the First-Fruits of my ministerial Labors.

In the mean while (having before made some Observations upon the Thirty-nine Articles, and proved them by Scripture) I strictly examined myself by the Qualifications required for a Minister, in Paul's Epistle to Timothy; and also every Question that I knew was to be publicly asked 〈◊〉 at the Time of my Ordination. This 〈◊〉 I drew out at large in Writing, and sealed my Approbation of it every S • n •• y at the blessed Sacrament. At length 〈◊〉 Sunday being near at Hand, and having my Testimonial from the 〈◊〉 , I went a Fortnight beforehand to 〈…〉 intending to compose some 〈◊〉 and to give myself up 〈…〉 to Prayer. But GOD'S 〈◊〉 are not as our Thoughts. When I came to Gloucester, notwithstanding I strove and prayed for several Days, and had Matter enough in my Heart, yet I was so restrained, that I could not compose any Thing at all. I mentioned my Case to one Clergyman; he said, I was an Enthusiast. I wrote to another, who was experienced in the divine Life; he gave me some Reasons why GOD might deal with me in that Manner, and withal promised me his Prayers. I joined with him in importunate Supplication, to know whether this Restraint was of GOD or the Devil. At last, reading Mr. Henry upon the Acts of the Apostles, this Passage was much pressed upon my Heart, We assay'd to go into Bythynia, but the Spirit suffered us not. Looking a little farther, I found a Quotation out of Ezekiel, wherein GOD said to that young Prophet, just after he had given him a divine and public Commission, Thou shalt be dumb, but when I speak unto thee, then shalt thou speak. This made me quite easy. The Remainder of the Fortnight I spent in reading the several Missions of the Prophets and Apostle •• ; and wrestled with GOD to give me Grace to follow their good Examples.

About Three Days before Ordination, the Bishop came to Town; the Evening after, I sent his Lordship an Abstract of my private Examination upon these two Questions, Do you trust that you are inwardly •• oved by the HOLY GHOST is take upon you this Office and Ministration? Are you called according to the Will of our LORD JESUS CHRIST and the Laws of this Realm?

The next Morning I waited on the Bishop in Person. He received me with all Love; told me, He was glad I was come that he was satisfied with the Preparation, I had made, and with the Allowance given me by Sir John Philip's. I had 〈◊〉 self, said he, made Provision for you of two little Parishes; but since you choose to be 〈◊〉 Oxford, I am very well pleased, I doubt 〈◊〉 but you will do much good. Upon this, I took my leave, wondering at GOD's 〈◊〉 towards 〈◊〉 a Wretch, but 〈…〉 delighted, that in every 〈…〉 , he had made my Way into the Ministry so very plain before my 〈◊〉 .

〈◊〉 I think was on Friday. The Day following I continued to spend 〈…〉 . In the Evening I retired to a Hill near the Town, 〈◊〉 prayed most fervently for about two Hours, in Behalf of myself and those who were to be ordained with me.

On Sunday Morning I rose early, and prayed over St. Paul' s Epistle to Timothy, particularly that Precept, 〈◊〉 no one despise thy 〈◊〉 . When I went up to the Altar, I could think of Nothing but Samuel standing before the LORD with a linen Ephod. When the Bishop laid his Hands upon my Head, my Heart was melted down, and I offered up my whole Spirit, Soul and Body to the Service of GOD's Sanctuary. I read the Gospel, at the Bishop's Command, with Power; and afterwards sealed the good Confession I had made before many Witnesses, with CHRIST's most blessed Body.

Being restrained, as was before observed, I could not, though' solicited thereto, preach in the Afternoon; but I read Prayers to the poor Prisoners, being willing to 〈◊〉 the first Act of my ministerial Office be an Act of Charity.

The next Morning, waiting upon GOD in Prayer, to know what he would have me to do, these Words, Speak out Paul, came with great Power upon my Heart. Immediately my Heart was enlarged: GOD spake to me by 〈◊〉 Spirit; I was no longer dumb; I finished a Sermon I had in Hand some time before; I began another, and preached, the Sunday following, to a very crowded Audience, with as much Freedom as though' I had been a Preacher for some Years.

Oh the unspeakable Benefit of Reading to the Poor, and exercising our Talents while Students at the University! Such previous Acts create excellent Habits, and make young Ministers not aukward, but apt to teach. It is remarkable our LORD sent out his Apostles on short Missions, before they were so solemnly authorized at the Day of Pentecost. Would Tutors of our Universities follow his Example, and send out their Pupils to visit the Sick and the Prisoners, to pray with, and read practical Books of Piety to the Poor, they would find such Exercises of more Service to their Pupils and the Church of GOD, than all their private and public Lectures put together.

But to come to a Conclusion. Thus GOD dealt with my Soul: And at the same Time he was not forgetful of my Body; for he inclined the Bishop's Heart to give me Five Guineas more; and by this Time; Quarter's Allowance way due to me from Sir John Philip's, b •• which Sum put together, served 〈◊〉 well to defray the Expences of my Ordination, and taking my Bachelor's Degree, which was confer'd upon me at ••• ford the Week after my being 〈◊〉 being then Twenty-one 〈…〉 Seven Months old.

These Changes from a Servitor to a Bachelor of Arts, from a common Drawer to a Clergyman, were great Temptations to think more highly of myself than I ought to think. Some were jealous over me, as I trust they always will be, with a godly Jealousy. Hereby GOD, who is rich in Mercy, forwarned me of my Danger, stirred up my Heart to pray against spiritual Pride, and kept me, as I hope he will unto the End, in some Measure humble.

Thus did GOD, through a Variety of unforeseen Acts of Providence and Grace, train me up for, and at length introduced me into the Service of his Church. What has happened to me since that Time, especially for these two last Years past, is too notorious to need a Repetition. However, as I find Freedom in myself, and Leisure from my ministerial Employ, hereafter (GOD willing) I shall relate some Dealings of GOD with my Soul, and how he led me (without any Foresight of my own) into my present Way of Acting.

In the mean while, My dear Reader, whoever thou art, I pray GOD what I have now written may not prove a Savour of Death unto Death, but a Savour of Life 〈1 line〉 through Ignorance, Prejudice and Unbelief, when they read this, will contradict and blaspheme. Be not thou of this Number. If thou art as yet unspotted from the World, I pray GOD to keep thee so: For, believe me, Innocence is better than Repentance; And though' Sin may afford thee some bruti •• present Pleasure, ye • the Remembrance of it afterwards is exceeding bitter. If thou art immersed in Sin, as I was, take no Encouragement from me to continue in it on one Hand, nor despair of Mercy on the other: Let GOD' s Goodness to me lead thee to Repentance. The same LORD is rich unto all that call upon him through Faith in CHRIST JESUS. And if through Grace I have done any Thing Praise-worthy, not unto me, not unto me, but unto GOD give all the Glory. If thou art awakened to a Sense of the Divine Life, and art Hungering and Thirsting after the Righteousness of JESUS CHRIST, and the Indwelling of his blessed Spirit in thy Heart, think it not absolutely necessary to undergo all the Temptations that have befallen me. It is in the spiritual as it is in the natural Birth. Some feel more, others less; but all must experience some Pangs and Travails of Soul ere CHRIST JESUS be formed within them. If GOD 〈◊〉 the Work of Conversion is effected in thy Heart, thou oughtest to be exceeding Thankful; or if he should lead thee thro' a larger Wilderness than I have passed through, thou needest not complain. The more thou art humbled now, the more thou shalt be exalted hereafter. One True of CHRIST in thy Heart will make amends for all. And if thou art one that has 〈◊〉 the Powers of the Wor •• to come, 〈…〉 already converted, I know thou 〈…〉 •• joice and give Thanks for what 〈…〉 done for my Soul. To 〈…〉 all that peruse these 〈…〉 deeply and as 〈…〉 and 〈…〉 been in 〈…〉 the 〈…〉