News from Hell
The source for this document is https://quod.lib.umich.edu/e/eebo/A50914.0001.001
Project Note
This is licensed under Creative Commons CC BY-NC-ND. This license allows reusers to copy and distribute the material in any medium or format in unadapted form only, for noncommercial purposes only, and only so long as attribution is given to the creator.
The source of this document is the Early English Books Online (EEBO-TCP) website. Those books were transcribed in a character for character manner and can be very cumbersome to read since there was no standard spelling during that time. Many spelling variations such as "unlesse", "vnlesse", and "vnles" regularly appear.
This project was conceived to clean up those books as much as possible and make them more accessible to the interested reader, leading to the creation of a massive list of variant spellings and their corrections. This was used to clean up the text, but is of course only as complete as the list itself. Because of the nature of the original transcription, some words have missing characters or places where the original language (e.g., Greek) was not transcribed. This effort does not change that. Be aware that the original transcription can also be faulty and in some cases entire sentences may be missing.
Although this is no substitute for a properly compared, proofed, and scholarly edition, I believe that the result is a document which is far more accessible, particularly for searching for terms using standard spelling. The document has been cleaned and presented in what I hope is a pleasing and useful format for the vast majority of Christian brothers and sisters who just want access to read these spiritually nourishing works.
However, a word of warning: The Puritans were a very diverse group of people and their age was characterized with godliness, but also much upheaval, disputation and strife. They disagreed on many doctrines and some of these works contain less orthodox or Scriptural views than others. The reader is strongly advised to read with discernment, particularly if it is unknown whether author is trustworthy.
This project took a huge amount of time and skill to bring to fruition. I would particularly like to thank David Jonescue for the initial list of Puritans he found on EEBO and the concept behind this project as well as the continuous, unceasing efforts toward seeing this complete. Without his labor, this would not be available. Alex Sarrouf was invaluable in providing the initial list of over 7,000 spelling variations he had identified and corrected, as well as continuing to review more than 16,000 additions to that list for any typos.
Logan West
(with David Jonescue and Alex Sarrouf)
www.puritansearch.org
News from Hell, Rome, and the Inns of Court.
Wherein is set forth the coppy of a Letter written from the Devil to the Pope.
The true coppy of the Petition delivered to the King at York.
The coppy of certain Articles of agreement between the Devil, the Pope, and divers others.
The description of a Feast, sent from the Devil to the Pope; together with a short advertisement to the High Court of PARLIAMENT, with sundry other particulars.
Published for the future peace and tranquility of the Inhabitants of Great BRITANY. By J. M.
Printed in the year of Grace and Reformation. 1642.
TO OUR DEARELY BELOVED SONNE THE most Pious and most Religious Primate of the Roman Church, and to all our dearly beloved Children the Cardinals, and Lordly Bishops in Europe.
Haste: Haste: Poste: Haste.
Your entire Prince and God of this world, Lucifer, Prince of Darknes and Superstition, King of Stiks and Phlegeton, Supreame Lord of Gehenna, Tartaria, Colmakia, Samoyedia, Lappia, Corelia, and Colmagoria, Prince Abyssus, and sole commander of Seeberia, Alteenia, Pecheora, and of all the infernal furies and their punife, the Jesuits, Priests, and Semenaries, Sendeth Greeting.
M Ost dearly beloved Son, and you our dutiful Children, whose sanctity we reverence, whose persons we adore, whose wisdoms we admire, at whose policies we wonder, at whose power we muse, and at whose invincible stratagems we stand amazed.
Nor can we in the first place, but extol, applaud, and most highly commend thee our dear Son for the extraordinary care in the advancement of our Kingdom.
And as next in place the extraordinary diligent and vigilant care of all our beloved children the Lordly Bishops in the advancement of our Regal power to the great enlargement of our infernal dominions, by their rare and subtle plots, and stratagems.
And in a more special manner we are pleased through our infernal grace and favor to extol them for this their present and excellent invention, in sowing discord amongst the English heretics, as also in provoking the Scots heretics to an apparent opposition against their King, yea so far as to an invasion of the Territories of England; all which services are most dear and acceptable unto us.
In respect of which services, as also for their fidelity to us and our Kingdom, we have caused our principal Secretary of estate, Don Antonio Furioso Diabolo, to make an especial Inroulement of their names in our Calend, amongst those our dear servants the plotters of the Gun-powder-treason; and the most renowned the complotters of the former Invasion of England, in the year of grace 1588. and since the creation of the world 5609. both which services although their events were no ways answerable according to our Royal expectation; yet those instruments that so freely adventured themselves in them, shall be ever renowned in our court infernal, and most acceptable to our person.
And for the better encouragement of these our trusty and well-beloved servants, in the speedier advancement of this work, now intended for the utter extirpation of all heretics, and increase of our regal power, we are pleased by this our Royal manual to give unto them assurance of our aide and best assistance in the most efficacious manner that our Princely power can extend unto. And because our former stratagems put in execution by our beloved Cozen and Counselor the King of Spain, were by him no ways effected according to our Princely expectation: We have now therefore imposed our Princely command upon our beloved servant the King of France, at the humble suit made unto us, by our children the Lordly Bishops, and by some of our servants of greatest quality in the Realm of England, as also by our servants the Jesuits and Roman Catholics of England, to have a puissant army in readiness for the Invasion of England at such a time, as those our children and servants shall conceive it most convenient and efficacious.
And further our will and pleasure is, that you our dear Son, shall still persist to stir up and encourage our children the Arch-bishops, as also the disciples and our loyal subjects and servants the Jesuits, Priests, and Seminaries, to this work, that they with all their might, together with our powerful policies granted unto them, may strive to effect this work with all celerity; that we may once more see our Kingdom of Superstition re-established in the Monarchy of Great Britain and Ireland.
The motives to be pressed, inducing them to the expeditious effecting of the same is principally, their respect to our Kingly honor, next their own increase of greatness, for we promise & assure them by the word of a King infernal, That every of them shall reign as Princes under us, not only over the bodies and estates of men, but also over their souls, by and through the many infernal graces by us most freely and benignely conferred on them: and hereby, to make them the more sensible of these our several graces conferred on them, we are pleased therefore here at present to express but some few of them in particular, (as namely) pride, vainglory, hypocrisy, self-love of themselves; and of this present world, love of will worship, and advancement of Idolatry; Together with that special gift of covetousness, the only pillar to all the rest of our infernal graces conferred on them.
Thirdly, in respect of the clear passage by us made for them, by setting the heretics for this long time at variance amongst themselves, by our trusty servants the Lawyers, and advancement of Idolatry amongst them: The only means in our Princely wisdom conceived to be to the breaking of the bond of unity and peace, thereby to provoke the great God of heaven to leave them to themselves, and to our powerful stratagems. We are likewise pleased to take special notice of that service done by our children the Lordly Bishops, in working the dissolution of the assembly of Parliament in May last past, 1640. by which means nothing was effected for the good of heretics, either concerning their Church or Common-wealth, so as the success of this design of ours was thereby no ways hindered: you are likewise to let them know from us, that the Noblemen of England be disheartered, the Gentry daunted, 〈◊〉 divided, the number of our servants, the Roman Catholics infinitely increased, and the Realm in general greatly oppressed, not only by the sundry Monopolies, but also by the invincible oppressing power of our children the Lordly Bishops, the multitude of our servants the corrupt Judges, base minded Lawyers, seditious Atturnies, and wooden-headed Doctors of our civil laws, Proctors, Prothonotaries, Registers, Advocates, Solicitors, and Apparators, whom we have caused to swarm, like to the Egyptian Locusts, over all the land, for the sowing of discord, and blowing the coals of contention amongst all the Inhabitants of the same, they having all of them long since received instructions by some of our infernal spirits, sent forth from us to that effect.
You are likewise to let them know, that out of our Princely respect to them, & their damnable actions for our honor: We are pleased to take special notice of that service, which they most willingly endeavored to effect for the confusion of all the heretics, inhabiting England, Scotland, Ireland, and the Netherlands, by the late (conceived) Invincible Armado, procured from Spain in the year of our reign 5660. Which through the providence of the celestial powers then over them, and the disturbance of Martin Harper Trump, here below, failed of that success, which we together with them expected and hoped for, to our no less sorrow then theirs.
Nor can we but applaud the diligent care taken by our children and servants of greatest quality in that Kingdom, in preventing the discovery of that Invasive plott by the heretics, and their small well-meaning State, through their speedy flight to Dover Rode, and private conference there with Don Oquindo, the Generalissimo of Spain to that effect; All which was most exquisitely performed, especially by our hispaniolized lack-latin Lord, our dearly beloved servant.
And lastly our hope is, that this present plot set on foot by these our trusty and well-beloved children, and servants afore-named, and by their earnest endeavors and our assistance once effected, will crown all our labors to our unspeakable terrestrial glory, and their eternal favors by us to be conferred on them in our Royal Palace of perdition, where we have already imposed our Royal command upon our trusty and well-beloved cozen and counselor, Peter Tretyacove Chancellor, Evane Becklemeesheve our Knight Marshall, Richardo Slowe Treasurer, and Don Serborus grand Porter of our said Palace, to give them free admittance into our Royal Presence.
Thus no ways doubting of your singular care and diligence in fulfilling this our Royal will and pleasure hereby expressed; we do further impose our Royal favor and Princely respect to be by you presented unto our trusty and well-beloved cozen and counselor your present Nuntio in the Court of England, as also unto our beloved children and servants, the Bishops, Jesuits, Priests, and Seminaries, our faithful agents in this invincible plot; and also to all our faithful subjects and servants the Roman Catholics of England.
We are pleased to remain your Royal Sovereign and Patron of all your damnable plots and stratagems now in hand.
Given at out Infernal Palace of perdition this first of September, and in the 5661. year of our most damnable reign.
Postscript.
Since the above-writ̄ we are credibly informed of the intention of a most scandalous Petition to be delivered by a small number of heretical Lord's unto their King at York, which doth not a little touch our honor, & the discovery of this our present stratagem. Our express will & pleasure is, that there be some speedy course taken for the suppressing of the same, and the authors thereof severely punished, and Pomfret Castle allotted unto them for their abode, until our will and pleasure be further known, and this our design be effected; of which fail you not, as you tender our Royal favor, the success of this our design, and your own safety. Farewell.
Antonio Furioso Diabolo: Principalio Secretario.
A true Coppie of the Petition which was by the Lord's presented unto the KING at York, September the 12. 1640.
To the Kings most Excellent Majesty.
THe humble Petition of your Majesty's most loyal subjects, whose names are here under subscribed, in the behalf of themselves, and divers others.
Most gracious Sovereign,
The sense of that duty we owe to God's sacred Majesty, and our nearest affection to the good and welfare of this your Realm of England, have moved us in all humility, to beseech your Royal Majesty, to give us leave to offer to your Princely wisdom, the apprehension which we & others your faithful subjects have conceived, of the great distemper and danger now threatening this Church and State, & your Royal person, and of the fittest means to remove and prevent the same. The evils and dangers whereof your Majesty may be pleased to take notice of, are these.
That your Majesty's sacred person is exposed to hazard & danger, in this present expedition against the Scottish Army, and that by occasion of this war, your Majesty's revenues are much wasted, your subjects burdened with cote and conduct money, billiting of soldiers, and other military charges, and divers rapines & disorders (committed,) in several parts of this your Realm, by the soldiers raised for that service, and the whole Realm full of fears and discontentments.
The sundry innovations in matters of Religion, the oath of Canons lately imposed upon the Clergy, and others of your Majesty's subjects, the great increase of Popery, and employing of Popish Recusants, and others ill affected unto Religion, are established in places of power & trust; especially in commanding of men & arms, both in the field, & in sundry other Counties of this your Realm, which by the laws, they are not permitted to have any arms in their own houses, The great mischief that may fall upon this Kingdom, if the intention which hath been credibly reported of the bringing in of Irish and foreign forces, should take effect; The heavy charge of Merchants, to the great discouragement of trade; The multitude of Monopolies and other Patents, whereby the commodities and manufactures of this Kingdom are much burdened, to the great and universal grievances of your people, the great grief of your subjects, with the long intermission of Parliaments, and the late and former dissolving of such as have been called, without the happy effects, which otherwise they might have produced; for remedy whereof, and prevention of the danger that may ensue to your Royal person, & the whole state, They do in all humility & faithfulness beseech your Majesty, that you will be pleased to summon a Parliament in some short and convenient time, whereby the causes of these and other great grievances, which your people suffer under, may be taken away, & the Authors & Counselors of them may be brought to such legal trial, & condign punishment, as the nature of their offenses shall require, and that the present war may be composed by your Majesty's wisdom without bloodshed, in such a manner as may conduce to the honor of your Majesty's person & safety, the comfort of your people, & uniting of both the Realms against the common enemies of the reformed religion, & your Majesty's petitioners shall &c.
The names of such Earls and Barons as subscribed this Petition. viz. Earls: Bedford, Hartford, Essex, Mougrave, Warwick, Bullingbrooke, Rutland, Lincoln, Exeter. Vicounts: Lord Say and Seal, Mandifield, Brooke, Harford, North, Willowby, Savell, Wharton, Lovelace, Saint John.
Articles of agreement, made, concluded, and done this 28. of September, in the year of grace, 1641. and of the world, 5662. by and between the high and mighty Prince Lucifer, King of Sticks and Phlegeton, the holy and most superstitious Primate of the Roman Church, the Cardinals, Bishops, Jesuits, Priests, and Semenaries, (of the one party) and Judge Bribery, Lawyer Corruption, Attorney Contention, Solicitor Sedition, Justice Connivence, Jailor Oppression, and State Negligence, (of the other party) in manner and form following.
Imprimis,
IT is this day mutually agreed, by and between the several parties above-named, That there shall be a league offensive, and defensive, concluded, and confirmed by both parties, at or before Holy-rood day, next ensuing the date hereof. Item, That whereas there hath been lately by the subtle practices of some Parliamentary reformists, a discord & dissension raised between the State Ecclesiastic, & the state of the Inns of Court, whereby there hath happened no small prejudice unto the ecclesiastic state, the likes whereof is to be doubted, may also fall upon the state of the Inns of Court, and so consequently upon the Crown and dignity of our Sovereign Lord King Lucifer. It is therefore mutually agreed, that all former controverfies and contentions between both parties shall cease, and that all unity, peace, and concord, shall be embraced on either side, according to the expressions in the precedent Article, to the honor of our Sovereign Lord King Lucifer, his crown and dignity.
Item, It is agreed that the said state of the Inns of Court, and the state Ecclesiastic afore-said, shall jointly & severally use the uttermost of their strength, power, and policy, to resist and suppress all such proceedings of this present Parliament, which shall any way tend to the Reformation and suppression of Oppression, Extortion, Bribery, Contention, & Tradition; And that they shall and will, with all their might, power, and policy, endeavor and strive to broach, advance, and maintain, all the said several impieties again, to the honor of our Sovereign Lord King Lucifer, his crown and dignity.
Item, It is agreed by & between our Sovereign Lord King Lucifer, and the whole state Ecclesiastic, of the one part, and Judge Bribery; That forthwith upon the dissolution of this present Parliament, He the said Judge Bribery, is then again to put in practice the taking of bribes, passing of false judgment, and maintaining his false & corrupt sentences and decrees, to be things sacred and infallible; oppressing the innocent by close imprisonment; and also favoring all Jesuits, Priests, and Semenaries, if any of them happen by the Instruments of Justice to be laid hold on; animating and instructing all Atturnies, Soliciters, and Clerks, for and to the sowing of strife and contention amongst the people of the land, to the honor of our Sovereign Lord King Lucifer, his crown and dignity.
Item, It is agreed by & between our Sovereign Lord King Lucifer, & Lawyer Corruption: that he the said Lawyer Corruption, shall notwithstanding any powerful Parliamentary reformation, still persist in taking fees, both of plaintiff and defendant, nor shall ever bring any honest cause to its period, until he hath (in fees) devoured the whole substance both of plaintiff and defendant, neither shall he the said Lawyer Corruption ever at any time give any true and prevalent advice to any his clyents, but shall delude and delay them, until he hath draynd them as afore-said, to the utter ruin of them, their wives and children, to the honor of our Sovereign Lord King Lucifer, and the propagation of his Crown and dignity. To their own present, rich impiety, and assured successful perdition.
Item, It is agreed and concluded, by and between our Sovereign Lord King Lucifer, and Atturny Contention; That he the said Atturny Contention, shall and will, at all times, in all places, and upon all occasions, use his best diligence to sow debate, strife, variance, & contention amongst the people of the land without exception of persons; yea, he shall not omit to set the father against the son, and the son against the father, as also one brother against the other, to the utter ruin of their estates, houses, and families, to that end he shall dispose of himself and all his imphes, into all the quarters and several corners of the Kingdom; neither shall there be any market-town or place of habitation, but he shall seat himself there, to the intent and purpose afore-said, to the honor of our Sovereign Lord King Lucifer, his Crown and dignity, and to the advancement of the said science of iniquity.
Item, It is agreed by, & between our Sovereign Lord King Lucifer, and Solicitor Sedition, That he the said Solicitor Sedition, shall & will at all times use his best endeavor to stir up, animate, and encourage all people, of what condition, degree, & profession soever, unto • in the law, and that he the said Solicitor Sedition, shall & will prove faithful unto all Lawyers and Atturnies, and shall & will be slow in the prosecution of any man's cause whatsoever, & spin out the thread thereof unto its full length, especially in the Courts of equity, by multiplicity of (begging orders) and by not omitting to have this clause inserted into every of his orders; viz. (unless cause be shown to the contrary at the next court day by the defendant) as also by falsifying of orders through the corrupting of registers, and corrupting of counsel in an honest cause, by deceiving his clyents through false and unjust bills of charges, by brybing the Judges of the several Courts, and the masters of the Chancery, richly, to the honor of our Sovereign Lord King Lucifer, his Crown and dignity, and the eternal damnation of Solicitor Sedition.
Item, It is agreed & concluded in Perpetuum, between our Sovereign Lord King Lucifer, & Jailor Oppression, that whereas through the rigor of the law, many poor Christian souls are committed unto his keeping and safe custody for sundry causes, & sometimes for no just cause at all: He the said Jailor Oppression, shall & will, by himself, his clarks & servants, be void of all mercy & compassion towards them; and shall and will, as much as in him lieth, endeavor to work the utter ruin of the estates and lives of all such as shall be committed to his custody, and to that end, he the said Jailor Oppression, shall nor will not be slack in giving bribes, otherwise styled new-years-gifts yearly unto all the Judges of the Courts of Justice, for, and towards the better encouragement and animation of them, to the commitment of all such to prison, as are, or shall be brought before them on the least occasion; and that he the said Jailor Oppression shall be ever ready to yield his daily attendance on the Judges in their Courts, thereby to stir them up to be mindful of him to that effect: & lastly it is agreed & concluded, that he the said JaylorOppression, shall & will by himself & his servants, set such snares & gins for all those committed to his custody, that they being once entrapped within his prison doors, shall never find the way out, during the continuance of their lives, or of their estates at the least, to the honor of our Sovereign Lord King Lucifer, his Crown and dignity, and to the eternal perdition of Jailor Oppression.
Item, It is agreed by and between our Sovereign Lord King Lucifer, and Justice Connivence, that he the said Justice Connivence, shall not nor will have any regard or respect to the justnes of any poor man's cause, nor shall ever incline his ear to any his just complaints, but shall & will ever connive and bear with the oppressor, defrauder, & deceiver; and that he the said Justice Connivence, shall and will ever prefer the value of a Goose, a Pig, a Capon, a brace of Partridges, a good fat Sheep, a Bore at Christmas, or a letter from a friend, written in favor of Sir Oppressor, Mr. Defrauder, and Dick Deceiver, far before Justice it self, or the justness of any honest man's cause whatsoever; nor that he the said Justice Connivence shall ever execute Justice in any poor man's cause, but on the contrary, he shall oppress them, and have his Mittimus ready written by his Clark. M' double fees for the speedy commitment of them to prison; neither shall he ever incline his ear to hear their just complaints against the several golden persons of worship afore-said, to the honor of our Sovereign Lord King Lucifer, his Crown and dignity, and the benefit of Jailor Oppression.
Item, It is agreed by and between our Soveragine Lord King Lucifer, and state Negligence, that he the said state Negligence, shall ever prefer his own peace and present benefit, before the welfare and future prosperity of his King and country, & also that he the said state negligence shall not at any time, take notice of any the Illegal proceedings in any the Courts of Justice, nor shall addict himself or ever endeavor to suppress nor prevent by any good or wholesome laws the practice of tyranny, oppression, in justice, extortion, bribery, contention, idolatry, and the like. But shall and will solely addict himself to the pastimes, of hunting, hawking, gaming, whoring, & the utter rejection of the present and future benefit and welfare of his native country, to the honor of our Sovereign Lord King Lucifer, the prosperity of his Religious Vicegerent, and the peace and tranquility of all his servants the Jesuits, Priests, Seminaries, and the Roman Catholics of England. In witness of the truth of these presents, and of every particular contained in the same, the parties above named have hereunto set their hands and seals, the day aforesaid, and in the 5662 year of the reign of our most damnable Sovereign Lord, King Lucifer. Etcetera.
Signed, sealed, and delivered in the presence of us. William Laud, Bishop. Isoprise Crauly, Judge. Bribing Long, Justice. Corrupt Fountain, Lawyer. Jumping Jumper, Attorney. Johnson in Graine, Jailor. Robert Kilfart, Solicitor. And Rudine 〈◊◊◊〉 , Notarius publicus.
HERE FOLLOWETH A BREIF RELAtion of a great feast, which from Lucifer Prince of hell was by the hands of Cardinal Pegusius presented to the view, disposal and approbation of the Pope of Rome, in the year of Jubilee, 1641.
MY Lord Cardinal Pegusius, and you the rest of my holy Brethren, I beseech you view these excellent varieties, and variety of excellencies, well dressed, & most exquisitely set forth and garnished. But the contents of every dish, I believe, is best known to you my Lord Pegusius, from whom I desire to be satisfied, concerning the contents, qualities and operation of every several dish.
May it please your Holiness, These varieties of dishes, w ch your holiness here sees thus set forth, were all of them prepared, for the only table of our high and mighty Monarch, King Lucifer, your Holiness sole Patron and Protector, a certain number of which dishes his Majesty hath graciously been pleased to cause them to be presented to your Holiness disposal, and the residue of them, only to your Holiness view and approbation, being to be preserved for his Majesty's own peculiar palate.
I beseech you my Lord Card. let me have them brought hither before me in order, according to the appointment of my Sovereign and most munificent patron.
Your holiness will and pleasure shall be accomplished, & here in the first place may it please your holiness to take notice, that the first dish by his majesties appointment to be presented to your holiness disposal, is this large (Latin charger) containing twenty two Lordly Bishops, stued with the fire contention, on the chafindish of exasperation, and seasoned with the several spices of man's invention, as with the spice of the Mass, Priesthood, holy-days, Altars, Candles, Rayles, holy-bread, holy-water, holy-ashes, devout prayer for the dead, invocation of Saints, offerings at the Altars, excommunications: and the strong and operative spice, of the high commission. It is also garnished about, with the several heretical Doctrines of all the new entitled Priests of England, and this dish his majesty hath appointed to be disposed of by your holiness.
I will surely taste of it, (it looks lovely) oh admirable, it is a most LAVDable dish of meat: I can find nothing wanting in this dish: but only three grains of the spice of accomplishments, and then it had been devoutly seasoned for my palate: but I pray-what is the next dish my lo'
The next dish may it please your holiness, is a silver charger, comprehending all the contrivers, and complotters of the dissention between England and Scotland, of the last Spanish invasion of England, and the practicers with the French for the subversion of a the heriticks in England, Scotland, and Ireland, it is seasoned with all our Jesuitical practices, Church policies and all our English Roman Catholic trecheries, and garnished with all our English Roman Statists: this dish of meat is now almost cold, and therefore at this present unfit for your holiness palate, it only wants the breath of the Earl of Straffords fiery zeal to heat it, by a LAVDable blast or two.
However I pray let me taste of it, oh the lamentation of a sinner, pity, pity, yea a thousand pities is it, that this dish had not been kept hot and seasoned to the proof, that we might have sung most LAVDably, • e Lucifer Landamus. But my Lord Cardinal what is the next dish.
May it please your holiness, this dish contains a certain number of false and corrupt Judges, it is seasoned with the spice of aged detestable covetousness, bribery, extortion, oppression, injustice, unmercifulness, and with pervertion of all the statute laws, garnished with ship-money, forest-money, lone-money, and a multitude of Isoprises, but this dish is by his majesties special order to be preserved for his own peculiar palate.
His majesties will be done, I shall ever be ready & obedient to all his majesties commands, nor will I presume to taste of it, but only pass my judgment on it, that it is a Princely dish, fit only for his majesties table.
What is the next I pray my Lord?
The next may it please your Holiness, is a large golden charger, containing a very great number of base-minded, covetous, unjust, extorting and oppressing Lawyers who value every word by them uttered at a bar of Justice, at a far higher price then your Holiness doth your Bulls, issued forth for remission of sins: and these caterpillars, his majesty king Lucifer hath brought into such great esteem, with all the Inhabitants of England, as that no man of quality thinks his house to stand, unless it be supported by one of those vermin pillars & brood of contention, this dish is seasoned with the spice of extorting fees from one 20 shillingspeece, to 5 to 10. yea, to 20, especially by those who are styled the Judges favorites, all this is given sometimes but for the speaking of two or three words, it is likewise seasoned with the taking fees on both sides, deluding Clients, spinning out the thread of an honest cause to its full length, until the purs-strings both of Plaintiff and defendant crack, and then they are tied together, by a commission into the country, where these caterpillars are reverenced and feared like so many gods, by all the people: this dish is garnished with some 10000. pestiferous pettifogging seditious ten-groat-Atturnies, one of whose perfidious bills of charges, in one term advances it self sometimes unto the sum of 5, 10. 20. yea, 30. pounds, especially when he finds his Client naturally inclined to the conditions of an asse. And on every of these garnishes hanges five cony-catching deceitful Solicitors, properly termed lawyers-lime-twigs, traps or nets to catch the poor silly creatures called Clients, and this dish his majesty hath also reserved for his own table.
It is a Princely dish indeed, and fit only for the peculiar table of so great a Monarch, as is our most damnable sovereign King Lucifer, the operation and virtue of which dish, is able to season a whole kingdom, to be fit meat for his majesties palate, especially if there be but the operative spice added to it, called the (action of the Case.)
But what is this dish my Lord Cardinal.
May it please your Holiness, this dish contains a certain number of base muck-worms, styled Doctors of our Civil Law, Chancellors and Officials, this dish is also seasoned with the unjust spice of extortion, oppression, fraud and deceit, and garnished about with a most damnable crew of Proctors, Notaries, Registers, Deligates, Advocates, Sumners, and petty Apparaters, these have for many years proved notable instruments of strife and vexation, unto the Inhabitants of England, and through their deceiveable ways, have mightily oppressed the people, being not much inferior unto the precedent Golden Charger.
But to this dish may it please your Holiness, there hath happened this year a very great mischance in the cooking, for when we thought it should have been most Laudably boiled up to its greatest height of Catholic operation there happened a Spider to fall into it, through a sudden blast of reformation which hath made it somewhat dangerous now for your holiness to taste of, for, the Lamb that was most richly seasoned in it, is now through this sudden & unexpected misfortune putrefied, and the Duck being awatry foul, is quite dissolved, and this dish by his majesties special order, is to be left now to your holiness disposal.
I am much bound to his majesty for his gracious favor to me herein, I shall be very careful through deliberation and mature consideration to study for the most fittest disposal thereof during the time of my vicegency here, and then return it again to his Majestyes disposal. But I pray you my Lord Cardinal what do those coper vessels contain?
may it please your holiness: this covered mess is a gallimophre or as the Flemine calls it a Hutchpot, wherein are sundry meats stued together: it contains a certain number of beasts called corrupt masters of the Chancery, and half a dozen corrupt clarks of the chancery, also 150. of their puny clarks commonly termed Atturnies in chancery, it also contains 6 new Atturnies of the Court of requests and some 60 of their puny clarks: this Hutchpot is seasoned with the spice of bribery, false witnesses styled Knights of the post, a spice greatly in request in those Courts, especially in the examiners offices and the late Coventry affidavit office, but his majesties special command is to have this covered mispreserved in its present condition, least contention should cease amongst the inhabitants of England, and unity and peace take place, which cannot but tend much to his majesties detriment and loss of dominion in that Kingdom, and to that end he hath caused the same to be sealed up, and to be conveyed from Coventry to Manchester by the golden-Finche.
Good my Lord Cardinal I beseech you, let his majesties will and pleasure herein be very carefully accomplished, for it concerns much his majestyes honor and our safety.
But what is in this dish my Lord?
This may it please your holiness, is likewise a Hutchpot, containing meats of sundry sorts and operations, it contains a certain number of Prothonotaries, Registers, and Clerks of the Star Chamber, Chancery, Court of Request, Kings-Bench, Common Pleas, and the Exchecker, this galimofre is seasoned with subornation of false-witnesses, falsifying of orders, and decrees, it is garnished with the subtle practices of the renter warden of the fleet and his imphes, as also with Kilvert, kilfart, kilbennet, kill Bishop, and the like instruments of Lawyers gain, the operations of this dish chiefly consists in the confusion of men's estates, to extract Gold out of all men's purses, to suppress virtue and peace, and to advance iniquity and contention, to wrong and oppress every man, and to do right unto no man.
And this mess is also to be reserved for his Majesty's Table.
Good my Lord Cardinal, I pray you let me taste of this mess, the operation whereof by your relation appears to be admirable, I wish from my heart that I might also grow capable of that virtue of extracting Gold out of the English nation, as some of my predecessors have don before me, (I confess) the study of this Art was begun by my Physician most laudadly, but alas and woe is me, it was marred by a robustuous storm of wind out of the North, and quite spoiled a vehement shower of puritanicall rain, and what is the next mess my Lord?
May it please your holiness, this is also a Hutchpot, containing sundry course meats, as scriveners, brokers, usurers, jailors, baliss, sergeants, informers, perjured Church-wardens, justlers of the peace, and bumbailifs: this mess is seasoned with parchment, deceit, extortion, usury, oppression, murdering of Christian souls in prisons through famine, false information, injustice, neglect, and tyranny, and is garnished with a number of irreligious Mayors, Sherifs, Feoderies, escheaters, Clerks of the syse, Clarcks of the peace, Constables and headboroughs. But this mess is by his majesties order to be disposed of unto his servant.
Indeed my Lord Card. me thinks this Messe hath a very bitter relish with it, else my mouth is quite out of taste, I confess it to be a mess fit only for his majesties Hell-hounds, But what is this last mess?
I conceive this mess to be very well known to your holiness, for it is seasoned with most of those operative spices that all the meat dressed in your holiness kitchen is seasoned with this mess, contains divers justicial birds of Middlesex, as namely the Long, the Hearn, the Snape, the Hooker, the Geay, & the likes of them. Seasoned with the fees and bribes of all the whores and thieves that live in Westminster, Coven-Garden, Holborn, Grub-street, Clarkenwell, Rosemarylane, Turnbull-street, Ratcliff, Southwark, Bank-side, and Kent-street; this dish is also garnished with the New-yearsgifts of the whores, thieves, and cutpurses, dwelling in the forenamed several places, but this Messe is by his majesty reserved for his own peculiar palate.
Oh venerable Bead, Oh holy Garnet, O sanctified Faux, O reverend Becket, O beloved Ravilliack, Campion, Watson, Parsons, Morton, Sands, and admired Bellarmine, I call you all to witness this day, whether you or any of you have ever as yet been capable of such a delicious feast, adorned with so many varieties, beautified with so many several rarieties, and seasoned with such delectable spices.
And thus rendering all humble and hearty thanks, with all reverence in all obedience unto his Majesty, our most damnable prince and Protector, Lucifer, King of Sticks and Phlegeton; I remain his majesties humble servant and Vice gerent, at his majesties sole disposal during life.
PAPA ROMANORUM
Advices and motives to the Honorable Assembly in Parliament.
Received by me, Fountain of iniquity, this 22. of September, 1641. by the help of Judge Bribery, and the furtherance of Lawyer Impiety, of Romanus Treachery, the sum of 10. pounds of damnable simplicity: 9. pounds of superstitious ignorance: 7. pounds of idolatrous folly: 6. pounds of willful stupidity: and 3. pounds of perverseness, to and for the use of Impatience: And by his appointment to be delivered unto gentle Prodigality, to and for the use of Mistress Inconstancy, daughter and sole heir unto Mistress Letchery, the grand-child of Mistress Bawdery, dwelling next door unto Mistress Beggary.