A Christian Directory
§. 13. 2. Consider also that you live not up to the Ends of Marriage, nor of humanity, if you are not helpers to each others souls. To help each other only for your bellies, is to live together but like beasts. You are appointed to live together as heirs of the grace of life, 1 Pet. 3. 7. And husbands must love their Wives as Christ loved his Church, who gave himself for it that he might sanctify it and cleanse it, that he might present it to himself a glorious Church, without spot or wrinkle, holy and without blemish, Eph. 5. 25, 26, 27. That which is the end of your very life and being, must be the end of your relations and your daily converse.
§. 14. 3. Consider also, if you neglect each others souls, what enemies you are to one another, and how you prepare for your everlasting sorrows: When you should be preparing for your joyful meeting in Heaven, you are laying up for yourselves everlasting horror. What a dreadful meeting and greeting will you have at the bar of Christ, or in the flames of hell, when you shall find there how perversely you have done? Is it not better to be praising God together in Glory, than to be raging against each other in the horror of your Consciences, and flying in the faces of one another with such accusations as these, [
O therefore resolve without delay, to live together as the heirs of Heaven, and to be helpers to each others souls. To which end I will give you these following Sub-directions, which if you will faithfully practice, may make you to be special blessings to each other.
§. 15. Direct. 1. If you would help to save each others souls, you must each of you be sure that you have a care of your own: and retain a deep and lively apprehension of those great and everlasting matters, of which you are to speak to others. It cannot be reasonably expected that he should have a due compassion to another's soul, that hath none to his own: and that he should be at the pains that is needful to help another to salvation, that setteth so little by his own, as to sell it for the base and momentary ease and pleasure of the flesh. Nor is it to be expected that a man should speak with any suitable weight and seriousness, about those matters whose weight his heart did never feel, and about which he was never serious himself. First see that you feel thoroughly, that which you would speak profitably: and that you be what you persuade another to be; and that all your counsel may be perceived to arise, from the bottom of your hearts; and that you speak of things which by experience you are well acquainted with.
§. 16. Direct. 2. Take those opportunities which your ordinary nearness and familiarity affordeth you, to be speaking seriously to each other about the matters of God and your salvation. When you lie down and rise together, let not your worldly business have all your talk; but let God and your souls have the first and the last, and at least the freest and sweetest of your speech, if not the most: When you have said so much of your common business as the nature and dispatch of it requireth, • ay it by, and talk together of the state and duty of your souls towards God, and of your hopes of Heaven, as those that take these for their greater business. And speak not lightly, or unreverently or in a rude and wrangling manner, but with gravity and sobriety, as those that are advising together about the greatest matter, that ever they had to do in the world.
§. 17. Direct. 3. When either Husband or Wife is speaking seriously about holy things, let the other be careful to cherish, and not to extinguish and put an end to the discourse. There are two ways to cherish such discourse: The first is, by taking your turn, and bearing a due proportion in the discourse with wisdom and gravity: But all cannot do this: some are but learners, and those must take the second way, which is to ask for resolution in matters of which they doubt, or are uninstructed; and to draw on more by pertinent Questions. The two ways by which such discourse is silenced are these: The first is by the constant silence of the hearer: When a man talketh as to a post, that giveth him no answer, nor putteth any pertinent question, he will be wearied out at last, and will give over: The second is, by a cross, contradicting, cavilling, wrangling against what is spoken, or by interruptions and diversions; when you come in presently with some worldly or impertinent talk, and wind about from sober conference, to something that is unedifying: And some that will not seem merely profane, and vain, and worldly, will destroy all holy fruitful conference, even by a kind of Religious talk; presently carrying you away from Heart-searching and Heavenly discourse, to some Controversy, or doctrinal, or formal, or historical matter, that is sufficiently distant from the Heart and Heaven. Take heed of these courses, if you would help each other.
§. 18. Direct. 4. Watch over the hearts and lives of one another, and labor to discern the state of one another's souls, and the strength or weakness of each others sins and graces, and the failings of each others lives, that so you may be able to apply to one another the most suitable help. What you are unacquainted with, you cannot be very helpful in: you cannot cure unknown diseases: you cannot give wise and safe advice, about the state of one another's souls, if you are mistaken in them. God hath placed you nearest to each other, that you might have so much interest in each other as to quicken you to a loving care, and so much acquaintance with each other, as to keep you from misunderstanding, and so from neglecting or deceiving one another: And you should be always provided of those fit remedies, that are most needful and suitable to each others case. If that Preacher be like to be dull and unsuccessful, that is all upon mere Doctrine, and little or nothing in close and lively application, you may conceive that it will be so also with your familiar conference.
§. 19. Direct. 5. See that you neither flatter one another through fond and foolish love, nor exasperate one another by a passionate or contemptuous kind of reprehension. Some persons are so blinded with fond affection, that they can scarce see in Husband, Wife or Children any aggravated sin or misery: but they think all is well that they do, or not so ill, as in another they would perceive it: But this is the same course that self-loving sinners take with their own souls, to their delusion and perdition. This flattering of yourselves or others, is but the Devils charm to keep you from effectual repentance and salvation: And the ease of such Anodynes and Narcoticks doth endure but a little while. On the other side, some cannot speak to one another of their faults, without such bitterness of passion, or contempt, as tendeth to make the stomach of the receiver, to loath the Medicine, and so to refuse it, or to cast it up. If common reproofs to strangers must all be offered in Love, much more between the nearest relations.
§. 20. Direct. 6. Be sure that you keep up true Conjugal love to one another, and that you grow not to disaffect the persons of each other. For if you do, you will despise each others counsels and reproofs. They that slight, or loath, or are weary of each other will disdain reproofs, and scorn advice from one another: When entire affection greatly disposeth to the right entertainment of instruction.
§. 21. Direct. 7. Discourage not each other from instruction or reproof by taking it ill, or by churlish reflections, or by obstinate unreformedness. When you will not learn, or will not amend, you discourage your instructer and reprover. Men will be apt to give over, when they are requited with ingratitude, and snappish retortions, or when they perceive that their labor is all in vain. And as it is the heaviest judgment of God that befalleth any upon earth, when he withdraweth his advice and help, and leaveth sinners wholly to themselves; so it is the saddest condition in your relations, when the ignorant and sinning party is forsaken by the other, and left to their own opinons and ways: Though indeed it should not be so, because while there is life there is hope.
§. 22. Direct. 8. So far as you are able to instruct or quicken one another, call in for better helps: Engage each other in the reading of the most convincing quickening Books, and in attendance on the most powerful Ministry, and in profitable converse with the holiest persons. Not so as to neglect your duty to one another ever the more: but that all helps concurring may be the more effectual. When they find you speak to them, but the same things which Ministers and other Christians speak, it will be the more easily received.
§. 23. Direct. 9. Conceal not the state of your souls, nor hide not your faults from one another. You are as one flesh, and should have one heart: And as it is most dangerous for a man to be unknown to himself, so is it very hurtful to Husband or Wife, to be unknown to one another, in those cases wherein they have need of help. It is foolish tenderness of yourselves, when you conceal your disease from your Physician, or your helpful friend: And who should be so tender of you, and helpful to you, as you should be to one another. Indeed in some few cases, where the opening of a fault or secret, will but tend to quench affection, and not to get assistance from another, it is wisdom to conceal it: But that is not the ordinary case. The opening your hearts to each other is necessary to your mutual help.
§. 24. Direct. 10. Avoid as much as may be contrariety of opinions in Religion: For if once you be of different judgments in matters which you take to be of great concernment, you will be tempted to disaffect, contemn or undervalue one another; and so to despise the help which you might receive: And if you fall into several Sects, and follow several Teachers, you will hardly avoid that contention and confusion, which will prove a great advantage to the Devil, and a great impediment to your spiritual good.
§. 25. Direct. 11. If difference in judgment in matters of Religion do fall out between you, be sure that it be managed with Holiness, Humility, Love and Peace, and not with C •• nality, Pride, Uncharitableness or Contention. 1. To manage your differences Holily, is to take God for the Judge, and to refer the matter to his Word, and to aim at his Glory, and the pleasing of his Will, and to use his Means for the Concord of your judgments: which is, to search the Scripture, and consult with the faithful able Pastors of the Church, and soberly and patiently to debate the case, and pray together for the illumination of the Spirit. On the contrary your Differences are carnally managed, when carnal reasons breed or feed them; and when you run after this or that Sect or Party, through admiration of the persons, and value not the persons for the sake of Truth, but measure Truth by the opinion and estimate of the persons; and when you end your differences by selfish carnal principles and respects: And hence it comes to pass, that if the Husband be a Papist or otherwise erroneous, its two to one that the Wife becometh of his erroneous Religion, not because of any cogent evidence, but because he is of the stronger parts, and hath constant opportunity to persuade, and because Love prepareth and inclineth her to be of his opinion: And thus Man instead of God, is the master of the faith of many. 2. Your differences are managed in Humility, when you have a just and modest suspicion of your own understandings, and debate▪ and practice your differences with meekness and submission; and do not proudly overvalue all your own apprehensions, and despise another's Reasons as if they were not worthy of your consideration. 3. Your differences must be so far managed in Love, not that mere Love should make you turn to another's opinion be it true or false, but that you must be very desirous to be of the same mind, and if you cannot, must take it for a sore affliction, and must bear with the tolerable mistakes of one another, as you bear with your own infirmities; that they cool not Love, nor alienate not your hearts from one another, but only provoke you to a tender healing compassionate Care, and endeavor to do each other good. 4. And you must manage your differences, in quietness, without any passionate wranglings and dissensions, that no bitter fruits may be bred by it in your families among yourselves. Thus all true Christians, must manage their differences in matters of Religion; but married persons above all.
§. 26. Direct. 12. Be not either blindly indulgent to each others faults, nor yet too censorious of each others state, lest Satan thereby get advantage to alienate your affections from one another. To make nothing of the faults of those whom you Love, is to Love them foolishly to their hurt; and to show that it is not for their virtues that you Love them. And to make too great a matter of one another's faults, is but to help the Tempter to quench your love, and turn your hearts from one another. Thus many good women that have Husbands that are guilty of too much coldness in Religion, or worldly-mindedness, or falling into ill company, and misspending their time, are first apt to overlook all possibility of any seed of grace that may be in them, and then looking on them as ungodly persons, to abate too much their Love and duty to them. There is great wisdom and watchfulness requisite in this case, to keep you from being carried into either of the extremes.
§. 27. Direct. 13. If you are married to one that is indeed an infidel, or an ungodly person, yet keep up all the Conjugal Love which is due for the relation sake. Though you cannot love them as true Christians, yet love them as Husband or Wife. Even Heathens are bound to Love those that are thus related to them: The Apostle hath determined the case, 1 Cor. 7. that Christians must perform their Duties to Husbands or Wives that are Unbelievers: The faults of another discharge you not from your duty. As Satan hath deceived some by separating principles about Church-communion, to deny almost all God's Ordinances to many, to whom they are due; so doth he thus deceive some persons in family-relations, and draw them from the duties which they owe for one another's good.
§. 28. Direct. 14. Ioyn together in frequent and fervent prayer: Prayer doth force the mind into some composedness and sobriety, and affecteth the heart with the presence and Majesty of God. Pray also for each other when you are in secret; that God may do that work which you most desire upon each others hearts.
§. 29. Direct. 15. Lastly, Help each other by an exemplary life. Be that yourselves which you desire your Husband or Wife should be: Excell in meekness, and humility, and charity, and dutifulness, and diligence, and self-denial, and patience, as far as you do excel in profession of Religion. St. Peter saith, that even those that will not be won by the Word, may be won without it by the Conversation of their Wives, 1 Pet. 3. 1. That is, the excellency of Religion may so far appear to them, by the fruits of it in their Wives Conversations, as may first incline them to think well and honourably of it, and so to inquire into the nature and reason of it, and to hearken to their Wives; and all this without the public Ministry. A life of undissembled holiness, and heavenliness, and self-denial, and meekness, and love, and mortification, is a powerful Sermon; which if you be constantly preaching before those that are still near you, will hardly miss of a good effect. Works are more palpably significant and persuasive, than words alone.
§. 30. Direct. 7. Another great Conjugal duty is, to be helpful to each other for the health and comfort of their Bodies. Not to pamper each others flesh, or cherish the vices of pride, or sloth, or gluttony, or voluptuousness in each other; but to further the health and cheerfulness of the Body, to fit it for the service of the soul and God. Such cherishing or pleasing of the Flesh, which is unlawful in each person to himself, is also unlawful (ordinarily) to use to another. But such as you may use for yourself, you may use also for your Wife or Husband. Not to live above your Estates, nor as servants to your guts, to serve the appetites of one another by delicious fare; but to be careful of that health, without which your lives will be made unserviceable or uncomfortable: And this must proceed from such a love to one another as you have to yourselves: And that both in time of Health and Sickness.
§. 31. 1. In Health, you must be careful to provide for each other (not so much pleasing as) wholesome food, and to keep each other from that which is hurtful to your health; dissuading each other from Gluttony and Idleness, the two great Murderers of mankind. If the bodies of the poor, in hunger, and cold, and nakedness must be relieved, much more of those that are become as your own flesh.
§. 32. 2. Also in Sickness, you are to be tenderly regardful of each other; and not to be sparing of any cost or pains, by which the health of each other may be restored, or your souls confirmed, and your comforts cherished. You must not loath the Bodies of each other in the most lothsom sickness, nor shun them through loathing; no more than you would do your own. Prov. 17. 17. A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity: Much more those that are so nearly bound for sickness and health, till death shall separate them. It is an odious sin to be aweary of a sick or suffering friend, and desirous that God would take them, merely that you may be eased of the trouble. And usually such persons do meet with such measure as they measured to others; and those that they look for help and comfort from, will perhaps be as weary of them, and as glad to be rid of them.
§. 33. Direct. 8. Another duty of Husbands and Wives, is to be helpful to each other in their worldly business, and estates. Not for worldly ends, nor with a worldly mind; but in obedience to God who will have them Labor, as well as pray, for their daily bread; and hath determined that in the sweat of their brows they shall eat their bread; and that six days they shall labor and do all that they have to do: and that he that will not work must not eat. The care of their affairs doth lie upon them both, and neither of them must cast it off and live in idleness: (unless one of them be an Ideot, or so witless, as to be unfit for care, or so sick or lame, as to be unfit for labor.)
§. 34. Direct. 9. Also you must be careful of the lawful honor and good names of one another. You must not divulge, but conceal the dishonorable failings of each other: (as Abigail, except in any case compassion or justice require you to open them to any one for a cure, or to clear the truth.) The reputation of each other must be as dear to you as your own. It is a sinful and unfaithful practice of many, both Husbands and Wives, who among their companions are opening the faults and infirmities of each other, which they are bound in tenderness to cover. As if they perceived not that by dishonoring one another, they dishonor themselves. Love will cover a multitude of faults, 1 Pet. 4. 8. Nay, many disaffected peevish persons will aggravate all the faults of one another behind their backs to strangers; and sometimes slander them, and speak more than is truth. Many a man hath been put to clear his good name from the slanders of a jealous or a passionate Wife: And an open enemy is not capable of doing one so much wrong as she that is in his bosom, because she will be easily be believed, as being supposed to know him better than any other.
§. 35. Direct. 10. It is also a great part of the duty of Husbands and Wives, to be helpful to one another in the education of their Children, and in the government of the inferiors of the family. Some men cast all the care of the Children while they are young upon their Wives: And many women by their passion and indiscretion do make themselves unfit to help their Husbands in the Government either of their Children or Servants: But this is one of the greatest parts of their employment. As to the Mans part, to govern his house well, it is a duty unquestionable. And it is not to be denied of the Wife. 1 Tim. 5. 14. [ I will that the younger Women marry, bear Children, guide the house. ] Bathsh • ba taught Solomon, Prov. 31. 1. Abigail took better care of Nabal 's house than he did himself. They that have a joint interest, and are one flesh, must have a joint part in government: although their power be not equal; and one may better oversee some business, and the other, other business; yet in their places they must divide the care, and help each other: And not as it is with many wicked persons, who are the most unruly part of the family themselves, and the chiefest cause that it is ungoverned and ungodly; or one party hindereth the other from keeping order, or doing any good.
§. 36. Direct. 11. Another part of their Duty is, to help each other in works of charity and hospitality. While they have opportunity to do good to all, but especially to them of the household of faith: and to sow to the Spirit, that of the Spirit they may reap everlasting life: yea, to sow plentifully that they may reap plentifully, Gal. 6. that if they are able their houses may afford relief and entertainment for the needy; especially for Christ's servants for their Masters sake; who hath promised, that [ He that receiveth a Prophet in the name of a Prophet shall receive a Prophets reward: and he that receiveth a righteous man in the name of a righteous man, shall receive a righteous man's reward: and whosoever shall give to drink unto one of these little ones, a cup of cold water, in the name of a Disciple, verily I say unto you, he shall in no wise lose his reward. Matth. 10. 41, 42.] The woman of S •••• em lost nothing by the entertainment of Elisha, when she said to her Husband, Behold, now I perceive that this is an holy man of God which passeth by us continually: Let us make him a little Chamber I pray thee on the wall, and let us set for him there a Bed, and a Table, and a Stool, and a Candlestick: and it shall be when he cometh to us, that he shall turn in thither: 2 Kings 4. 10. But now how common is it for the people to think all too little for themselves; and if one of them be addicted to works of charity, the other is covetous and is always hindering them.
§. 37. Direct. 12. Lastly, It is a great part of the duty of Husbands and Wives, to be helpers and comforters of each other in order to a safe and happy death. 1. In the time of Health, you must often and seriously remember each other of the time when death will make the separation; and live together in your daily converse, as those that are still expecting the parting hour. Help to awaken each others souls, to make ready all those graces which then will prove necessary, and to live in a constant preparation for your change. Reprove all that in one another, which will be unsavory and ungrateful to your review at death. If you see each other dull and slow in your preparations, or to live in vanity, worldliness or sloth, as if you had forgotten that you must shortly die, stir up one another to do all that without delay which the approach of such a day requireth. 2. And when Death is at hand, O then what abundance of tenderness, and seriousness, and skill, and diligence, is needful for one, that hath the last office of love to perform, to the departing soul of so near a friend? O then what need will there be of your most wise, and faithful and diligent help? When nature faileth, and the pains of flesh divert the mind, and temptations are strongest, while the body is weakest; when a languishing body, and a doubting, fearful, troubled mind, do call for your compassion and help, O then what skill and holy seriousness will be necessary! O what a calamity is it to have a carnal unsanctified Husband or Wife, which will neither help you to prepare for death, nor can speak a serious word of counsel or comfort to you at a dying hour: that can do nothing but stand by and weep over you, but have not a sensible word to say, about the life that you are going to, nor about the duty of a departing soul, nor against the temptations and fears which then may be ready to overwhelm you. They that are utterly unprepared and unfit to die themselves, can do little to prepare or help another. But they that live together as the heirs of Heaven, and converse on earth as fellowtravellers to the Land of Promise, may help and encourage the souls of one another, and joyfully part at death, as expecting quickly to meet again in life eternal.
§. 38. Were it not lest I be over tedious, I should next speak of the Manner how Husbands and Wives must perform their duties to each other: As 1. That it should be all done in such entire Love, as maketh the case of one another to you as your own. 2. That therefore all must be done in Pa • ience and mutual forbearance. 3. And in familiarity, and not with strangeness, distance, sowerness, no • affected complement. 4. And in secrecy: where I should have shown you in what cases secrecy may be broken, and in what not. 5. And in confidence of each others fidelity, and not in suspicion, jealousy, and distrust. 6. And in prudence to manage things aright, and to foresee and avoid impediments and inconveniences. 7. And in holiness that God may be the first and last, and all in all. 8. And in constancy that you cease not your duties for one another until death. But necessary abbreviation alloweth me to say no more of these.
CHAP. VIII. The special Duties of Husbands to their Wives.
§. 1. HE that will expect Duty or Comfort from his Wife, must be faithful in doing the duty of a Husband. The failing of yourselves in your own duty, may cause the failing of another to you, or at least will some other way as much afflict you, and will▪ be bitterer to you in the end, than if an hundred failed of their duty to you. A good Husband will either make a good Wife, or easily and profitably endure a bad one. I shall therefore give you Directions for your own part of duty, as that which your happiness is most concerned in.
§. 2. Direct. 1. The Husband must undertake the principal part of the Government of the whole family, even of the Wife herself: And therefore I. He must labor to be fit and able for that Government which he undertaketh: This ability consisteth 1. In holiness and spiritual wisdom, that he may be acquainted with the End to which he is to conduct them, and the Rule by which he is to guide them; and the principal works which they are to do. An ungodly irreligious man is both a stranger and an enemy to the chiefest part of family-government. 2. His ability consisteth in a due acquaintance with the works of his Calling, and the labors in which his servants are to be employed. For he that is utterly unacquainted with their business, will be very unfit to govern them in it: unless he commit that part of their government to his Wife or a Steward that is acquainted with it. 3. And he must be acquainted both with the common temper and infirmities of mankind that he may know how much is to be born with, and also with the particular temper, and faults, and virtues of those whom he is to govern. 4. And he must have Prudence to direct himself in all his carriage to them, and Justice to deal with everyone as they deserve; and Love to do them all the good he can, for soul and body. II. And being thus able, he must make it his daily work, and especially be sure that he govern himself well, that his example may be part of his government of others.
§. 3. Direct. 2. The Husband must so unite Authority and Love, that neither of them may be omitted or concealed, but both be exercised and maintained: Love must not be exercised so imprudently as to destroy the exercise of Authority: And Authority must not be exercised over a Wife so Magisterially and imperiously, as to destroy the exercise of Love. As your Love must be a Governing Love, so your Commands must all be Loving Commands. Lose not your Authority▪ for that will but disable you from doing the Office of a Husband to your Wife, or of a Master to your servants. Yet must it be maintained by no means inconsistent with Conjugal Love; and therefore not by fierceness or cruelty, by threatenings or stripes, (unless by distraction or loss of reason, they cease to be uncapable of the carriage otherwise due to a Wife). There are many cases of equality in which Authority is not to be exercised; but there is no case of inequality or unworthiness so great, in which Conjugal Love is not to be exercised: and therefore nothing must exclude it.
§. 4. Direct. 3. It is the duty of Husbands to preserve the Authority of their Wives, over the Children and Servants of the family. For they are joint-governors with them over all the in • eriors. And the infirmities of women are apt many times to expose them to contempt: so that Servants and Children will be apt to sleight them, and disobey them, if the Husband interpose not to preserve their honor and authority. Yet this must be done with such Cautions as these: 1. Justify not any error, vice or weakness of your Wives. They may be concealed and excused as far as may be, but never owned or defended. 2. Urge not obedience to any unlawful Command of theirs. No one hath Authority to contradict the Law of God, or disoblige any from his Government. You will but diminish your own authority with persons of any understanding, if you justify anything that is against God's authority. But if the thing commanded be lawful, though it may have some inconveniences, you must rebuke the disobedience of inferiors, and not suffer them to sleight the commands of your Wives, nor to set their own reason and wills against them, and say, We will not do it. How can they help you in Government, if you suffer them to be disobeyed.
§. 5. Direct. 4. Also you must preserve the Honor as well as the Authority of your Wives. I • they have any dishonorable infirmities, they are not to be mentioned by Children or Servants. As in the natural body we cover most carefully the most dishonorable parts (for our comely parts have no need) 1 Cor. 12. 23, 24. So must it be here. Children or Servants must not be suffered to carry themselves contemptuously or rudely towards them, nor to despise them, or speak unmannerly, proud or disdainful words to them. The Husband must vindicate them from all such injury and contempt.
§. 6. Direct. 5. The Husband is to excel the Wife in Knowledge, and be her Teacher in the matters that belong to her salvation. He must instruct her in the Word of God, and direct her in particular duties, and help her to subdue her own corruptions, and labor to confirm her against temptations: If she doubt of anything that he can resolve her in, she is to ask his resolution, and he to open to her at home, the things which she understood not in the Congregation, 1 Cor. 14. 35. But if the husband be indeed an ignorant sot, or have made himself unable to instruct his wife, she is not bound to ask him in vain to teach her that which he understandeth not himself. Those husbands that despise the word of God, and live in willful ignorance, do not only despise their own souls, but their families also; and making themselves unable for their duties, they are usually themselves despised by their inferiors; For God hath told such in his message to Eli, 1 Sam. 2. 30. Them that honor me I will honor, and they that despise me shall be lightly esteemed.
§. 7. Direct. 6. The Husband must be the principal Teacher of the family. He must instruct them, and examine them, and rule them about the matters of God, as well as his own service, and see that the Lord's Day and Worship be observed by all that are within his gates. And therefore he must labor for such understanding and ability as is necessary hereunto. And if he be unable or negligent, it is his sin and will be his shame. If the wife be wiser and abler, and it be cast upon her, it is his dishonor: But if neither of them do it, the sin and shame and suffering will be common to them both.
§. 8. Direct. 7. The Husband is to be the mouth of the family in their daily conjunct prayers unto God. Therefore he must be able to pray, and also have a praying heart. He must be as it were the Priest of the household, and therefore should be the most Holy, that he may be fit to stand between them and God, and to offer up their prayers to him. If this be cast on the Wife it will be his dishonor.
§. 9. Direct. 8. The Husband is to be the chief Provider for the family (ordinarily): It is supposed that he is most able for mind and body; and is the chief disposer of the estate: Therefore he must be specially careful that wife and children want nothing that is fit for them, so far as he can procure it.
Direct. 9. The Husband must be strongest in Family-patience; bearing with the weakness and passions of the wife: not so as to make light of any sin against God, but so as not to make a great matter of any frailty as against himself; and so so as to preserve the Love and Peace which is to be as the natural temper of their Relation.
Direct. 10. The manner of all these Duties must also be carefully regarded: As, 1. That they be done in Prudence, and not with folly, rashness and inconsiderateness. 2. That all be done in conjugal Love, and tenderness, as over one that is tender and the weaker vessel: and that he do not teach or command or reprove a wife, in the same imperious manner as a child or servant. 3. That due familiarity be maintained, and that he keep not at a distance and strangeness from his wife. 4. That Love be confident, without base suspicions and causeless jealousies. 5. That all be done in Gentleness, and not in Passion, roughness and sourness. 6. That there be no unjust and causeless concealment of secrets, which should be common to them both. 7. That there be no foolish opening of such secrets to her as may become her snare, and she is not able to bear or keep. 8. That none of their own matters which should be kept secret be made known to others. His teaching and reproving her should be, for the most part secret. 9. That he be constant, and not weary of his Love or duty. This briefly of the Manner.
CHAP. IX. The special Duties of Wives to Husbands.
THE Wife that expecteth comfort in a Husband, must make conscience of all her own Duty to her Husband: For though it be his duty to be kind and faithful to her though she prove unkind and froward, yet 1. Men are frail and apt to fail in such difficult duties as well as women: 2. And it is so ordered by God, that comfort and duty shall go together, and you shall miss of comfort, if you cast off duty.
§. 1. Direct. 1. Be specially loving to your Husbands: Your natures give you the advantage in his: and Love feedeth Love: This is your special requital for all the troubles that your infirmities put them to.
§. 2. Direct. 2. Live in a voluntary subjection and obedience to them. If their softness or yieldingness cause them to relinquish their authority; and for peace they are fain to let you have your wills; yet remember that it is God that hath appointed them to be your Heads and Governors. If they are so silly as to be unable, you should not have chosen such to Rule you as are unfit: but having chosen them, you must assist them with your better understanding in a submissive and not a ruling masterly way. A servant that hath a foolish master may help him without becoming Master. And do not deceive yourselves by giving the bare Titles of Government to your Husbands, when yet you must needs in all things have your own Wills: For this is but mockery, and not obedience. To be subject and obedient is to take the Understanding and will of another to Govern you before (though not without ) your own; and to make your Understandings and wills to follow the conduct of his that governeth you. Self-willedness is contrary to subjection and obedience.
§. 3. Direct. 3. Learn of your Husbands as your appointed Teachers, and be not self-conceited and wise in your own eyes, but ask of them such instructions as your case requireth. 1 Cor. 14. 34, 35. Let your women keep silence in the Churches, for it is not permitted to them to speak: but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the Law: and if they will learn anything, let them ask their husbands at home: (unless when the husband is so ignorant as to be utterly unable; which is his sin and shame: For it is vain to ask that of them which they know not.)
§. 4. Direct. 4. Set yourselves seriously to amend all those faults which they reprove in you: Do not take it ill to be reproved; swell not against it, as if they did you harm or wrong: It is a very ill sign to hate reproof, Prov. 12. 1. and 10. 17. and 15▪ 10, 31, 32. and 17. 10. And what doth their Government of you signify, if you will not amend the faults that are reproved in you? but continue impenitent and grudge at the reproof? It is a miserable folly to desire to be flattered and soothed by any, but especially by one that is bound to be faithful to you, and whose intimacy should make you as ready to hear of your faults from him, as to be acquainted with them yourselves and especially when it concerneth the safety or benefit of your souls.
§. 5. Direct. 5. Honor your Husbands according to their superiority. Behave not yourselves towards them with unreverence and contempt, in titles, speeches or any behavior: If the worth of their persons deserve not Honor, yet their place deserveth it. Speak not of their infirmities to others behind their backs: as some twatling Gossips use to do, that know not that their husbands dishonor is their own, and that to open it causelessly to others is their double shame. Those that silently hear you, will tell others behind your back, how foolishly and shamefully you spake to them against your Husbands. If God have made your nearest friend an affliction to you, why should you complain to one that is farther off? (unless it be to some special prudent friend, in case of true necessity for advise.)
§. 6. Direct. 6. Live in a cheerful contentedness with your condition; and take heed of an impatient murmuring spirit. It is a continual burden to a man to have an impatient discontented wife. Many a poor man can easily bear his poverty himself, that yet is not able to bear his Wives impatience under it. To hear her night and day complaining, and speaking distrustfully, and see her live disquietedly, is far heavier than his poverty itself. If his Wife could bear it as patiently as he, it would be but light to him. Yea, in case of suffering for righteousness sake, the impatience of a wife is a greater trial to a man than all the suffering itself; and many a man that could easily have suffered the loss of his estate, or banishment, or imprisonment for Christ, hath betrayed his Conscience and yielded to sin, because his wife hath grieved him with impatiency, and could not bear what he could bear. Whereas a contented cheerful wife, doth help to make a man cheerful and contented in every state.
§. 7. Direct. 7. In a special manner strive to subdue your passions, and to speak and do all in meekness and sobriety. The rather because that the weakness of your Sex doth usually subject you m •• e to Passions, than men: And it is the common cause of the husbands disquietness, and the calamity of your relation. It is the vexation and sickness of your own minds: you find not yourselves at ease within, as long as you are passionate. And then it is the grief and disquietness of your Husbands: And being provoked by you, they provoke you more: and so your disquietness increaseth; and your lives are made a weary burden to you. By all means therefore keep down passion, and keep a composed patient mind.
§. 8. Direct. 8. Take heed of a proud and contentious disposition; and maintain a humble, peaceable temper. Pride will make you turbulent and unquiet with your husbands, and contentious with your neighbors: It will make you foolish and ridiculous, in striving for honor and precedency, and envying those that exceed you or go before you: In a word, it is the Devils sin, and would make you a shame and trouble to the world. But Humility is the health, the peace and the ornament of the soul, 1 Pet. 3. 4. A meek and quiet spirit is in the sight of God of great price: (Write those words in your bed-chamber on the walls where they may be daily before your eyes.) Col. 3. 12. Put on as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercy, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering, forbearing one another, and forgiving one another —If this be the duty of all to one another; much more of wives to husbands. 1 Pet. 5. 5. Yea all of you be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud and giveth grace to the humble. Proud women oft ruin their Husbands estates, and quietness, and their own souls.
§. 9. Direct. 9. Affect not a childish gawdiness of apparel, nor a vain or costly or troublesome curiosity, in anything about you. Uncleanness and nastiness is a fault, but very small in comparison of this pride and curisioty. It dishonoreth your Sex and selves to be so childish as to overmind such toyish things. If you will needs be proud, be proud of somewhat that is of worth and proper to a man: To be proud of reason or wisdom or learning or goodness, is bad enough: but this is to be proud of something. But to be proud of fashions and fine clothes, of spots and nakedness, of sumptuous entertainments, and neat rooms, is to be proud of your shame and not your virtue; and of that which you are not so much as commendable for. And the cost, the time (O precious time) which themselves and their servants must lay out, upon their dressings, entertainments and other curiosities will be the shame and sorrow of their souls, whenever God shall open their eyes, and make them know what Time was worth, and what greater matters they had to mind. If vain and empty persons like yourselves; commend you for your bravery or curiosity, so will not any judicious sober person, whose commendation is much worth. And yet I must here with grief take notice, that when some few that in other matters seem wise and Religious, are themselves a little tainted with this childish curiosity and pride, and let fall words of disparagement against those whose dress and dwellings and entertainments are not so curious as their own, this proves the greatest maintainer of this sin, and the most notable service to the devil: For then abundance will plead this for this sinful curiosity and pride; and say, I shall else be accounted base or fordid: even such and such will speak against me. Take heed, if you will needs be such yourselves, that you prate not against others that are not as vain and curious as you: For the nature of man is more prone to Pride and Vanity, than to Humility▪ and the improvement of their Time and • ost in greater matters: and while you think that you speak but against indecency, you become the Devils Preachers, and do him more service than you consider of▪ You may as wisely speak against people for using to eat or drink too little; when there is not one of a multitude that liveth not ordinarily in excess: and so excess will get advantage by it.
§. 10. Direct. 10. Be specially careful in the Government of your tongues; and let your words be few, and well considered before you speak them. A double diligence is needful in this, because it is the most common miscarriage of your Sex: A laxative running tongue is so great a dishonor to you, that I never knew a woman very full of words, but she was the pity of her friends, and the contempt of others; who behind her back will make a scorn of her, and talk of her as some cracktbrained or half-witted person: yea though your talk be good, it will be tedious and contemptible, if it be thus poured out, and be too cheap. Prov. 10. 19. In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin, but he that refraineth his lips is wise. You must answer in judgment for your idle words, Matth. 12. 36. You will take it ill to be accounted fools, and made the derision of those that talk of you: Judge by the Scripture what occasion you give them. Eccles. 5. 3, 7. A dream cometh by the multitude of business, and a fools voice i • known by multitude of words: In the multitude of dreams and many words, there are divers vanities. Eccles. 10. 12, 13, 14. The words of a wise man's mouth are gracious, but the lips of a fool will swallow up himself: The beginnings of the words of his mouth is foolishness, and the end of his talk is mischievous madness: A fool also is full of words. Whereas a woman that is cante • o •• and sparing of her words, is commonly reverenced and supposed to be wise. So that if you had no higher design in it, but merely to be well thought of and honored by men, you can scarcely take a surer way, than to let your words be few and weighty: Though the avoiding of sin, and unquietness, should prevail with you much more.
§. 11. Direct. 11. Be willing and diligent in your proper part, of the care and labor of the family. As the primary provision of maintenance belongeth most to the Husband, so the secondary provision within doors; belongeth specially to the wi • e. Read over and over the 31 Chap. of the Prov • Especially the care of nursing your own children, and teaching them, and watching over them when they are young; and also watching over the family at home, when your Husbands are abroad, is your proper work.
§. 12. Direct. 12. Dispose not of your Husbands estate without his knowledge and consent. You are not only to consider whether the work be good that you lay it out upon, but what power you have to do it. Quest. But may a woman' give nothing, nor lay out nothing in the house, without her Husbands consent? Answ. 1. If she have his general or implicit consent, it may suffice; that is, If he allow her to follow her judgment: or if he commit such a proportion to her power, to do what she will with it. Or if she know that if he knew it he would not be against it. 2. Or if the Law or his consent do give her any propriety in any part of his estate, or make her a joint proprietor, she may proportionably dispose of it in a necessary case. The Husband is considerable either as a Proprietor or as her Governor: As a proprietor, he only may dispose of the estate, where he is the soleproprietor: But where consent or the Law of the Land doth make the Woman joint-proprietor, she is not disabled from giving for want of a propriety. But then no Law exempteth her from his Government: And therefore she is not to give anything in a way of disobedience, though it be her own: Except when he forbiddeth that which is her duty, or which he hath no power to forbid. So that in case of joint-propriety she may give without him, so be it she exceed not her proportion, and also if it be in a case of Duty, where he may not hinder her. As to save the lives of the poor in extreme necessity, famine or imprisonment, or the like. 3. But if the thing be wholly her own, excepted from his propriety, and she be sole-proprietor, then she need not ask his consent at all, any other way than as he is her Guide, to direct her to the best way of disposing of it: Which if he forbid her, instead of directing her to it, she is not thereby excusable before God, for the abusing of her trust and Talents. 4. I conceive that ad aliquid as to certain absolutely necessary uses, the very Relation maketh the Woman as a joint proprietor: As if her Husband will not allow her such food and raiment as is necessary to preserve the lives and health of herself and all her Children; she is bound to do it without or against his will, (if she can, and if it be not to a greater hurt, and the estate be his own, and he be able) rather than let her Children contract such diseases as apparently will follow to the hazard of their lives. Yea and to save the life of another that in famine is ready to perish: For she is not as a stranger to his estate. But out of these cases, if a Wife shall secretly waste or give, or lay it out on bravery, or vanity, or set her wit against her Husbands, and because she thinks him too strait or penurious, therefore she will dispose of it without his consent, this is thievery, disobedience and injustice.
Quest. But as the case standeth with us in England, hath the Wife a joint propriety or not?
Answ. Three ways (at least) she may have a propriety. 1. By a reserve of what was her own before; which (however some question it) may in some cases be done in their agreement at marriage. 2. By the Law of the Land. 3. By the Husbands consent or donation. What the Law of the Land saith in this case, I leave to the Lawyers: But it seemeth to me, that his words at Marriage [ with all my worldly goods I thee endow ] do signify his consent to make her a joint-proprietor: And his consent is sufficient to the collation of a title, to that which was his own. Unless any can prove, that Law or custom, doth otherwise expound the words, (as an empty formality,) and that at the contract, this was or should be known to her to be the sense: And the Laws allowing the wife the third part upon death or separation, doth intimate a joint-propriety before.
Quest. 2. If the Husband live upon unlawful gain, as cheating, stealing, robbing by the high-way, &c. is not the wife guilty as a joint proprietor, in retaining such ill-gotten goods, if she know it? And is she bound to accuse her Husband, or to restore such goods?
Answ. Her duty is, first to admonish her husband of his sin and danger, and endeavor his repentance, in the mean time disclaiming all consent, and reception of the goods. And if she cannot prevail for his Repentance, Restitution and Reformation, she hath a double duty to perform: the one is to help them to their goods whom he hath injured and robbed, (by prudent and just means:) The other is to prevent his robbing of others for the time to come. But how these must be done, is the great difficulty.
1. If she foresee (or may do) that either by her husbands displeasure, or by the cruel revenge of the injured party, the hurt of discovering the fraud or robbery, will be greater than the good, then I think that she is not bound to discover it. But by some secret, indirect way, to help the owner to his own: if it may be done without a greater hurt.
2. To prevent his sin and other men's future suffering by him, she seemeth to me to be bound to reveal her husbands sinful purposes to the Magistrate, if she can no other way prevail with him to forbear. My reasons are▪ Because the keeping of God's Law, and the Law of the Land, and the public order and good, and the preventing of our Neighbors hurt by Robbery or fraud, and so the interest of honesty and right, is of greater importance than any duty to her Husband or preservation of her own peace, which seemeth to be against it. But then I must suppose that she liveth under a Magistrate who will take but a just revenge. For if she know the Laws and Magistrate to be so unjust, as to punish a fault with death which deserveth it not, she is not to tell such a Magistrate, but to preserve her Neighbors safety by some other way of intimation.
If any one think that a Wife may in no case, accuse a husband, to the hazard of his life or estate, let them, 1. Remember what God obliged Parents to do against the lives of incorrigible Children, Deut. 21. 2. And that the honor of God, and the lives of our Neighbors should be preferred before the life of one offender, and their estates before his estate alone. 3. And that the light of Reason telleth us, that a Wife is to reveal a Treason against the King, which is plotted by a Husband▪ and therefore also the robbing of the Kings Treasury, or deceiving him in any matter of great concernment: And therefore in due proportion, the Laws and common good, and our Neighbors welfare are to be preserved by us, though against the nearest relation: Only all due tenderness of the life and reputation of the Husband is to be preserved, in the manner of proceedings, as far as will stand with the interest of justice and the common good.
Quest. 3. May the Wife go hear Sermons when the Husband forbiddeth her?
Answ. There are some Sermons which must not be heard: There are some Sermons which may be heard, and must when no greater matter doth divert us: And there are some Sermons which must be heard whoever shall forbid it. Those which must not be heard, are such as are Heretical (ordinarily) and such as are superfluous, and at such times when greater duties call us another way. Those which may be heard, are either occasional Sermons, or such Lectures as are neither of Necessity to ourselves, nor yet to the owning of God and his public Worship. One that liveth where there are daily or hourly Sermons, may hear them as oft as suiteth with their condition, and their other duties: But in this case, the Command of a Husband, with the inconveniences that will follow disobeying him, may make it a duty to forbear. But that we do sometimes publicly own God's Worship, and Church-Ordinances, and receive Ministerial teaching for our Edification, is of double necessity; that we d • ny not God, and that we betray not, or desert not our own souls. And this is especially necessary (ordinarily) on the Lord's Days, which are appointed for these necessary uses. And here the Husband hath no power to forbid the Wife, nor should she ( formally ) obey his prohibition. But yet as affirmatives bind not ad semper, and no duty is a duty at every season, so it is possible that on the Lord's Day, it may extraordinarily become a duty to forbear Sermons or Sacraments, or other public Worship. As when any greater duty calleth us away: As to quench a fire: and to save men's lives; and to save our Country from an enemy in a time of War: and to save our own lives (if we knew the assembly would be assaulted), or to preserve our liberty for greater service. Christ • et us to learn the meaning of this Lesson [ I will have Mercy and not Sacrifice ]. In such a case also a mischief may be avoided, even from a Husband, by the omission of a duty at that time, (when it would be no duty) for this is but a transposition of it. But this is but an act of prudent self-preservation, and not an act of formal obedience.
Quest. 4. If a Woman have a Husband so incorrigible in Vice, as that by long trial she findeth that speaking against it, maketh him worse, and causeth him to abuse her, is she bound to continue her disuasion, or to f • rbear?.
Answ. That is not here a duty which is not a means to do some good: And that is no means which we know before hand is like, i • not certain, to do no good, or to do more harm. We must not by weariness, laziness, or • ensoriousness, take a case to be desperate, which is not: Nor must we so easily de • ist with so near a relation as with a stranger or a neighbor. But yet Christ's indulgence of not exposing ourselves to be torn by Dogs, and his Word trodden in the dirt by Swine, doth extend to relations as well as others. But then you must observe that she that is justly discouraged from sharp reproofs, may yet have hope that gentle and humble persuasions may succeed: And she that is discouraged from open, or frequent, or plain reproofs: may yet have hope that secret, or more seldom, or more distant and general admonitions may not be lost. And she that is discouraged from one way of doing him good, may yet have many other ways (as to set some Minister whom he reverenceth to speak to him: to put some suitable Book into his hand, &c. ) And she that is discouraged at the present, ought not totally to despair, but may make some more attempts hereafter; either in some sickness, or time of mortality, or danger, or affliction, or when possibly time and consideration may have better prepared him to hear. And in the mean time she is to continue all Conjugal affection and duty, and a convincing, winning course of life▪ which may prove the most effectual reproof.
Quest. 5. What should a Woman do in controverted cases of Religion, when her judgment and her Husbands differ?
Answ. 1. Some make a controversy of that which with all good Christians or sober persons should be past controversy: and some controversies are indeed of real, if not insuperable difficulty. 2. Some controversies are about important necessary things, and some about things of lesser moment. 3. Some are about mere Opinion, or other men's practice, and some about our own practice.
1. In all differences of judgment the Wife must exercise such self-suspicion, and modesty, and submission, as may signify her due sense, both of the weakness of her Sex, and of her subjection to her Husband. 2. In things indifferent she must in practice obey her Husband; unless when superior powers do forbid it, and that in cases where their authority is greater. 3. She may modestly give her reasons of dissent. 4. She must not turn it to an unpeaceable quarrel, or matter of disaffection, or pretend any differences against her Conjugal duties. 5. In dark and difficult cases she should not be peremptory, and self-conceited, nor importunate; but if she have faith (that is, some more knowledge than he) have it to herself, in quietness and silence: and seek further information lest she err. 6. She must speak no untruth, nor commit any known sin, in obedience to her Husbands judgment. 7. When she strongly suspecteth it to be sin, she must not do it merely in obedience to him, but seek for better satisfaction. For she is sure that he hath no power to force her to sin: And therefore hath no more assurance of his power in that point, than she hath of the lawfulness of the thing. 8. But if she prove to be in the error, she will sin on either side, till she recover. 9. If a Husband be in dangerous error, she must wisely, but unweariedly seek his reformation, by herself or others.
Cases about Divorce and Separation.
Quest. 1. IS it lawful for Husband and Wife to be long absent from each other? and how long, and in what Cases?
Answ. It is lawful to be absent either in the case of prayer which Paul mentioneth, or in case of the needful affairs of their estates, so long as may be no danger to either of them as to mental or corporal incontinency, nor to any other hurt which will be greater than the benefits of their absence; nor cause them to be guilty of the neglect of any real duty. Therefore the cases of several persons do much differ according to the different tempers of their minds, and bodies, and affairs. He that hath a Wife of a chaste, contented, prudent temper, may stay many months or years in some cases, when all things considered, it tendeth to more good than hurt. As Lawyers by their Callings are often necessitated to follow their Callings at Terms and Assizes. And Merchants may be some years absent in some weighty cases. But if you ask, Whether the getting of money be a sufficient cause? I answer, that it is sufficient to those whose families must be so maintained, and their Wives are easily continent, and so the good of their gain is greater than any loss or danger that cometh by it. But when Covetousness puts them upon it needlessly, and their Wives cannot bear it, or in any case, when the hurt that is like to follow, is greater than the good, it is unlawful.
Quest. 2. May Husband and Wife be separated by the bare command of Princes? If they make a Law that in certain cases they shall part: As suppose it to Ministers, Judges or Soldiers?
Answ. You must distinguish between the bare Command or Law, and the Reasons and Ends of that Command: and so between a Lawful Command and an Unlawful. In some Cases a Prince may justly command a separation for a time, or such as is like to prove for perpetuity, and in some cases he may not. If a King command a separation without sufficient cause, so that you have no Motive but his Authority, and the question is, Whether formally you are bound to obedience; I answer, No: Because what God hath joined, no man hath power to pu • asunder. Nor can either Prince, Pope or Prelate dispe • se with your Marriage Covenant: In such a case, it is as a Private act, because God hath given them no authority for it: and therefore their Commands or Laws are Nullities 〈◊〉 Only if a Prince say, He that will be a Judge or a Justice shall part with his Wife, it is lawful to leave the Office, and so obey the Law. But if he say to all Ministers of the Gospel, you shall forsake your Wives or your Ministry, they should do neither, because they are Divinely obliged to both, and he hath no power to forbid them, or to dispense with that obligation.
But it may fall out, that the Ends of the Command may be so great as to make it Lawful, and then it must be obeyed both formally for the authority of the Prince, and finally for the reasons of the thing. As if the safety of the Commonwealth should require, that Married persons be Soldiers, and that they go far off; yea, though there be no likelihood of returning to their families, and withal they cannot take their Wives with them, without detriment or danger to their service: In this case men must obey the Magistrate, and are called by God to forsake their Wives, as if it were by death. Nor is it any violation of their Marriage Covenant, because that was intended or meant to suppose the Exception of any such Call of God, which cannot be resisted when it will make a separation.
Quest. 3. May Ministers leave their Wives to go abroad to preach the Gospel?
Answ. If they can neither do God's work as well at home, nor yet take their Wives with them, nor be excused from doing that part of service, by other men's doing it, who have no such impediment: they may and must leave their Wives to do it. In this case, the interest of the Church, and of the souls of many, must over-rule the interest of Wife and Family. Those Pastors who have fixed stations, must neither leave flock or family, without necessity, or a clear call from God. But in several Cases a Preacher may be necessitated to go abroad: As in case of persecution at home, or of some necessity of foreign or remote parts, which cannot be otherwise supplied: Or when some door is opened for the Conversion of Infidels, Heretics; or Idolaters, and none else so fit to do that work▪ or none that will. In any such case, when the cause of God in any part of the world consideratis considerandis doth require his help, a Minister must leave Wife and Family, yea, and a particular flock to do it. For our obligations are greatest to the Catholic Church, and public good; and the greatest good must be preferred. If a King command a Subject to be an Embassador in the remotest part of the world, and the public good withal requireth it, if Wife and Children cannot be taken with him, they must be left behind, and he must go. So must a consecrated Minister of Christ for the service of the Church, refuse all entanglements which would more hinder his work, than the contrary benefits will countervail. And this exception also was supposed in the Marriage contract, that family interests and comforts must give way to the public interest, and to God's disposals.
And therefore it is that Ministers should not rashly venture upon Marriage, nor any woman that is wi • e, venture to marry a Minister, till she is first well prepared for such accidents as may separate them, for a shorter or a longer time.
Quest. 4. May one leave a Wife to save his life, in case of personal persecution or danger?
Answ. Yes, i • she cannot be taken with him: For the means which are for the Helps of Life, do suppose the preservation of Life itself: If he live, he may further serve God, and possibly return to his Wife and family. But if he die, he is removed from them all.
Quest. 5. May Husband and Wife part by mutual Consent, if they find it to be for the good of both?
Answ. If you speak not of a dissolving the bond of their Relations, but withdrawing as to cohabitation: I answer, 1. It is not to be done upon passions and discontents, to feed and gratify each others vicious distempers or interest: For then both the Consent and the separation are their sins. But if really such an uncurable unsuitableness be between them, as that their lives must needs be miserable by their co-habitation, I know not but they may live asunder; so be it, that (after all other means used in vain) they do it by deliberate free consent. But if one of them should by craft or cruelty constrain the other to consent, it is unlawful to the constrainer. Nor must impatience make either of them ungroundedly despair of the cure of any unsuitableness which is really curable. But many sad instances might be given, in which co-habitation may be a constant calamity to both, and distance may be their relief, and further them both in God's service, and in their corporal concernments. Yet I say not, that this is no sin: For their unsuitableness is their sin: And God still obligeth them to lay down that sin which maketh them unsuitable; and therefore doth not allow them to live asunder, it being still their duty, to live together in Love and peace; And saying they cannot, •••• th them not from the duty. But yet that moral Impotency may make such a separation as aforesaid, to be a Lesser sin than their unpeaceable co-habitation.
Quest. 6. May not the Relation itself be dissolved by mutual free consent, so that they may marry others?
Answ. As to the Relation, they will still be Related as those that did Covenant to live in conjugal society, and are still allowed it and obliged to it, if the Impediments were but removed: And it is but the exercise which is hindered. And they may not Consent to marry others: 1. Because the contracted Relation was for Life, Rom. 7. 2. and God's Law accordingly obligeth them. Marriages pro tempore, dissoluble by consent, are not of God's institution, but contrary to it. 2. They know not but their Impediments of co-habitation may be removed. 3. If he that marrieth an innocent divorced woman commit adultery, by parity of reason (with advantage) it will be so here. If you say, what if either of them cannot contain? I answer, He that will not take heed before, must be patient afterwards, and not make advantage of his own folly, to the fulfilling of his lusts. If he will what he ought to do in the use of all means, he may live chastely. And 4. The public interest must overrule the private, and that which would be unjust in private respects, may for public good become a duty: It seemeth unjust here with us, that the innocent Country should repay every man his money, who between Sun and Sun is robbed on the Road: And yet because it will engage the Country to watchfulness, it is just as for the common good: And he that consenteth to be a member of a Commonwealth, doth thereby consent to submit his own right to the common interest So here; If all should have leave to marry others when they consent to part, it would bring utter confusion, and it would encourage wicked men, to abuse their Wives, till they forced them to consent. Therefore some must bear the trouble which their folly hath brought on themselves, rather than the common order should be confounded.
Quest. 7. Doth Adultery dissolve the bond of Marriage, or not? Ames saith, it doth. And Mr. Whateley having said so, afterward recanted it by the persuasion of other Divines.
Answ. The difference is only about the Name and not about the Matter itself. The Reason which moved Dr. Ames is, Because the injured person is free; therefore not bound: therefore the bond is dissolved: The reason which Mr. Whateley could not answer is, Because it is not fornication, but lawful, if they continue their conjugal familiarity after adultery: therefore that bond is not dissolved. In all which it is easy to perceive, that one of them taketh the word Vinculum or Bond in one sense, that is, [For their Covenant-obligation to continue their Relation and mutual duties.] And the other taketh it in another sense, that is, [For the Relation itself as by it they are allowed conjugal familiarity, if the injured person will continue it.] The first Vinculum or Bond is dissolved, the second is not. In the Matter we are agreed, that the injured man may put away an adulterous Wife (in a regular way) if he please; but withal that he may continue the Relation if he please. So that his continued Consent shall suffice to continue it a lawful Relation and exercise; and his Will on the contrary shall suffice to dissolve the Relation, and disoblige him. (Saving the public order.)
Quest. 8. But is not the injured party at all obliged to separate, but left free?
Answ. Considering the thing simply in itself, he is wholly free to do as he please. But for all that Accidents or Circumstances may make it one man's duty to divorce, and another's duty to continue the Relation; according as it is like to do more good or hurt. Sometimes it may be a duty to expose the sin to public shame, for the prevention of it in others; and also to deliver ones self from a calamity. And sometimes there may be so great repentance, and hope of better effects by forgiving, that it may be a duty to forgive: And prudence must lay one thing with another, to discern on which side the duty lieth.
Quest. 9. Is it only the privilege of the Man, that he may put away an adulterous Wife? or also of the Woman, to depart from an adulterous Husband? The reason of the doubt is, because Christ mentioneth the man's power only, Matth. 5. & 19.
Answ. 1. The reason why Christ speaketh only of the man's case, is, because he was occasioned only to restrain the vicious custom of men's causeless putting away their Wives; having no occasion to restrain Women from leaving their Husbands. Men having the Rule did abuse it to the Womens injury; which Christ forbiddeth. And as it is an act of power, it concerneth the man alone: But as it is an act of Liberty, it seemeth to me to be supposed, that the Woman hath the same freedom: Seeing the Covenant is violated to her wrong. And the Apostle in 1 Cor. 7. doth make the Case of the Man and of the Woman to be equal in the point of Infidelity and desertion. I confess that it is unsafe extending the sense of Scripture beyond the importance of the words upon pretence of a parity of reason (as many of the Perjured do by Levite. 30. in case of Vows:) Lest man's deceitful wit should make a Law to itself as Divine, upon pretence of interpreting God's Laws: But yet when the plain Text doth speak but of one case (that is, of Men's putting away their Wives ), he that will thence gather an exclusion of the Woman's liberty, doth seem by addition to be the corrupter of the Law. And where the Context plainly showeth a Parity of reason, and that reason is made the ground of the determination in the Text, there it is safe to expound the Law extensively accordingly. Surely the Covenant of Marriage hath its Conditions on both parts: and some of those Conditions are necessary to the very being of the Obligations, though others are but needful to the well-being of the parties in that state. And therefore though Putting away be only the part of the Husband, as being the Ruler, and usually the Owner of the habitation, yet Departing may be the Liberty of the Wife. And I know no reason to blame those Countries, whose Laws allow the Wife to Sue out a divorce, as well as the Husband.
Quest. 10. May the Husband put away the Wife without the Magistrate, or the Wife depart from the Husband without a public legal divorce or license?
Answ. Where the Laws of the Land do take care for the prevention of injuries, and make any determination in the case (not contrary to the Law of God,) there it is a Christians duty to obey those Laws: Therefore if you live under a Law which forbiddeth any Putting away or Departing, without public sentence or allowance, you may not do it privately upon your own will. For the Civil Governors are to provide against the private injuries of any of the Subjects. And if persons might put away or depart at pleasure, it would introduce both injury and much wickedness into the world. But where the Laws of men do leave persons to their liberty in this case, they need then to look no further than to the Laws of God alone. But usually the sentence of the Civil power, is necessary only in case of appeal, or complaint of the party injured: and a separation may be made without such a public divorce, so that each party may make use of the Magistrate to right themselves if wronged. As if the Adultery be not openly known, and the injuring party desire rather to be put away privily than publicly (as Joseph purposed to do by Mary ) I see not but it is lawful so to do, in case that the Law, or the necessity of making the offender an Example require not the contrary, nor scandal or other accidents forbid it not. See Grotius 's learned Notes on Matth. 5. 31, 32. and on Matth. 19. and 1 Cor. 7. about these questions.
Quest. 11. Is not the case of Sodomy or Buggery a ground for warrantable divorce, as well as Adultery?
Answ. Yes, and seemeth to be included in the very word itself in the Text, Matth. 5. 31, 32. which signifieth uncleanness: or at least is fully implied in the reason of it. See Grotius ibid. also of this.
Quest. 12. What if both parties commit Adultery? may either of them put away the other, or depart; or rather must they forgive each other?
Answ. If they do it both at once, they do both forfeit the liberty of seeking any compensation for the injury; because the injury is equal (however some would give the advantage to the man): But if one commit Adultery first and the other after: Then either the last offender knew of the first or not? If not, then it seemeth all one as if it had been done at once. But if, yea, then they did it either on a supposition of the dissolution of the matrimonial obligation, as being loosed from the first Adulterer, or else upon a purpose of continuing in the first relation: In the later case, it is still all one as if it had been done by them at once, and it is a forfeiture of any satisfaction: But in the former case, though the last adulterer did sin, yet being before set at liberty, it doth not renew the Matrimonial obligation: But yet, if the first offender desire the continuance of it, and the return of the first-injured party; shame and conscience of their own sin, will much rebuke them, if they plead that injury for continuance of the separation.
Quest. 13. But what if one do purposely commit adultery, to be separated from the other?
Answ. It is in the others power and choice, whether to be divorced and depart, or not, as they find the good or evil consequents preponderate.
Quest. 14. Doth not Infidelity dissolve the Relation or obligation; seeing there is no communion between light and darkness, a believer and an Infidel?
Answ. It maketh it unlawful for a Believer to marry an Infidel (except in case of true necessity); Because they can have no Communion in Religion. But it nullifieth not a marriage already made, nor maketh it lawful to depart or divorce: Because they may have mere conjugal Communion still. As the Apostle purposely determineth the case, in 1 Cor. 7.
Quest. 15. Doth not the Desertion of one party, disoblige the other?
Answ. 1. It must be considered what is true Desertion: 2. Whether it be a Desertion of th • Relation itself for continuance, or only a temporary desertion of co-habitation, or congress. 3. What the temper and state of the deserted party is. 1. It is sometimes easy, and sometimes hard to discern which is the deserting party. If the Wife go away from the Husband unwarrantably, though she require him to follow her, and say that she doth not desert him, yet it may be taken for a desertion, because it is the man who is to rule and choose the habitation. But if the man go away, and the woman refuse to follow him, it is not he that is therefore the deserter.
Quest. But what if the man have not sufficient cause to go away, and the woman hath great and urgent reasons not to go? As suppose that the man will go away in hatred of an able Preacher, and good company, and the woman if she follow him, must leave all those helps, and go among ignorant, profane, heretical persons, or Infidels, which is the deserter then?
Answ. If she be one that is either like to do good to the Infidels, Heretics, or bad persons whom they must converse with, she may suppose that God calleth her to receive good by doing good: or if she be a confirmed wellsetled Christian, and not very like, either by infection, or by want of helps, to be unsettled and miscarry, it seemeth to me the safest way to follow her Husband. She must lose indeed God's public Ordinances by following him: But it is not imputable to her, as being out of her choice: and she must lose the benefits, and neglect the duties of the Conjugal Ordinance, if she do not follow him. But if she be a person under such weaknesses, as make her remove apparently dangerous as to her perseverance and salvation, and her Husband will by no means be prevailed with to change his mind, the case then is very difficult what is her duty, and who is the deserter? Nay, if he did but lead her into a Country where her life were like to be taken away, (as under the Spanish Inquisition), unless her suffering were like to be as serviceable to Christ as her life. Indeed these cases are so difficult, that I will not decide them: The inconveniencies, (or mischiefs rather) are great which way soever she take: But I most incline to judge as followeth: viz. It is considerable first, what Marriage obligeth her to, simply of its own nature; and what it may do next, by any superadded Contract, or by the Law or Custom of the Land, or any other accident. As to the first, it seemeth to me, that every ones obligation is so much first to God, and then to their own souls and lives; that marriage as such, which is for Mutual help, as a Means to higher Ends, doth not oblige her to forsake all the Communion of Saints, and the place or Country where God is lawfully worshipped, and to lose all the helps of public Worship, and to expose her soul both to spiritual famine and infection, to the apparent hazard of her salvation (and perhaps bring her children into the same misery;) nor hath God given her Husband any power to do her so much wrong, nor is the Marriage-Covenant to be interpreted to intend it. But what any human Law or Contract, or other accident which is of greater public consequence, may do more than Marriage of itself, is a distinct Case, which must have a particular discussion.
Quest. But what if the Husband would only have her follow him, to the forsaking of her estate, and undoing herself and children in the world (as in the case of Galeacius Caracciolus Marquess of Vicum; ) yea, and if it were without just cause?
Answ. If it be for greater spiritual gain (as in his case) she is bound to follow him: But if it be apparently foolish, to the undoing of her and her children without any cause, I see not that Marriage simply obligeth a Woman so to follow a fool in beggary, or out of a Calling, or to her ruin: But if it be at all a controvertible Case, whether the Cause be just or not, then the Husband being Governor must be Judge. The Laws of the Land are supposed to be just, which allow a Woman by Trustees to secure some part of her former Estate from her Husbands disposal: Much more may she before hand secure herself and children from being ruined by his willful folly: But she can by no Contract, except herself from his true Government.
Yet still she must consider, whether she can live continently in his absence: otherwise the greatest sufferings must be endured, to avoid incontinency.
2. Moreover, in all these cases, a temporary removal may be further followed, than a perpetual transmigration, because it hath fewer evil consequents.
And if either party renounce the Relation itself, it is a fuller desertion, and clearer discharge of the other party, than a mere removal is.
Quest. 16. What if a Man or Wife know that the other in hatred doth really intend by poison or other murder, to take away their life? May they not depart?
Answ. They may not do it upon a groundless or rash surmise; nor upon a danger which by other lawful means may be avoided (As by Vigilancy, or the Magistrate, or especially by love and duty). But in plain danger, which is not otherwise like to be avoided, I doubt not, but it may be done and ought. For it is a duty to preserve our own lives as well as our neighbors: And when Marriage is contracted for mutual help, it is naturally implied, that they shall have no power to deprive one another of life: (However some barbarous Nations have given men power of the lives of their Wives.) And killing is the grossest kind of Desertion, and a greater injury and violation of the Marriage-Covenant than Adultery; and may be prevented by avoiding the murderers presence; if that way be necessary. None of the Ends of Marriage can be attained, where the hatred is so great.
Quest. 17. If there be but a fixed hatred of each other, is it inconsistent with the Ends of Marriage? And is parting lawful in such a case?
Answ. The injuring party is bound to Love and not to separate: and can have no liberty by his or her sin. And to say, I cannot love, or my Wife or Husband is not amiable, is no sufficient excuse: Because every person hath somewhat that is amiable, if it be but human nature: And that should have been foreseen before your choice. And as it is no excuse to a drunkard to say, I cannot leave my drink; so it is none to an adulterer or hater of another, to say, I cannot love them: For that is but to say, I am so wicked, that my heart or will is against my duty. But the innocent parties case is harder (though commonly both parties are faulty, and therefore both are obliged to return to Love, and not to separate.) But if hatred proceed not to adultery, or murder, or intolerable injuries, you must remember that Marriage is not a Contract for years, but for life, and that it is possible that hatred may be cured (how unlikely soever it may be): And therefore you must do your duty, and wait, and pray, and strive by Love and Goodness to recover Love, and then stay to see what God will do: For mistakes in your choice will not warrant a separation.
Quest. 18. What if a Woman have a Husband that will not suffer her to read the Scriptures, nor go to God's Worship public or private, or that so beateth or abuseth her, as that it cannot be expected that human nature should be in such a case kept fit for any holy action: or if a man have a Wife that will scold at him when he is praying or instructing his family, and make it impossible to him to serve God with freedom, or peace and comfort?
Answ. The Woman must (at necessary seasons, though not when she would) both read the Scriptures, and Worship God, and suffer patiently what is inflicted on her: Martyrdom may be as comfortably suffered from a Husband, as from a Prince. But yet if neither her own Love, and duty, and patience, nor friends persuasion, nor the Magistrates justice, can free her from such inhumane cruelty, as quite disableth her for her duty to God and man, I see not but she may depart from such a Tyrant. But the man hath more means to restrain his Wife from beating him, or doing such intolerable things: Either by the Magistrate, or by denying her what else she might have, or by his own violent restraining her, as belongeth to a Conjugal Ruler, and as circumstances shall direct a prudent man. But yet in case that unsuitableness or sin be so great, that after long trial, there is no likelihood of any other co-habitation, but what will tend to their spiritual hurt and calamity, it is their lesser sin to live asunder by mutual consent.
Quest. 19. May one part from a Husband or Wife that hath the Leprosy, or that hath the French Pox by their adulterous practices; when the innocent persons life is endangered by it.
Answ. If it be an innocent persons disease, the other must co-habit, and tenderly cherish and comfort the diseased; yea, so as somewhat to hazard their own lives; but not so as apparently to cast them away, upon a danger not like to be avoided, unless the others life, or some greater good be like to be purchased by it.
But if it be the Pox of an Adulterer, the innocent party is at liberty by the others adultery: and the saving of their own lives, doth add thereto. But without Adultery, the disease alone will not excuse them from co-habitation, though it may from Congress.
Quest. 20. Who be they that may or may not marry again when they are parted?
Answ. 1. They that are released by divorce upon the others Adultery, Sodomy, &c. may marry again. 2. The case of all the rest is harder. They that part by consent, to avoid mutual hurt, may not marry again: Nor the party that departeth for self-preservation, or for the preservation of estate, or children, or comforts, or for liberty of Worship, as aforesaid: Because it is but an intermission of Conjugal fruition, and not a total dissolution of the Relation: And the innocent party must wait to see whether there be any hope of a return. Yea, Christ seemeth to resolve it, Matth. 5. 31, 32. that he is an Adulterer that marrieth the innocent party that is put away: because the other living in adultery, their first contracted Relation seemeth to be still in being. But Grotius and some others think, that Christ meaneth this only of the man that over-hastily marrieth the innocent divorced Woman, before it be seen whether he will repent and reassume her: But how can that hold, if the Husband after Adultery free her? May it not therefore be meant, that the Woman must stay unmarried in hope of his reconciliation, till such time as his adultery with his next married Wife doth disoblige her. But then it must be taken as a Law for Christians: For the Jew that might have many Wives, disobligeth not one by taking another.
A short desertion must be endured in hope: But in case of a very long, or total desertion or rejection, if the injured party should have an untameable lust, the case is difficult. I think there are few but by just means may abstain. But if there be any that cannot (after all means) without such trouble as overthroweth their peace, and plainly hazardeth their continence, I dare not say that Marriage in that case is unlawful to the innocent.
Quest. 1. IS it lawful to suffer or tolerate, yea, or contribute to the matter of known sin in a family, ordinarily, in Wife, Child or Servant: And consequently in any other Relations.
Answ. In this some lukewarm men are apt to run into the extreme of Remissness; and some inexperienced young men, that never had families, into the extreme of censorious rigor, as not knowing what they talk of.
1. It is not Lawful either in Family, Commonwealth, Church, or anywhere, to allow of sin, nor to tolerate it, or leave it uncured, when it is truly in our power to cure it. 2. So that all the question is, When it is, or is not in our power? Concerning which, I shall answer by some instances.
I. It is not in our Power to do that which we are Naturally unable to do. No Law of God bindeth us to Impossibilities. And Natural Impotency here is found in these several cases. 1. When we are overmatcht in strength; when Wife, Children or Servants are too strong for the Master of the house, so that he cannot correct them, nor remove them. A King is not bound to punish rebellious or offending Subjects, when they are too strong for him, and he is unable; either by their Numbers or other advantages. If a Pastor censure an offender, and all the Church be against the censure, he cannot procure it executed, but must acquiesce in having done his part, and leave their guilt upon themselves.
2. When the thing to be done is an Impossibility; at least Moral. As to hinder all the persons of a Family, Church or Kingdom from ever sinning: It is not in their own power so far to reform themselves: Much less in a Ruler so far to reform them: Even as to ourselves, Perfection is but desired in this life, but not attained: Much less for others.
3. When the principal causes co-operate not with us, and we are but subservient Moral Causes: We can but persuade men to Repent, Believe, and Love God and goodness. We cannot save men without and against themselves. Their hearts are out of our reach: Therefore in all these cases we are naturally unable to hinder sin?
II. It is not in our power to do anything which God forbiddeth us. That which is sinful is to be accounted out of our power in this sense. To cure the sin of a Wife, by such cruelty or harshness as is contrary to our Conjugal Relation, and to the office of necessary Love, is out of our power, because forbidden, as contrary to our duty; and so of other.
III. Those actions are out of our power, which are acts of higher authority than we have. A subject cannot reform by such actions as are proper to the Sovereign, nor a Lay-man by actions proper to the Pastor, for want of Authority. So a Schoolmaster cannot do that which is proper to a Patient: Nor the Master of a family that which is proper to the Magistrate (as to punish with death, &c. )
IV. We have not power to do that which a Superior power forbiddeth us (unless it be that which God indisponsibly commandeth us) The Wife may not correct a Child or Servant, or turn him away, when the Husband forbiddeth it. Nor the Master of a family so punish a sin, as the King and Laws forbid on the account of the public interest.
V. We have not Power to do that for the cure of sin, which is like to do more hurt than good; yea, perhaps to prove a perni • ious mischief. If my correcting a servant, would make him kill me, or set my house on fire, I may not do it. If my sharp reproof is like to do more hurt, or less good than milder dealing. If I have reason to believe that correction will make a servant worse, I am not to use it; because we have our power to edification, and not to destruction. God hath not tied us just to speak such and such words, or to use this or that correction, but to use reproofs and corrections only in that time, measure and manner as true reason telleth us, is likest to attain their end. To do it i • it would do never so much hurt, with a fiat Iustitia etsi pereat Mundus, is to be Right • ous overmuch.
Yea, great and heinous sins may be endured in families sometimes, to avoid a greater hurt, and because there is no other means to cure them. For instance, A Wife may be guilty of notorious Pride, and of malignant d • riding the exercises of Religion, and of railing, lying, slandering, back-biting, covetousness, swearing, cursing, &c. and the Husband be necessitated to bear it; not so far as not to reprove it, but so far as not to correct her, much less cure her; Divines use to say, that it is unlawful for a man to beat his Wife. But the reason is not, that he wanteth Authority to do it: But, 1. Because he is by his relation obliged to a Life of Love with her; and therefore must so Rule, as tendeth not to destroy Love: And 2. Because it may often do otherwise more hurt to herself and the family than good. It may make her furious and desperate, and make her contemptible in the family, and diminish the reverence of inferiors, both to Wife and Husband, for living so uncomely a life.
Quest. But is there any case in which a man may silently bear the sins of a Wife, or other inferior without reproof, or urging them to amend?
Answ. Yes: In case, 1. That Reproof hath been tried to the utmost: 2. And it is most evident by full experience, that it is like to do a great deal more hurt than good.
The Rule given by Christ, extendeth as well to families, as to others; not to cast Pearls before Swine, nor to give that which is holy to dogs: because it is more to the discomposure of a man's own p • ace, to have a Wife turn again, and all to rend him, than a stranger. As the Church may cease admonishing a sinner after a certain time of obstinacy, when experience hath ended their present hopes of bringing the person to Repentance, and thereupon may excommunicate him: so a Husband may be brought to the same despair with a Wife, and may be disobliged from ordinary reproof, though the nearness of the Relation forbid him to eject her. And in such a case where the family and neighbourhood knoweth the intractableness and obstinacy of the Wife, it is no scandal, nor sign of approbation or neglect of duty, for a man to be silent at her sin; Because they look upon her as at present incorrigible by that means: And it is the sharpest Reproof to such a one, to be unreproved, and to be let alone in her sin; as it is God's greatest judgment on a sinner, to leave him to himself, and say, Be filthy still.
And there are some Women whose Phantasies and Passions are naturally so strong, as that it seemeth to me that in many cases they have not so much as Natural Free-will or power to restrain them: but if in all other cases they acted as in some, I should take them for mere Bruites that had no true reason: They seem naturally necessitated to do as they do. I have known the long professi • n of pi • ty, which in other respects hath seemed sincere, to consist in a Wife, with such unmastered furious passion, that she could not before strangers forbear throwing what was in her hand in her Husbands face, or thrusting the burning Candle into his face; and slandering him of the filthiest sins; and when the passion was over, confess all to be false, and her rage to be the reason of her speech and actions: And the man though a Minister, of more than ordinary wit and strength, yet fain to endure all without returns of violence till her death. They that never knew such a case by trial, can tell how all might be cured easily: but so cannot they that are put upon the Cure.
And there are some other women of the same uncurable strength of Imagination and Passion, who in other respects are very pious and prudent too, and too wise and conscionable to wrong their Husbands with their hands or tongues, who yet are utterly unable to forbear an injury of the highest nature to themselves; but are so utterly impatient of being crossed of their wills, that it would in all likelihood cast them into Melancholy or Madness, or some mortal sickness: And no reason signifieth anything to abate such passions. In case of Pride, or some sinful custom, they are not able to bear reproof, and to be hindered in the sin, without apparent danger of distraction or death. I suppose th • se cases are but few: but what to do in such cases when they come, is the present question.
Nay, the Question is yet harder, Whether to avoid such inconvenience, one may contribute towards another's sin, by affording them the means of committing it?
Answ. 1. No man may contribute to sin as sin, formally considered. 2. No man may contribute to another's sin, for sinful ends, nor in a manner forbidden and sinful in himself. 3. No man may contribute to another's sin, when he is not naturally or morally necessitated to it, but might forbear it.
But as it is consistent with the holiness of God to contribute those Natural and providential mercies, which he knoweth men will abuse to sin, so is it in some cases with us his creatures to one another. God giveth all men their lives and time, their Reason and Free-will, which he knoweth they will abuse to sin: He giveth them that meat, and drink, and riches, and health, and vigor of senses, which are the usual means of the sin and undoing of the world.
Object. But God is not under any Law or obligation as we are.
Answ. His own perfection is above all Law, and will not consist with a consent or acting of anything that is contrary to holiness and perfection. But this I confess, that many things are contrary to the order and duty of the creature, which are not contrary to the place and perfection of the Creator.
1. When man doth generate man, he knowingly contributeth to a sinful nature and life: For he knoweth that it is unavoidable, and that which is born of the flesh is flesh. And yet he sinneth not by so doing, because he is not bound to prevent sin by the forbearance of Generation.
2. When one advanceth another to the office of Magistracy, Ministry, &c. knowing that he will sin in it, he contributeth accidentally to his sin: But so as he is not culpable for so doing.
3. A Physician hath to do with a froward and intemperate Patient, who will please his appetite, or else if he be denied his passion will increase his disease and kill him. In this case he may lawfully say, Let him take a little, rather than kill him; though by so doing he contribute to his sin. Because it is but a not-hindering that which he cannot hinder without a greater evil. The sin is only his that chooseth it.
And it is specially to be noted, that that which Physically is a positive act and contributing to the Matter of the sin, yet Morally is but a not-hindering the sin by such a withholding of materials as we are not obliged to withhold (which is the case also of God's contributing to the matter of sin). If the Physician in such a case, or the Parent of a sick and froward Child, do actually give them that which they sin in desiring, that Giving is indeed such a furthering of the sin as cannot be lawfully forborne lest we do hurt, and therefore is morally but a not hindering it, when we cannot hinder it.
4. If a man have a Wife so proud that she will go mad, or disturb him and his family by rage, if her pride be not gratified by some sinful fashions, curiosities or excesses, if he give her money or materials to do it with, to prevent her distraction, it is but like the foresaid case, of the Physician or Parents of a sick Child.
In these cases I will give you a Rule to walk by for yourselves, and a caution how to judge of others.
1. Be sure that you leave nothing undone that you can lawfully do, for the cure and prevention of others sins; And that it be not for want of zeal against sin, through indifference or slothfulness, that you forbear to hinder it, but merely through disability. 2. See that in comparing the evil that is like to follow the Impedition, you do not mistake, but be sure that it be indeed a greater evil which you avoid by not hindering that particular sin. 3. See therefore that your own caanal interest weigh not with you more than there is cause; and that you account not mere fleshly suffering a greater evil than sin. 4. But yet that dishonor which may be cast upon Religion, and the Good of souls which may be hindered by a bodily suffering, may come into the comparison. 5. And your own duties to men's bodies (as to save men's lives or health or peace) is to be numbered with spiritual things, and the materials of a sin may in some cases be administered for the discharge of such a duty. If you knew a man would die if you give him not hot water, and he will be drunk if you do give it him, In this case, you do but your duty, and he commits the sin: You do that which is good and are not bound to forbear it, because he will turn it to sin, unless you see that the hurt by that sin is like to be so great (besides the sin itself) as to discharge you from the duty of doing good.
2. As to others, 1. Put them on to their duty and spare not. 2. But censure them not for the sins of their families, till you are acquainted with all the case. It's usual with rash and carnal censurers, to cry out of some godly Ministers or Gentlemen, that their Wives are as proud, and their Children and Servants as bad as others. But are you sure that it is in their power to remedy it? Malice and rashness judge at a distance of things which men understand not, and sin in speaking against sin.
Quest. 2. IF a Gentleman, e. g. of 500. or 1000. or 2000. or 3000. li. per annum, could spare honestly half his yearly rents, for his Children and for charitable uses, and his wife be so proud and prodigal that she will waste it all in house-keeping and excesses, and will rage, be unquiet or go mad if she be hindered, what is a man's duty in such a case?
Answ. It is but an instance of the fore-mentioned case, and must thence be answered. 1. It is supposed that she is uncurable by all wise and rational means of persuasion. 2. He is wisely to compare the greatness of the cvil that will come by crossing her, with the good th •• may come by the improvement of his estate, and the forbearance of those excesses. If her rage or distraction or unquietness were like by any accident to do more hurt, than his estate may do good, he might take himself disabled from hindering the sin: And though he give her the money which she mis-spendeth, it is not sinning, but only not hindering sin when he is unable. 3. Ordinarily some small or tolerable degree of sinful waste and excess may be tolerated to avoid such mischiefs as else would follow: but not too much. And though no just measure can be assigned, at what rate a man may lawfully purchase his own peace, and consequently his liberty to serve God, or at what rate he may save his Wife from madness, or some mortal mischiefs of her discontent, yet the case must be resolved by such considerations; And a prudent man that knoweth what is like to be the consequent on both sides may and must accordingly determine it. 4. But ordinarily the life, health or preservation of so proud, luxurious, and passionate a woman, is not worth the saving at so dear a rate, as the wasting of a considerable estate, which might be used to relieve a multitude of the poor, and perhaps to save the lives of many that are worthier to live. And, 1. A man's duty to relieve the poor and provide for his family is so great. 2. And the account that all men must give of the use of their Talents is so strict, that it must be a great reason indeed, that must allow him to give way to very great wastefulness. And unless there be somewhat extraordinary in the case, it were better deal with such a Woman as a Bedlam, and if she will be mad, to use her as the mad are used, than for a steward of God to suffer the Devil to be served with his masters goods.
Lastly, I must charge the Reader to remember, that both these cases are very rare; and it is but few Women that are so liable to so great mischiefs, which may not be prevented at cheaper rates; And therefore that the Indulgence given in these decisions, is nothing to the greater part of men, nor is to be extended to ordinary Cases. But commonly men everywhere sin by omission of a stricter Government of their families, and by Eli's sinful indulgence and remissness: And though a Wife must be Governed as a Wife, and a Child as a Child, yet all must be governed as well as servants. And though it may be truly said, that a man cannot hinder that sin, which he cannot hinder but by sin, or by contributing to a greater hurt, yet it is to be concluded, that every man is bound to hinder sin whenever he is able lawfully to hinder it.
And by the same measures Tolerations, or not-hindering Errors and sins about Religion in Church and Common-wealth is to be judged of: None must commit them or approve them; nor forbear any duty of their own to cure them: But that is not a duty which is destructive, which would be a duty when it were a means of edifying.
Cases about Divorce and Separation.
Quest. 1. IS it lawful for Husband and Wife to be long absent from each other? and how long, and in what Cases?
Answ. It is lawful to be absent either in the case of prayer which Paul mentioneth, or in case of the needful affairs of their estates, so long as may be no danger to either of them as to mental or corporal incontinency, nor to any other hurt which will be greater than the benefits of their absence; nor cause them to be guilty of the neglect of any real duty. Therefore the cases of several persons do much differ according to the different tempers of their minds, and bodies, and affairs. He that hath a Wife of a chaste, contented, prudent temper, may stay many months or years in some cases, when all things considered, it tendeth to more good than hurt. As Lawyers by their Callings are often necessitated to follow their Callings at Terms and Assizes. And Merchants may be some years absent in some weighty cases. But if you ask, Whether the getting of money be a sufficient cause? I answer, that it is sufficient to those whose families must be so maintained, and their Wives are easily continent, and so the good of their gain is greater than any loss or danger that cometh by it. But when Covetousness puts them upon it needlessly, and their Wives cannot bear it, or in any case, when the hurt that is like to follow, is greater than the good, it is unlawful.
Quest. 2. May Husband and Wife be separated by the bare command of Princes? If they make a Law that in certain cases they shall part: As suppose it to Ministers, Judges or Soldiers?
Answ. You must distinguish between the bare Command or Law, and the Reasons and Ends of that Command: and so between a Lawful Command and an Unlawful. In some Cases a Prince may justly command a separation for a time, or such as is like to prove for perpetuity, and in some cases he may not. If a King command a separation without sufficient cause, so that you have no Motive but his Authority, and the question is, Whether formally you are bound to obedience; I answer, No: Because what God hath joined, no man hath power to pu • asunder. Nor can either Prince, Pope or Prelate dispe • se with your Marriage Covenant: In such a case, it is as a Private act, because God hath given them no authority for it: and therefore their Commands or Laws are Nullities 〈◊〉 Only if a Prince say, He that will be a Judge or a Justice shall part with his Wife, it is lawful to leave the Office, and so obey the Law. But if he say to all Ministers of the Gospel, you shall forsake your Wives or your Ministry, they should do neither, because they are Divinely obliged to both, and he hath no power to forbid them, or to dispense with that obligation.
But it may fall out, that the Ends of the Command may be so great as to make it Lawful, and then it must be obeyed both formally for the authority of the Prince, and finally for the reasons of the thing. As if the safety of the Commonwealth should require, that Married persons be Soldiers, and that they go far off; yea, though there be no likelihood of returning to their families, and withal they cannot take their Wives with them, without detriment or danger to their service: In this case men must obey the Magistrate, and are called by God to forsake their Wives, as if it were by death. Nor is it any violation of their Marriage Covenant, because that was intended or meant to suppose the Exception of any such Call of God, which cannot be resisted when it will make a separation.
Quest. 3. May Ministers leave their Wives to go abroad to preach the Gospel?
Answ. If they can neither do God's work as well at home, nor yet take their Wives with them, nor be excused from doing that part of service, by other men's doing it, who have no such impediment: they may and must leave their Wives to do it. In this case, the interest of the Church, and of the souls of many, must over-rule the interest of Wife and Family. Those Pastors who have fixed stations, must neither leave flock or family, without necessity, or a clear call from God. But in several Cases a Preacher may be necessitated to go abroad: As in case of persecution at home, or of some necessity of foreign or remote parts, which cannot be otherwise supplied: Or when some door is opened for the Conversion of Infidels, Heretics; or Idolaters, and none else so fit to do that work▪ or none that will. In any such case, when the cause of God in any part of the world consideratis considerandis doth require his help, a Minister must leave Wife and Family, yea, and a particular flock to do it. For our obligations are greatest to the Catholic Church, and public good; and the greatest good must be preferred. If a King command a Subject to be an Embassador in the remotest part of the world, and the public good withal requireth it, if Wife and Children cannot be taken with him, they must be left behind, and he must go. So must a consecrated Minister of Christ for the service of the Church, refuse all entanglements which would more hinder his work, than the contrary benefits will countervail. And this exception also was supposed in the Marriage contract, that family interests and comforts must give way to the public interest, and to God's disposals.
And therefore it is that Ministers should not rashly venture upon Marriage, nor any woman that is wi • e, venture to marry a Minister, till she is first well prepared for such accidents as may separate them, for a shorter or a longer time.
Quest. 4. May one leave a Wife to save his life, in case of personal persecution or danger?
Answ. Yes, i • she cannot be taken with him: For the means which are for the Helps of Life, do suppose the preservation of Life itself: If he live, he may further serve God, and possibly return to his Wife and family. But if he die, he is removed from them all.
Quest. 5. May Husband and Wife part by mutual Consent, if they find it to be for the good of both?
Answ. If you speak not of a dissolving the bond of their Relations, but withdrawing as to cohabitation: I answer, 1. It is not to be done upon passions and discontents, to feed and gratify each others vicious distempers or interest: For then both the Consent and the separation are their sins. But if really such an uncurable unsuitableness be between them, as that their lives must needs be miserable by their co-habitation, I know not but they may live asunder; so be it, that (after all other means used in vain) they do it by deliberate free consent. But if one of them should by craft or cruelty constrain the other to consent, it is unlawful to the constrainer. Nor must impatience make either of them ungroundedly despair of the cure of any unsuitableness which is really curable. But many sad instances might be given, in which co-habitation may be a constant calamity to both, and distance may be their relief, and further them both in God's service, and in their corporal concernments. Yet I say not, that this is no sin: For their unsuitableness is their sin: And God still obligeth them to lay down that sin which maketh them unsuitable; and therefore doth not allow them to live asunder, it being still their duty, to live together in Love and peace; And saying they cannot, •••• th them not from the duty. But yet that moral Impotency may make such a separation as aforesaid, to be a Lesser sin than their unpeaceable co-habitation.
Quest. 6. May not the Relation itself be dissolved by mutual free consent, so that they may marry others?
Answ. As to the Relation, they will still be Related as those that did Covenant to live in conjugal society, and are still allowed it and obliged to it, if the Impediments were but removed: And it is but the exercise which is hindered. And they may not Consent to marry others: 1. Because the contracted Relation was for Life, Rom. 7. 2. and God's Law accordingly obligeth them. Marriages pro tempore, dissoluble by consent, are not of God's institution, but contrary to it. 2. They know not but their Impediments of co-habitation may be removed. 3. If he that marrieth an innocent divorced woman commit adultery, by parity of reason (with advantage) it will be so here. If you say, what if either of them cannot contain? I answer, He that will not take heed before, must be patient afterwards, and not make advantage of his own folly, to the fulfilling of his lusts. If he will what he ought to do in the use of all means, he may live chastely. And 4. The public interest must overrule the private, and that which would be unjust in private respects, may for public good become a duty: It seemeth unjust here with us, that the innocent Country should repay every man his money, who between Sun and Sun is robbed on the Road: And yet because it will engage the Country to watchfulness, it is just as for the common good: And he that consenteth to be a member of a Commonwealth, doth thereby consent to submit his own right to the common interest So here; If all should have leave to marry others when they consent to part, it would bring utter confusion, and it would encourage wicked men, to abuse their Wives, till they forced them to consent. Therefore some must bear the trouble which their folly hath brought on themselves, rather than the common order should be confounded.
Quest. 7. Doth Adultery dissolve the bond of Marriage, or not? Ames saith, it doth. And Mr. Whateley having said so, afterward recanted it by the persuasion of other Divines.
Answ. The difference is only about the Name and not about the Matter itself. The Reason which moved Dr. Ames is, Because the injured person is free; therefore not bound: therefore the bond is dissolved: The reason which Mr. Whateley could not answer is, Because it is not fornication, but lawful, if they continue their conjugal familiarity after adultery: therefore that bond is not dissolved. In all which it is easy to perceive, that one of them taketh the word Vinculum or Bond in one sense, that is, [For their Covenant-obligation to continue their Relation and mutual duties.] And the other taketh it in another sense, that is, [For the Relation itself as by it they are allowed conjugal familiarity, if the injured person will continue it.] The first Vinculum or Bond is dissolved, the second is not. In the Matter we are agreed, that the injured man may put away an adulterous Wife (in a regular way) if he please; but withal that he may continue the Relation if he please. So that his continued Consent shall suffice to continue it a lawful Relation and exercise; and his Will on the contrary shall suffice to dissolve the Relation, and disoblige him. (Saving the public order.)
Quest. 8. But is not the injured party at all obliged to separate, but left free?
Answ. Considering the thing simply in itself, he is wholly free to do as he please. But for all that Accidents or Circumstances may make it one man's duty to divorce, and another's duty to continue the Relation; according as it is like to do more good or hurt. Sometimes it may be a duty to expose the sin to public shame, for the prevention of it in others; and also to deliver ones self from a calamity. And sometimes there may be so great repentance, and hope of better effects by forgiving, that it may be a duty to forgive: And prudence must lay one thing with another, to discern on which side the duty lieth.
Quest. 9. Is it only the privilege of the Man, that he may put away an adulterous Wife? or also of the Woman, to depart from an adulterous Husband? The reason of the doubt is, because Christ mentioneth the man's power only, Matth. 5. & 19.
Answ. 1. The reason why Christ speaketh only of the man's case, is, because he was occasioned only to restrain the vicious custom of men's causeless putting away their Wives; having no occasion to restrain Women from leaving their Husbands. Men having the Rule did abuse it to the Womens injury; which Christ forbiddeth. And as it is an act of power, it concerneth the man alone: But as it is an act of Liberty, it seemeth to me to be supposed, that the Woman hath the same freedom: Seeing the Covenant is violated to her wrong. And the Apostle in 1 Cor. 7. doth make the Case of the Man and of the Woman to be equal in the point of Infidelity and desertion. I confess that it is unsafe extending the sense of Scripture beyond the importance of the words upon pretence of a parity of reason (as many of the Perjured do by Levite. 30. in case of Vows:) Lest man's deceitful wit should make a Law to itself as Divine, upon pretence of interpreting God's Laws: But yet when the plain Text doth speak but of one case (that is, of Men's putting away their Wives ), he that will thence gather an exclusion of the Woman's liberty, doth seem by addition to be the corrupter of the Law. And where the Context plainly showeth a Parity of reason, and that reason is made the ground of the determination in the Text, there it is safe to expound the Law extensively accordingly. Surely the Covenant of Marriage hath its Conditions on both parts: and some of those Conditions are necessary to the very being of the Obligations, though others are but needful to the well-being of the parties in that state. And therefore though Putting away be only the part of the Husband, as being the Ruler, and usually the Owner of the habitation, yet Departing may be the Liberty of the Wife. And I know no reason to blame those Countries, whose Laws allow the Wife to Sue out a divorce, as well as the Husband.
Quest. 10. May the Husband put away the Wife without the Magistrate, or the Wife depart from the Husband without a public legal divorce or license?
Answ. Where the Laws of the Land do take care for the prevention of injuries, and make any determination in the case (not contrary to the Law of God,) there it is a Christians duty to obey those Laws: Therefore if you live under a Law which forbiddeth any Putting away or Departing, without public sentence or allowance, you may not do it privately upon your own will. For the Civil Governors are to provide against the private injuries of any of the Subjects. And if persons might put away or depart at pleasure, it would introduce both injury and much wickedness into the world. But where the Laws of men do leave persons to their liberty in this case, they need then to look no further than to the Laws of God alone. But usually the sentence of the Civil power, is necessary only in case of appeal, or complaint of the party injured: and a separation may be made without such a public divorce, so that each party may make use of the Magistrate to right themselves if wronged. As if the Adultery be not openly known, and the injuring party desire rather to be put away privily than publicly (as Joseph purposed to do by Mary ) I see not but it is lawful so to do, in case that the Law, or the necessity of making the offender an Example require not the contrary, nor scandal or other accidents forbid it not. See Grotius 's learned Notes on Matth. 5. 31, 32. and on Matth. 19. and 1 Cor. 7. about these questions.
Quest. 11. Is not the case of Sodomy or Buggery a ground for warrantable divorce, as well as Adultery?
Answ. Yes, and seemeth to be included in the very word itself in the Text, Matth. 5. 31, 32. which signifieth uncleanness: or at least is fully implied in the reason of it. See Grotius ibid. also of this.
Quest. 12. What if both parties commit Adultery? may either of them put away the other, or depart; or rather must they forgive each other?
Answ. If they do it both at once, they do both forfeit the liberty of seeking any compensation for the injury; because the injury is equal (however some would give the advantage to the man): But if one commit Adultery first and the other after: Then either the last offender knew of the first or not? If not, then it seemeth all one as if it had been done at once. But if, yea, then they did it either on a supposition of the dissolution of the matrimonial obligation, as being loosed from the first Adulterer, or else upon a purpose of continuing in the first relation: In the later case, it is still all one as if it had been done by them at once, and it is a forfeiture of any satisfaction: But in the former case, though the last adulterer did sin, yet being before set at liberty, it doth not renew the Matrimonial obligation: But yet, if the first offender desire the continuance of it, and the return of the first-injured party; shame and conscience of their own sin, will much rebuke them, if they plead that injury for continuance of the separation.
Quest. 13. But what if one do purposely commit adultery, to be separated from the other?
Answ. It is in the others power and choice, whether to be divorced and depart, or not, as they find the good or evil consequents preponderate.
Quest. 14. Doth not Infidelity dissolve the Relation or obligation; seeing there is no communion between light and darkness, a believer and an Infidel?
Answ. It maketh it unlawful for a Believer to marry an Infidel (except in case of true necessity); Because they can have no Communion in Religion. But it nullifieth not a marriage already made, nor maketh it lawful to depart or divorce: Because they may have mere conjugal Communion still. As the Apostle purposely determineth the case, in 1 Cor. 7.
Quest. 15. Doth not the Desertion of one party, disoblige the other?
Answ. 1. It must be considered what is true Desertion: 2. Whether it be a Desertion of th • Relation itself for continuance, or only a temporary desertion of co-habitation, or congress. 3. What the temper and state of the deserted party is. 1. It is sometimes easy, and sometimes hard to discern which is the deserting party. If the Wife go away from the Husband unwarrantably, though she require him to follow her, and say that she doth not desert him, yet it may be taken for a desertion, because it is the man who is to rule and choose the habitation. But if the man go away, and the woman refuse to follow him, it is not he that is therefore the deserter.
Quest. But what if the man have not sufficient cause to go away, and the woman hath great and urgent reasons not to go? As suppose that the man will go away in hatred of an able Preacher, and good company, and the woman if she follow him, must leave all those helps, and go among ignorant, profane, heretical persons, or Infidels, which is the deserter then?
Answ. If she be one that is either like to do good to the Infidels, Heretics, or bad persons whom they must converse with, she may suppose that God calleth her to receive good by doing good: or if she be a confirmed wellsetled Christian, and not very like, either by infection, or by want of helps, to be unsettled and miscarry, it seemeth to me the safest way to follow her Husband. She must lose indeed God's public Ordinances by following him: But it is not imputable to her, as being out of her choice: and she must lose the benefits, and neglect the duties of the Conjugal Ordinance, if she do not follow him. But if she be a person under such weaknesses, as make her remove apparently dangerous as to her perseverance and salvation, and her Husband will by no means be prevailed with to change his mind, the case then is very difficult what is her duty, and who is the deserter? Nay, if he did but lead her into a Country where her life were like to be taken away, (as under the Spanish Inquisition), unless her suffering were like to be as serviceable to Christ as her life. Indeed these cases are so difficult, that I will not decide them: The inconveniencies, (or mischiefs rather) are great which way soever she take: But I most incline to judge as followeth: viz. It is considerable first, what Marriage obligeth her to, simply of its own nature; and what it may do next, by any superadded Contract, or by the Law or Custom of the Land, or any other accident. As to the first, it seemeth to me, that every ones obligation is so much first to God, and then to their own souls and lives; that marriage as such, which is for Mutual help, as a Means to higher Ends, doth not oblige her to forsake all the Communion of Saints, and the place or Country where God is lawfully worshipped, and to lose all the helps of public Worship, and to expose her soul both to spiritual famine and infection, to the apparent hazard of her salvation (and perhaps bring her children into the same misery;) nor hath God given her Husband any power to do her so much wrong, nor is the Marriage-Covenant to be interpreted to intend it. But what any human Law or Contract, or other accident which is of greater public consequence, may do more than Marriage of itself, is a distinct Case, which must have a particular discussion.
Quest. But what if the Husband would only have her follow him, to the forsaking of her estate, and undoing herself and children in the world (as in the case of Galeacius Caracciolus Marquess of Vicum; ) yea, and if it were without just cause?
Answ. If it be for greater spiritual gain (as in his case) she is bound to follow him: But if it be apparently foolish, to the undoing of her and her children without any cause, I see not that Marriage simply obligeth a Woman so to follow a fool in beggary, or out of a Calling, or to her ruin: But if it be at all a controvertible Case, whether the Cause be just or not, then the Husband being Governor must be Judge. The Laws of the Land are supposed to be just, which allow a Woman by Trustees to secure some part of her former Estate from her Husbands disposal: Much more may she before hand secure herself and children from being ruined by his willful folly: But she can by no Contract, except herself from his true Government.
Yet still she must consider, whether she can live continently in his absence: otherwise the greatest sufferings must be endured, to avoid incontinency.
2. Moreover, in all these cases, a temporary removal may be further followed, than a perpetual transmigration, because it hath fewer evil consequents.
And if either party renounce the Relation itself, it is a fuller desertion, and clearer discharge of the other party, than a mere removal is.
Quest. 16. What if a Man or Wife know that the other in hatred doth really intend by poison or other murder, to take away their life? May they not depart?
Answ. They may not do it upon a groundless or rash surmise; nor upon a danger which by other lawful means may be avoided (As by Vigilancy, or the Magistrate, or especially by love and duty). But in plain danger, which is not otherwise like to be avoided, I doubt not, but it may be done and ought. For it is a duty to preserve our own lives as well as our neighbors: And when Marriage is contracted for mutual help, it is naturally implied, that they shall have no power to deprive one another of life: (However some barbarous Nations have given men power of the lives of their Wives.) And killing is the grossest kind of Desertion, and a greater injury and violation of the Marriage-Covenant than Adultery; and may be prevented by avoiding the murderers presence; if that way be necessary. None of the Ends of Marriage can be attained, where the hatred is so great.
Quest. 17. If there be but a fixed hatred of each other, is it inconsistent with the Ends of Marriage? And is parting lawful in such a case?
Answ. The injuring party is bound to Love and not to separate: and can have no liberty by his or her sin. And to say, I cannot love, or my Wife or Husband is not amiable, is no sufficient excuse: Because every person hath somewhat that is amiable, if it be but human nature: And that should have been foreseen before your choice. And as it is no excuse to a drunkard to say, I cannot leave my drink; so it is none to an adulterer or hater of another, to say, I cannot love them: For that is but to say, I am so wicked, that my heart or will is against my duty. But the innocent parties case is harder (though commonly both parties are faulty, and therefore both are obliged to return to Love, and not to separate.) But if hatred proceed not to adultery, or murder, or intolerable injuries, you must remember that Marriage is not a Contract for years, but for life, and that it is possible that hatred may be cured (how unlikely soever it may be): And therefore you must do your duty, and wait, and pray, and strive by Love and Goodness to recover Love, and then stay to see what God will do: For mistakes in your choice will not warrant a separation.
Quest. 18. What if a Woman have a Husband that will not suffer her to read the Scriptures, nor go to God's Worship public or private, or that so beateth or abuseth her, as that it cannot be expected that human nature should be in such a case kept fit for any holy action: or if a man have a Wife that will scold at him when he is praying or instructing his family, and make it impossible to him to serve God with freedom, or peace and comfort?
Answ. The Woman must (at necessary seasons, though not when she would) both read the Scriptures, and Worship God, and suffer patiently what is inflicted on her: Martyrdom may be as comfortably suffered from a Husband, as from a Prince. But yet if neither her own Love, and duty, and patience, nor friends persuasion, nor the Magistrates justice, can free her from such inhumane cruelty, as quite disableth her for her duty to God and man, I see not but she may depart from such a Tyrant. But the man hath more means to restrain his Wife from beating him, or doing such intolerable things: Either by the Magistrate, or by denying her what else she might have, or by his own violent restraining her, as belongeth to a Conjugal Ruler, and as circumstances shall direct a prudent man. But yet in case that unsuitableness or sin be so great, that after long trial, there is no likelihood of any other co-habitation, but what will tend to their spiritual hurt and calamity, it is their lesser sin to live asunder by mutual consent.
Quest. 19. May one part from a Husband or Wife that hath the Leprosy, or that hath the French Pox by their adulterous practices; when the innocent persons life is endangered by it.
Answ. If it be an innocent persons disease, the other must co-habit, and tenderly cherish and comfort the diseased; yea, so as somewhat to hazard their own lives; but not so as apparently to cast them away, upon a danger not like to be avoided, unless the others life, or some greater good be like to be purchased by it.
But if it be the Pox of an Adulterer, the innocent party is at liberty by the others adultery: and the saving of their own lives, doth add thereto. But without Adultery, the disease alone will not excuse them from co-habitation, though it may from Congress.
Quest. 20. Who be they that may or may not marry again when they are parted?
Answ. 1. They that are released by divorce upon the others Adultery, Sodomy, &c. may marry again. 2. The case of all the rest is harder. They that part by consent, to avoid mutual hurt, may not marry again: Nor the party that departeth for self-preservation, or for the preservation of estate, or children, or comforts, or for liberty of Worship, as aforesaid: Because it is but an intermission of Conjugal fruition, and not a total dissolution of the Relation: And the innocent party must wait to see whether there be any hope of a return. Yea, Christ seemeth to resolve it, Matth. 5. 31, 32. that he is an Adulterer that marrieth the innocent party that is put away: because the other living in adultery, their first contracted Relation seemeth to be still in being. But Grotius and some others think, that Christ meaneth this only of the man that over-hastily marrieth the innocent divorced Woman, before it be seen whether he will repent and reassume her: But how can that hold, if the Husband after Adultery free her? May it not therefore be meant, that the Woman must stay unmarried in hope of his reconciliation, till such time as his adultery with his next married Wife doth disoblige her. But then it must be taken as a Law for Christians: For the Jew that might have many Wives, disobligeth not one by taking another.
A short desertion must be endured in hope: But in case of a very long, or total desertion or rejection, if the injured party should have an untameable lust, the case is difficult. I think there are few but by just means may abstain. But if there be any that cannot (after all means) without such trouble as overthroweth their peace, and plainly hazardeth their continence, I dare not say that Marriage in that case is unlawful to the innocent.
Quest. 1. IS it lawful to suffer or tolerate, yea, or contribute to the matter of known sin in a family, ordinarily, in Wife, Child or Servant: And consequently in any other Relations.
Answ. In this some lukewarm men are apt to run into the extreme of Remissness; and some inexperienced young men, that never had families, into the extreme of censorious rigor, as not knowing what they talk of.
1. It is not Lawful either in Family, Commonwealth, Church, or anywhere, to allow of sin, nor to tolerate it, or leave it uncured, when it is truly in our power to cure it. 2. So that all the question is, When it is, or is not in our power? Concerning which, I shall answer by some instances.
I. It is not in our Power to do that which we are Naturally unable to do. No Law of God bindeth us to Impossibilities. And Natural Impotency here is found in these several cases. 1. When we are overmatcht in strength; when Wife, Children or Servants are too strong for the Master of the house, so that he cannot correct them, nor remove them. A King is not bound to punish rebellious or offending Subjects, when they are too strong for him, and he is unable; either by their Numbers or other advantages. If a Pastor censure an offender, and all the Church be against the censure, he cannot procure it executed, but must acquiesce in having done his part, and leave their guilt upon themselves.
2. When the thing to be done is an Impossibility; at least Moral. As to hinder all the persons of a Family, Church or Kingdom from ever sinning: It is not in their own power so far to reform themselves: Much less in a Ruler so far to reform them: Even as to ourselves, Perfection is but desired in this life, but not attained: Much less for others.
3. When the principal causes co-operate not with us, and we are but subservient Moral Causes: We can but persuade men to Repent, Believe, and Love God and goodness. We cannot save men without and against themselves. Their hearts are out of our reach: Therefore in all these cases we are naturally unable to hinder sin?
II. It is not in our power to do anything which God forbiddeth us. That which is sinful is to be accounted out of our power in this sense. To cure the sin of a Wife, by such cruelty or harshness as is contrary to our Conjugal Relation, and to the office of necessary Love, is out of our power, because forbidden, as contrary to our duty; and so of other.
III. Those actions are out of our power, which are acts of higher authority than we have. A subject cannot reform by such actions as are proper to the Sovereign, nor a Lay-man by actions proper to the Pastor, for want of Authority. So a Schoolmaster cannot do that which is proper to a Patient: Nor the Master of a family that which is proper to the Magistrate (as to punish with death, &c. )
IV. We have not power to do that which a Superior power forbiddeth us (unless it be that which God indisponsibly commandeth us) The Wife may not correct a Child or Servant, or turn him away, when the Husband forbiddeth it. Nor the Master of a family so punish a sin, as the King and Laws forbid on the account of the public interest.
V. We have not Power to do that for the cure of sin, which is like to do more hurt than good; yea, perhaps to prove a perni • ious mischief. If my correcting a servant, would make him kill me, or set my house on fire, I may not do it. If my sharp reproof is like to do more hurt, or less good than milder dealing. If I have reason to believe that correction will make a servant worse, I am not to use it; because we have our power to edification, and not to destruction. God hath not tied us just to speak such and such words, or to use this or that correction, but to use reproofs and corrections only in that time, measure and manner as true reason telleth us, is likest to attain their end. To do it i • it would do never so much hurt, with a fiat Iustitia etsi pereat Mundus, is to be Right • ous overmuch.
Yea, great and heinous sins may be endured in families sometimes, to avoid a greater hurt, and because there is no other means to cure them. For instance, A Wife may be guilty of notorious Pride, and of malignant d • riding the exercises of Religion, and of railing, lying, slandering, back-biting, covetousness, swearing, cursing, &c. and the Husband be necessitated to bear it; not so far as not to reprove it, but so far as not to correct her, much less cure her; Divines use to say, that it is unlawful for a man to beat his Wife. But the reason is not, that he wanteth Authority to do it: But, 1. Because he is by his relation obliged to a Life of Love with her; and therefore must so Rule, as tendeth not to destroy Love: And 2. Because it may often do otherwise more hurt to herself and the family than good. It may make her furious and desperate, and make her contemptible in the family, and diminish the reverence of inferiors, both to Wife and Husband, for living so uncomely a life.
Quest. But is there any case in which a man may silently bear the sins of a Wife, or other inferior without reproof, or urging them to amend?
Answ. Yes: In case, 1. That Reproof hath been tried to the utmost: 2. And it is most evident by full experience, that it is like to do a great deal more hurt than good.
The Rule given by Christ, extendeth as well to families, as to others; not to cast Pearls before Swine, nor to give that which is holy to dogs: because it is more to the discomposure of a man's own p • ace, to have a Wife turn again, and all to rend him, than a stranger. As the Church may cease admonishing a sinner after a certain time of obstinacy, when experience hath ended their present hopes of bringing the person to Repentance, and thereupon may excommunicate him: so a Husband may be brought to the same despair with a Wife, and may be disobliged from ordinary reproof, though the nearness of the Relation forbid him to eject her. And in such a case where the family and neighbourhood knoweth the intractableness and obstinacy of the Wife, it is no scandal, nor sign of approbation or neglect of duty, for a man to be silent at her sin; Because they look upon her as at present incorrigible by that means: And it is the sharpest Reproof to such a one, to be unreproved, and to be let alone in her sin; as it is God's greatest judgment on a sinner, to leave him to himself, and say, Be filthy still.
And there are some Women whose Phantasies and Passions are naturally so strong, as that it seemeth to me that in many cases they have not so much as Natural Free-will or power to restrain them: but if in all other cases they acted as in some, I should take them for mere Bruites that had no true reason: They seem naturally necessitated to do as they do. I have known the long professi • n of pi • ty, which in other respects hath seemed sincere, to consist in a Wife, with such unmastered furious passion, that she could not before strangers forbear throwing what was in her hand in her Husbands face, or thrusting the burning Candle into his face; and slandering him of the filthiest sins; and when the passion was over, confess all to be false, and her rage to be the reason of her speech and actions: And the man though a Minister, of more than ordinary wit and strength, yet fain to endure all without returns of violence till her death. They that never knew such a case by trial, can tell how all might be cured easily: but so cannot they that are put upon the Cure.
And there are some other women of the same uncurable strength of Imagination and Passion, who in other respects are very pious and prudent too, and too wise and conscionable to wrong their Husbands with their hands or tongues, who yet are utterly unable to forbear an injury of the highest nature to themselves; but are so utterly impatient of being crossed of their wills, that it would in all likelihood cast them into Melancholy or Madness, or some mortal sickness: And no reason signifieth anything to abate such passions. In case of Pride, or some sinful custom, they are not able to bear reproof, and to be hindered in the sin, without apparent danger of distraction or death. I suppose th • se cases are but few: but what to do in such cases when they come, is the present question.
Nay, the Question is yet harder, Whether to avoid such inconvenience, one may contribute towards another's sin, by affording them the means of committing it?
Answ. 1. No man may contribute to sin as sin, formally considered. 2. No man may contribute to another's sin, for sinful ends, nor in a manner forbidden and sinful in himself. 3. No man may contribute to another's sin, when he is not naturally or morally necessitated to it, but might forbear it.
But as it is consistent with the holiness of God to contribute those Natural and providential mercies, which he knoweth men will abuse to sin, so is it in some cases with us his creatures to one another. God giveth all men their lives and time, their Reason and Free-will, which he knoweth they will abuse to sin: He giveth them that meat, and drink, and riches, and health, and vigor of senses, which are the usual means of the sin and undoing of the world.
Object. But God is not under any Law or obligation as we are.
Answ. His own perfection is above all Law, and will not consist with a consent or acting of anything that is contrary to holiness and perfection. But this I confess, that many things are contrary to the order and duty of the creature, which are not contrary to the place and perfection of the Creator.
1. When man doth generate man, he knowingly contributeth to a sinful nature and life: For he knoweth that it is unavoidable, and that which is born of the flesh is flesh. And yet he sinneth not by so doing, because he is not bound to prevent sin by the forbearance of Generation.
2. When one advanceth another to the office of Magistracy, Ministry, &c. knowing that he will sin in it, he contributeth accidentally to his sin: But so as he is not culpable for so doing.
3. A Physician hath to do with a froward and intemperate Patient, who will please his appetite, or else if he be denied his passion will increase his disease and kill him. In this case he may lawfully say, Let him take a little, rather than kill him; though by so doing he contribute to his sin. Because it is but a not-hindering that which he cannot hinder without a greater evil. The sin is only his that chooseth it.
And it is specially to be noted, that that which Physically is a positive act and contributing to the Matter of the sin, yet Morally is but a not-hindering the sin by such a withholding of materials as we are not obliged to withhold (which is the case also of God's contributing to the matter of sin). If the Physician in such a case, or the Parent of a sick and froward Child, do actually give them that which they sin in desiring, that Giving is indeed such a furthering of the sin as cannot be lawfully forborne lest we do hurt, and therefore is morally but a not hindering it, when we cannot hinder it.
4. If a man have a Wife so proud that she will go mad, or disturb him and his family by rage, if her pride be not gratified by some sinful fashions, curiosities or excesses, if he give her money or materials to do it with, to prevent her distraction, it is but like the foresaid case, of the Physician or Parents of a sick Child.
In these cases I will give you a Rule to walk by for yourselves, and a caution how to judge of others.
1. Be sure that you leave nothing undone that you can lawfully do, for the cure and prevention of others sins; And that it be not for want of zeal against sin, through indifference or slothfulness, that you forbear to hinder it, but merely through disability. 2. See that in comparing the evil that is like to follow the Impedition, you do not mistake, but be sure that it be indeed a greater evil which you avoid by not hindering that particular sin. 3. See therefore that your own caanal interest weigh not with you more than there is cause; and that you account not mere fleshly suffering a greater evil than sin. 4. But yet that dishonor which may be cast upon Religion, and the Good of souls which may be hindered by a bodily suffering, may come into the comparison. 5. And your own duties to men's bodies (as to save men's lives or health or peace) is to be numbered with spiritual things, and the materials of a sin may in some cases be administered for the discharge of such a duty. If you knew a man would die if you give him not hot water, and he will be drunk if you do give it him, In this case, you do but your duty, and he commits the sin: You do that which is good and are not bound to forbear it, because he will turn it to sin, unless you see that the hurt by that sin is like to be so great (besides the sin itself) as to discharge you from the duty of doing good.
2. As to others, 1. Put them on to their duty and spare not. 2. But censure them not for the sins of their families, till you are acquainted with all the case. It's usual with rash and carnal censurers, to cry out of some godly Ministers or Gentlemen, that their Wives are as proud, and their Children and Servants as bad as others. But are you sure that it is in their power to remedy it? Malice and rashness judge at a distance of things which men understand not, and sin in speaking against sin.
Quest. 2. IF a Gentleman, e. g. of 500. or 1000. or 2000. or 3000. li. per annum, could spare honestly half his yearly rents, for his Children and for charitable uses, and his wife be so proud and prodigal that she will waste it all in house-keeping and excesses, and will rage, be unquiet or go mad if she be hindered, what is a man's duty in such a case?
Answ. It is but an instance of the fore-mentioned case, and must thence be answered. 1. It is supposed that she is uncurable by all wise and rational means of persuasion. 2. He is wisely to compare the greatness of the cvil that will come by crossing her, with the good th •• may come by the improvement of his estate, and the forbearance of those excesses. If her rage or distraction or unquietness were like by any accident to do more hurt, than his estate may do good, he might take himself disabled from hindering the sin: And though he give her the money which she mis-spendeth, it is not sinning, but only not hindering sin when he is unable. 3. Ordinarily some small or tolerable degree of sinful waste and excess may be tolerated to avoid such mischiefs as else would follow: but not too much. And though no just measure can be assigned, at what rate a man may lawfully purchase his own peace, and consequently his liberty to serve God, or at what rate he may save his Wife from madness, or some mortal mischiefs of her discontent, yet the case must be resolved by such considerations; And a prudent man that knoweth what is like to be the consequent on both sides may and must accordingly determine it. 4. But ordinarily the life, health or preservation of so proud, luxurious, and passionate a woman, is not worth the saving at so dear a rate, as the wasting of a considerable estate, which might be used to relieve a multitude of the poor, and perhaps to save the lives of many that are worthier to live. And, 1. A man's duty to relieve the poor and provide for his family is so great. 2. And the account that all men must give of the use of their Talents is so strict, that it must be a great reason indeed, that must allow him to give way to very great wastefulness. And unless there be somewhat extraordinary in the case, it were better deal with such a Woman as a Bedlam, and if she will be mad, to use her as the mad are used, than for a steward of God to suffer the Devil to be served with his masters goods.
Lastly, I must charge the Reader to remember, that both these cases are very rare; and it is but few Women that are so liable to so great mischiefs, which may not be prevented at cheaper rates; And therefore that the Indulgence given in these decisions, is nothing to the greater part of men, nor is to be extended to ordinary Cases. But commonly men everywhere sin by omission of a stricter Government of their families, and by Eli's sinful indulgence and remissness: And though a Wife must be Governed as a Wife, and a Child as a Child, yet all must be governed as well as servants. And though it may be truly said, that a man cannot hinder that sin, which he cannot hinder but by sin, or by contributing to a greater hurt, yet it is to be concluded, that every man is bound to hinder sin whenever he is able lawfully to hinder it.
And by the same measures Tolerations, or not-hindering Errors and sins about Religion in Church and Common-wealth is to be judged of: None must commit them or approve them; nor forbear any duty of their own to cure them: But that is not a duty which is destructive, which would be a duty when it were a means of edifying.
CHAP. X. The Duties of Parents for their Children.
OF how great importance the wise and holy Education of Children is, to the saving of their souls, and the comfort of the Parents, and the good of Church and State, and the happiness of the World, I have partly told you before; but no man is able fully to express: And how great that calamity is which the World is fallen into through the neglect of that duty, no heart can conceive; But they that think what a case the Heathen, Infidel, and ungodly Nations are in, and how rare true piety is grown, and how many millions must lie in Hell forever, will know so much of this inhumane negligence, as to abhor it.
§. 1. Direct. 1. Understand and lament the corrupted and miserable state of your Children, which they have derived from you: and thank fully accept the offers of a Savior for yourselves and them, and • bsolutely resign, and dedicate them to God in Christ in the sacred Covenant, and solemnize this Dedication and Covenant by their Baptism: And to this end understand the command of God for entering your Children solemnly into Covenant with him, and the Covenant-mercies belonging to them thereupon. Rom. 5. 12, 16, 17, 18. Ephes. 2. 1, 3. Gen. 17. 4, 13, 14. Deut. 29. 10, 11, 12. Rom. 11. 17, 20. Joh. 3. 3, 5. Mat. 19. 13, 14.
You cannot sincerely dedicate yourselves to God, but you must dedicate to him all that is yours, and in your power: and therefore your Children as far as they are in your power: And as Nature hath taught you your Power and your duty to enter them in their infancy into any Covenant with man, which is certainly for their good (and if they refuse the conditions when they come to age they forfeir the benefit) so nature teacheth you much more to oblige them to God for their far greater good, in case he will admit them into Covenant with him: And that he will admit them into his Covenant, (and that you ought to enter them into it ) is past doubt, in the evidence which the Scripture giveth us, that from Abraham's time till Christ it was so with all the Children of his people: Nay no man can prove that before Abraham's Time or since God had ever a Church on Earth, of which the Infants of his servants (if they had any) were not members dedicated in Covenant to God, till of late times that a few began to scruple the lawfulness of this. As it is a comfort to you, if the King would bestow upon your Infant-Children, (who were tainted by their Fathers treason) not only a full discharge from the blot of that offense, but also the titles and estates of Lord's, though they understand none of this till they come to age; so is it much more matter of comfort to you, on their behalf, that God in Christ will pardon their Original sin, and take them as his Children, and give them title to everlasting life; which are the mercies of his Covenant.
§. 2. Direct. 2. As soon as they are capable, teach them what a Covenant they are in, and what are the benefits and what the conditions, that their souls may gladly consent to it when they understand it; and you may bring them seriously to renew their Covenant with God in their own persons. But the whole order of Teaching both Children and Servants, I shall give you after by itself; and therefore shall here pass by all that, except that which is to be done more by your familiar converse, than by more solemn teaching.
§. 3. Direct. 3. Train them up in exact obedience to yourselves; and break them of their own wills. To that end, suffer them not to carry themselves unreverently or contemptuously towards you; but to keep their distance. For too much Familiarity breedeth contempt, and emboldeneth to disobedience. The common course of Parents is to please their Children so long, by letting them have what they crave, and what they will, till their wills are so used to be fulfilled, that they cannot endure to have them denied; and so can endure no Government, because they endure no crossing of their wills. To be Obedient is to renounce their own wills and be ruled by their Parents or Governors wills: To use them therefore to have their own wills, is to teach them disobedience, and harden and use them to a kind of impossibility of obeying. Tell them oft familiarly and lovingly of the excellency of obedience, and how it pleaseth God, and what need they have of Government, and how unfit they are to govern themselves; and how dangerous it is to Children to have their own wills: speak often with great disgrace of self-willedness, and stubbornness, and tell others in their hearing what hath bef • ln self-willed Children.
§. 4. Direct. 4. Make them neither too bold with you, nor too strange or fearful: and govern them no as servants, but as Children, making them perceive that you dearly love them, and that all your commands, restraints and corrections are for their good, and not merely because you will have it so. They must be ruled as Rational Creatures, that Love themselves, and those that Love them: If they perceive that you dearly love them, they will obey you the more willingly, and the easilier be brought to repent of their disobedience, and they will as well obey you in heart as in outward actions, and behind your back as before your face: And the Love of you (which must be caused by your Love to them ) must be one of the chiefest means to bring them to the Love of all that good which you commend to them: and so to form their wills sincerely to the will of God, and make them holy. For if you are too strange to them and too terrible, they will fear you only, and not much love you: And then they will love no Books, no practices, that you commend to them. But like hypocrites they will seek to please you to your face, and care not what they are in secret and behind your back • : Nay it will tempt them to loath your government, and all that good which you persuade them to, and make them like birds in a Cage, that watch for an opportunity to get away and get their liberty. They will be the more in the company of servants and idle Children, because your terror and strangeness maketh them take no delight in yours. And fear will make them liars, as oft as a lie seemeth necessary to their escape. Parents that show much love to their Children, may safely show severity when they commit a fault. For then they will see that it is their fault only that displeaseth you, and not their persons; and your Love reconcileth them to you when they are corrected: When less correction from Parents that are allway strange or angry, and show no tender love to their Children, will alienate them, and do no good. Too much boldness of Children leadeth them before you are aware, to contempt of Parents and all disobedience: And too much fear and stra • geness depriveth them of most of the benefits of your care and government: But tender love, with severity only when they do amiss, and this at a reverend convenient distance, is the only way to do them good.
§. 5. Direct. 5. Labor much to possess their hearts with the Fear of God, and a reverence of the holy Scriptures: and then whatsoever duty you command them, or whatever sin you forbid them, show them s • me plain and urgent Texts of Scripture for it: and cause them to learn them and oft repeat them; that so they may find reason and Divine authority in your commands: Till their obedience begin to be Rational and Divine, it will be but formal and hypocritical: It is Conscience that must watch them in private, when you see them not: And Conscience is God's officer and not yours; and will say nothing to them, till it speak in the name of God. This is the way to bring the Heart itself into subjection; and also to reconcile them to all your commands, when they see that they are first the commands of God: (of which more anon).
§. 6. Direct. 6. In all your speech of God and of Jesus Christ, and of the Holy Scripture, or the life to come, or of any holy duty, speak always with gravity, seriousness and reverence, as of the most great and dreadful and most sacred things: For before Children come to have any distinct und • rstanding of particulars, it is a hopeful beginning to have their hearts possessed with a general reverence and high esteem of holy matters: For that will continually awe their Consciences, and help their judgments, and settle them against prejudice and profane contempt, and be as a seed of holiness in them. For the fear of God is the beginning of wisdom, Psal. 111▪ 10. Prov. 9. 10. & 1. 7. And the very manner of the Parents speech and carriage, expressing great reverence to the things of God, hath a very great power to leave the like impression on a Child: Most Children of Godly Parents that ever came to good, I am persuaded can tell you this by experience, (if their Parents did their duty in this point;) that the first good that ever they felt upon their hearts, was a reverence to holy things, which the speech and carriage of their Parents taught them.
§. 7. Direct. 7. Speak always before them with great honor and praise of Holy Ministers and people, and with dispraise and loathing of every sin and of ungodly men. For this also is a thing that Children will quickly and easily receive from their Parents: Before they can understand particular doctrines, they can learn in general what kind of persons are most happy or most miserable: and they are very apt to receive such a liking or d • sl • king from their Parents judgment, which hath a great hand in all the following good or evil of their lives. If you possess them with good and honorable thoughts, of them that fear God, they will ever after be inclined to think well of them, and to dislike those that speak evil of them, and to hear such Preachers, and to w • sh themselves such Christians: so that in this and the foregoing point, it is that the first stirrings of grace in Children are ordinarily felt. And therefore on the other side, it is a most pernicious thing to Children, when they hear their Parents speak contemptuously or lightly of holy things and persons, and irreverently talk of God and Scripture and the life to come, or speak dispraisingly or scornfully of Godly Ministers, or people, or make a jest of the particular duties of a religious life: These Children are like to receive that prejudice or profane contempt into their hearts b • times, which may bolt the doors against the love of God and holiness, and make their salvation a work of much greater difficulty, and much smaller hope. And therefore still I say, that wicked Parents are the most notable servants of the Devil in all the world, and the bloodiest enemies to their Children's souls: More souls are damned by ungodly Parents (and next them by ungodly Ministers and Magistrates) than by any instruments in the world besides. And hence it is also that whole Nations are so generally carried away with enmity against the ways of God: The Heathen Nations against the true God, and the Infidel Nations against Christ, and the Papist Nations against Reformation and spiritual Worshippers: Because the Parents speak evil to the Children of all that they themselves dislike; and so possess them with the same dislike from generation to generation. Woe to them that call evil good, and good evil, that put darkness for light and light for darkness, that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter, Isa. 5. 20.
§. 8. Direct. 8. Let it be the principal part of your care and labor in all their education to make Holiness appear to them the most Necessary, Honorable, gainful, pleasant delightful amiable state of life; and to keep them from apprehending it either as needless, dishonorable, hurtful or uncomfortable. Especially draw them to the Love of it, by representing it as lovely. And therefore begin with that which is easiest and most grateful to them (as the History of the Scripture, and the lives of the Martyrs and other good men, and some short familiar lessons). For though in restraining them from sin, you must go to the highest step at first, and not think to draw them from it by allowing them the least degree (for every degree disposeth to more, and none is to be allowed, and a general reformation is the easiest as well as absolutely necessary). Yet in putting them upon the Practice of Religious duties, you must carry them on by degrees, and put them at first upon no more than they can bear; either upon the learning of doctrines too high and spiritual for them, or upon such duty for quality or quantity as is over-burdensome to them; For if you once turn their hearts against Religion, and make it seem a slavery and a tedious life to them, you take the course to harden them against it. And therefore all Children must not be used alike: as all stomachs must not be forced to • at alike: If you force some to take so much as to become a surfeit, they will loath that sort of meat as long as they live. I know that nature itself, as corrupt, hath already an enmity to Holiness, and I know that this enmity is not to be indulged in Children, at all: But withal I know that mis-representations of Religion, and imprudent Education is the way to increase it, and that the enmity being in the Heart, it is the change of the Mind and Love that is the overcoming of it, and not any such constraint as tendeth not to reconcile the Mind by Love. The whole skill of Parents for the Holy education of their Children, doth consist in this, to make them conceive of Holiness as the most amiable and desirable life; which is by representing it to them in words and practice, not only as most Necessary, but also as most Profitable, Honorable and Delightful. Prov. 3. 17. Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace, &c.
§. 9. Direct. 9. Speak often to them of the brutish baseness and sinfulness of flesh-pleasing sensuality, and of the greater excellency of the Pleasures of the mind; which consist in wisdom and in doing good. For your chiefest care must be to save them from Flesh-pleasing; which is not only in general the sum of all iniquity whatsoever, but that which in special Children are most prone to. For their flesh and sense is as quick as others: and they want not only faith, but clear Reason to resist it: And so (besides their natural pravity) the custom of obeying sense (which is in strength) without Reason (which is in infancy and almost useless) doth much increase this pernicious sin. And therefore still labor to imprint in their minds an odious conceit of a fleshpleasing life: speak bitterly to them against Gluttony, and drunkenness and excess of sport; and let them often hear or read the parable of the Glutton and Lazarus in the 16 of Luke: And let them learn without book, Rom. 8. 1, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 13. & Rom. 13. 13, 14. and oft repeat them.
§. 10. Direct. 10. To this end, and also for the health of their bodies, keep a strict guard upon their appetites (which they are not able to guard themselves:) Keep them as exactly as you can to the rules of reason, both in the quantity and quality of their food. Yet tell them the Reason of your restraint, or else they will secretly strive the more to break their bounds. Most Parents that ever I knew, or had any good account of in that point, are guilty of the great hurt and danger of their Children's health and souls, by pleasing and glutting them with meat and drink: If I should call them Devils and Murderers to their own Children, they would think I spake too harshly; But I would not have them give so great occasion for it, as by destroying (as far as lieth in them) the souls and bodies of their Children. They destroy their souls by accustoming them to gluttony, and to be ruled by their appetites; which all the teaching in the world will hardly ever after overcome, without the special grace of God. What is all the vice and villainy in the world but the pleasing of the desires of the flesh? And when they are habituated to this, they are rooted in their sin and misery. And they destroy their Bodies, by suffering them to please their appetites, with raw fruits and other hurtful things; but especially by drowning and overwhelming nature by excess: And all this is through that beastly ignorance joined with self conceitedness, which maketh them also overthrow themselves. They think that their appetite is the measure of their eating and drinking, and that if they drink but when they are thirsty (as some Drunkards are continually) and eat but when they are hungry, it is no excess: And because they are not presently sick, or vomit it not up again, the Beasts think it doth them no harm but good: You shall hear them like mad people say, [ I warrant them, it will do them no harm to eat and drink when they have list, it will make them strong and healthful: I see not that those that are dyeted so strictly are any healthfuller than others. ] When as all this while they are burdening nature, and destroying digestion, and vitiating all the humors of the body, and turning them into a dunghill of flegm and filth: which is the fuel that breedeth and feedeth almost all the diseases that after seize upon them while they live; and usually bringeth them to an untimely end: (as I have fullier opened before, Tom. 1. in the Directions against Gluttony ) If therefore you love either the souls or Bodies of your Children, use them to temperance from their infancy▪ and let not their appetites or craving wills, but your own reason be the chooser and the measure of their diet. Use them to eat sparingly, and (so it moderately please their appetite, or be not such as nature loatheth) let it be rather of the courser than the finer sort of diet: see it measured to them yourselves, and suffer no servant to give them more; nor to let them eat or drink between meals and out of season: And so you will help to overcome their sensual inclinations, and give reason the mastery of their lives; and you will under God do as much as any one thing can do to help them to a healthful temper of body, which will be a very great mercy to them, and fit them for their duty, all their lives.
§. 11. Direct. 11. For sports and recreations let them be such and so much as may be needful to their health and cheerfulness: but not so much as may carry away their minds from better things, and draw them from their Books or other duties; nor such as may tempt them to gaming or covetousness. Children must have convenient sp • rt for the health of the body and alacrity of the mind: such as well exerciseth their bodies is best, and not such as little stirreth them: Cards and Dice, and such idle spor • s are every way most unfit, as tending to hurt both body and mind. Their time also must be limited them, that their play may not be their work: As soon as ever they have the use of any reason and speech, they should be taught some better things, and not left till they are five or six years of age to do nothing, but get a custom of wasting all their time in play. Children are very early capable of learning something which may prepare them for more.
§. 12. Direct. 12. Use all your wisdom and diligence to root out the sin of Pride: And to that end, d • not (as is usual with foolish Parents,) that please them with making them fine, and then by telling them how fine they are: But use to commend humility and plainness to them, and speak disgracefully of Pride and fineness, to breed an averseness to it in their minds. Cause them to learn such Texts of Scripture as speak of God's abhorring and resisting the proud, and of his loving and honoring the humble: When they see other Children that are finely clothed, speak of it to them as their shame, that they may not desire to be like them. Speak against boasting, and every other way of Pride, which they are liable to. And yet give them the Praise of all thats well: for that is but their due encouragement.
§. 13. Direct. 13. Speak to them disgracefully of the Gallantry and pomp and Riches of the world, and of the sin of selfishness and cov • tousness: and diligently watch against it, and all that may tempt them t • it. When they see great houses, and attendance and gallantry, tell them that these are the Devils baits, to • ice poor sinners to love this world, that they may lose their souls and the world to come: Tell them how much Heaven excelleth all this: and that the lovers of the world must never come thither, but the humble and meek and poor in spirit. Tell them of the Rich Glutton in Luk. 16. that was thus clothed in purple and silk and fared deliciously every day; but when he came to H • ll, could not get a drop of Water to cool his tongue, when Lazarus was in the joys of Paradise. Do not as the wicked, that entice their Children to worldliness and covetousness, by giving them money, and letting them game and play for money, and promising them to make them fine or rich, and speaking highly of all that are rich and great in the world: But tell them how much happier a poor believer is; and withdraw all that may tempt their minds to Covetousness. Teach them how good it is to love their brethren as themselves, and to give them part of what they have; and praise them for it: and dispraise them when they are greedy to keep or heap up all to themselves. And all will be little enough to cure this pernicious sin. Teach them such Texts as Psal. 10. 3. They bless the covetous whom the Lord abhorreth.
§. 14. Direct. 14. Narrowly watch their tongues, especially against Lying, railing, ribbald talk, and taking the name of God in vain. And pardon them many lighter faults about common matters, sooner than one such sin against God. Tell them of the odiousness of all these sins, and teach them such Texts as most expressly condemn them: and never pass it by or make light of it when you find them guilty.
§. 15. Direct. 15. Keep them as much as may be from ill company, especially of ungodly play-fellows. It is one of the greatest dangers for the undoing of Children in the world: especially when they are sent to common Schools: For there is scarce any of those schools so good, but hath many rude and ungodly ill-taught Children in it; that will speak profanely, and filthily, and make their ribbald and railing speeches a matter of boasting; besides fighting and gaming and scorning and neglecting their lessons: and they will make a scorn of him that will not do as they; if not beat and abuse him: And there is such tinder in nature for these sparks to catch upon, that there are very few Children but when they hear others take God's name in vain, or sing wanton songs, or talk filthy words, or call one another by reproachful names, do quickly imitate them: And when you have watched over them at home as narrowly as you can, they are infected abroad with such beastly vices as they are hardly ever after cured of. Therefore let those that are able, either educate their Children most at home, or in private and well ordered Schools; and those that cannot do so, must be the more exceeding watchful over them, and charge them to associate with the best; and speak to them of the odiousness of these practices, and the wickedness of those that use them: and speak very disgracefully of such ungodly Children: and when all's done, it's a great mercy of God if they be not undone, by the force of the contagion, notwithstanding all your antidotes: Those therefore that venture their Children into the rudest Schools and company, and after that to Rome and other profane or Popish Countries, to learn the fashions and customs of the world, upon pretence that else they will be ignorant of the course of the world, and ill bred, and not like others of their rank, may think of themselves, and their own reasonings as well as they please: for my part I had rather make a Chimney Sweeper of my Son (if I had any) than be guilty of doing so much to sell or betray him to the Devil.
Quest. But is it not lawful for a man to send his son to travel?
Answ. Yes, in these cases: 1. In case he be a ripe confirmed Christian, that is not in danger of being perverted, but able to resist the enemies of the truth, and to Preach the Gospel or do good to others, and withal have sufficient business to invite him: 2. Or if he go in the company of wise and godly persons, and such be his companions, and the probability of his gain be greater, than of his loss and danger. 3. Or if he go only into Religious Countries, among more wise and learned men, than he converseth with at home, and have sufficient motives for his course. But to send young, raw, unsettled persons, among Papists, and profane licentious people (though perhaps some sober person be in company with them,) and this only to see the Countries and fashions of the World, is an action unbeseeming any Christian, that knoweth the pravity of human nature, and the mutability of young unfurnished heads, and the subtlety of deceivers, and the contagiousness of sin and error, and the worth of a soul, and will not do as some Conjurers or Witches, even sell a soul to the Devil, on condition he may see and know the fashions of the world: (which alas, I can quickly know enough of to grieve my heart, without travelling so far to see them) If another Country have more of Christ, and be nearer Heaven, the invitation is great: but if it have more of sin and Hell, I had rather know Hell, and the Suburbs of it too, by the Map of the Word of God, than by going thither. And if such children return not the confirmed children of the Devil, and prove not the calamity of their Country, and the Church, let them thank special grace, and not their Parents or themselves. They overvalue that vanity which they call Breeding who will hazard the substance (even Heavenly Wisdom, Holiness and Salvation) to go so far for so vain a shadow.
§. 16. Direct. 16. Teach your children to know the preciousness of Time, and suffer them not to misspend an hour. Be often speaking to them how precious a thing Time is, and how short man's life is, and how great his work, and how our endless life of joy or misery dependeth on this little Time: Speak odiously to them of the sin of those that play and idle away their time: And keep account of all their hours, and suffer them not to lose any by excess of sleep, or excess of play, or any other way: but engage them still in some employment that is worth their Time.
Train up your children in a life of diligence and labor, and use them not to ease and idleness when they are young. Our wandering Beggars, and too many of the Gentry utterly undo their children by this means: Especially the female Sex. They are taught no Calling, nor exercised in any employment, but only such as is meet for nothing but ornament and recreation (at the best): and therefore should have but recreation-hours, which is but a small proportion of their time. So that by the sin of their Parents, they are betimes engaged in a life of Idleness, which afterward it is wondrous hard for them to overcome; And they are taught to live, like Swine or Vermin, that live only to live, and do small good in the world by living: To rise, and dress, and adorn themselves, and take a walk, and so to dinner, and thence to Cards or Dice, or chat and idle talk, or some play, or visit, or recreation, and so to Supper, and to chat again and to bed, is the lamentable life of too many that have great obligations to God, and greater matters to do, if they were acquainted with them: And if they do but interpose a few hypocritical heartless words of prayer, they think they have piously spent the day. Yea, the health of many is utterly ruined, by such idle fleshly education; so that disuse doth disable them from any considerable motion or exercise, which is necessary to preserve their health: It would move ones heart with pity, to see how the houses of some of the Higher sort are like Hospitals, and education hath made especially the females like the lame, or sick, or bedrid: so that one part of the day, that should be spent in some profitable employment, is spent in bed, and the rest in doing nothing, or worse than nothing; and most of their life is made miserable by diseases, so that if their legs be but used to carry them about, they are presently out of breath, and are a burden to themselves, and few of them live out little more than half their days: Whereas, poor creatures, if their own Parents had not betrayed them into the sins of Sodom, Pride, fullness of bread, and abundance of Idleness, they might have been in health, and lived like honest Christian people, and their legs and arms might have served them for Use, as well as for integrality and ornament.
§. 17. Direct. 17. Let necessary correction be used with discretion according to these following Rules. 1. Let it not be so seldom (if necessary) as to leave them fearless, and so make it ineffectual: and let it not be so frequent as to discourage them, or breed in them a hatred of their Parents. 2. Let it be different according to the different tempers of your children: Some are so tender and timorous and apt to be discouraged, that little or no correction may be best: And some are so hardened and obstistinate, that it must be much and sharp correction that must keep them from dissoluteness and contempt. 3. Let it be more for sin against God (as lying, railing, filthy speaking, profaneness, &c. ) than for faults about your worldly business. 4. Correct them not in passion, but stay till they perceive that you are calmed: For they will think else that your▪ anger rather than your reason is the cause. 5. Always show them the tenderness of your Love, and how unwilling you are to correct them, if they could be reformed any easier way: and convince them that you do it for their good. 6. Make them read those Texts of Scripture which condemn their sin, and then those which command you to correct them. As for example, if Lying be their sin, turn them first to Prov. 12. 22. Lying lips are abomination to the Lord, but they that deal truly are his delight: and 13. 5. A righteous man hateth lying: John 8. 44. Ye are of your Father the Devil,—when he speaketh a lie, he speaketh of his own; for he is a liar, and the Father of it. Rom. 22. 15. For without are dogs—and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie. And next turn him to Prov. 13. 24. He that spareth his rod hateth his Son, but be that loveth him, chasteneth him betimes. Prov. 29. 15. The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself bringeth his Mother to shame. Prov. 22. 15. Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child, but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him. Prov. 23. 13, 14. Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die: Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from Hell, Prov. 19. 18. Chasten thy Son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying. Ask him whether he would have you by sparing him, to disobey God, and hate him, and destroy his soul. And when his reason is convinced of the reasonableness of correcting him, it will be the more sucessful.
§. 18. Direct. 18. Let your own example teach your children that holiness, and heavenliness, and blamelessness of tongue and life, which you desire them to learn and practice. The example of Parents is most powerful with children both for good and evil. If they see you live in the fear of God, it will do much to persuade them that it is the most necessary and excellent course of life, and that they must do so too: And if they see you live a carnal, voluptuous and ungodly life, and hear you curse, or swear, or talk filthily or railingly, it will greatly embolden them to imitate you: If you speak never so well to them, they will sooner believe your bad lives, than your good words.
§. 19. Direct. 19. Choose such a Calling and course of life for your children, as tendeth most to the saving of their souls, and to their public usefulness for Church or State. Choose not a Calling that is most liable to temptations and hindrances to their salvation, though it may make them rich: but a Calling which alloweth them some leisure for the remembering the things of everlasting consequence, and fit opportunities to get good, and to do good: If you bind them Apprentices, or Servants, if it be possible place them with men fearing God; and not with such as will harden them in their sin.
§. 20. Direct. 20. When they are marriageable, and you find it needful, look out such for them as are suitable betimes. When Parents stay too long, and do not their duties in this, their children often choose for themselves to their own undoing: For they choose not by judgment, but blind affection.
§. 21. Having thus told you the common duties of Parents for their children, I should next have told you what specially belongeth to each Parent; but to avoid prolixity, I shall only desire you to remember especially these two Directions: 1. That the Mother who is still present with children when they are young, be very diligent in teaching them, and minding them of good things. When the Fathers are abroad, the Mothers have more frequent opportunities to instruct them, and be still speaking to them of that which is most necessary, and watching over them. This is the greatest service that most women can do for God in the world: Many a Church that hath been blessed with a good Minister, may thank the pious education of Mothers: And many a thousand souls in Heaven may thank the holy care and diligence of Mothers, as the first effectual means. Good women this way (by the good education of their children) are ordinarily great blessings both to Church and State. (And so some understand 1 Tim. 2. 15. by Child-bearing, meaning bringing up children for God; but I rather think it is by Mary's bearing Christ the promised seed. )
2. By all means let children be taught to read, if you are never so poor, and what ever shift you make; or else you deprive them of a singular help to their instruction and salvation. It is a thousand pities that a Bible should signify no more than a Chip to a rational creature, as to their reading it themselves: and that so many excellent Books as be in the world, should be as sealed or insignificant to them.
§. 22. But if God deny you children, and save you all this care and labor, repine not, but be thankful, believing it is best for you: Remember what a deal of duty, and pains, and hearts grief he hath freed you from, and how few speed well when Parents have done their best: what a life of misery children must here pass through, and how sad the fear of their sin and damnation would have been to you.
CHAP. XI. The special Duties of Children towards their Parents.
THough Precepts to Children are not of so much force as to them of riper age, because of their natural incapacity, and their childish passions and pleasures which bear down their weak d • gree of Reason, yet somewhat is to be said to them, because that measure of Reason which they have is to be exercised, and by exercise to be improved: and because even those of riper years, while they have Parents, must know and do their duty to them: and because God useth to bless even children as they perform their duties.
§. 1. Direct. 1. Be sure that you dearly love your Parents: Delight to be in their company: Be not like those unnatural children, that love the company of their idle play-fellows, better than their Parents, and had rather be abroad about their sports, than in their Parents sight. Remember that you have your Being from them, and come out of their loins: Remember what sorrow you have cost them, and what care they are at for your education and provision; and remember how tenderly they have loved you, and what grief it will be to their hearts if you miscarry, and how much your happiness will make them glad: Remember what Love you owe them both by Nature and in Justice, for all their Love to you, and all that they have done for you: They take your Happiness or Misery to be one of the greatest parts of the Happiness or Misery of their own lives. Deprive them not then of their Happiness, b • depriving yourselves of your own: Make not their lives miserable, by undoing yourselves. Though they chide you, and restrain you, and correct you, do not therefore abate your Love to them. For this is their Duty, which God requireth of them, and they do it for your good. It is a sign of a wicked child that loveth his Parents the less, because they correct him, and will not let him have his own will. Yea, though your Parents have many faults themselves, yet you must love them as your Parents still.
§. 2. Direct. 2. Honor your Parents both in your Thoughts, and speeches, and behavior. Think not dishonourably or contemptuously of them in your hearts. Speak not dishonourably, rudely, unreverently, or saucily either to them or of them. Behave not yourselves rudely and unreverently before them. Yea, though your Parents be never so poor in the world, or weak of understanding, yea, though they were ungodly, you must honor them notwithstanding all this: Though you cannot honor them as Rich, or Wise, or Godly, you must honor them as your Parents. Remember that the fifth Commandment hath a special promise of temporal blessing: Honor thy Father and Mother that thy days may be long in the land, &c. And consequently the dishonourers of Parents have a special curse even in this life: And the Justice of God is ordinarily seen in the execution of it: The despisers and dishonourers of their Parents seldom prosper in the world. There are five sorts of sinners that God useth to overtake with vengeance even in this life: 1. Perjured persons and false witnesses. 2. Murderers. 3. Persecutors. 4. Sacrilegious persons: and 5. The abusers and dishonourers of their Parents. Remember the curse on Cham, Gen. 9. 22, 25. It is a fearful thing to see and hear how some ill-bred ungodly children will talk contemptuously and rudely to their Parents, and wrangle and contend with them, and contradict them, and speak to them as if they were their equals: (And its commonly long of the Parents themselves that breed them to it.) And at last they will grow even to abuse and vilify them. Read Prov. 30. 17. The eye that mocketh at his Father, and despiseth to obey his Mother, the Ravens of the Valley shall pick it out, and the young Eagles shall eat it.
§. 3. Direct. 3. Obey your Parents in all things (which God forbiddeth not.) Remember that as Nature hath made you unfit to govern yourselves, so God in Nature hath mercifully provided Governors for you. Here I shall first tell you what obedience is, and then tell you why you must be thus obedient. I. To obey your Parents is to do that which they command you, and forbear that which they forbid you, because it is their Will you should do so: You must 1. Have in your minds a desire to please them, and be glad when you can please them, and sorry when you offend them: and then 2. You must not set your wit or your will against theirs, but readily obey their commands without unwillingness, murmuring or disputing. Though you think your own way is best, and your own desires are but reasonable, yet your own wit and will must be subjected unto theirs, or else how do you obey them? II. And for the Reasons of your obedience, 1. Consider it is the will of God that it should be so, and he hath made them as his Officers to govern you; and in disobeying them, you disobey him. Read Ephes. 6. 1, 2, 3. Children obey your Parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honor thy Father and Mother, (which is the first Commandment with promise) that it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. Col. 3. 20. Children obey your Parents in all things, for this is well pleasing to the Lord. Prov. 23. 22. Hearken to thy Father that begat thee, and despise not thy Mother when she is old. Prov. 13. 1. A wise Son heareth his Fathers instruction. Prov. 1. 8, 9. My Son, hear the instruction of thy Father, and forsake not the Law of thy Mother: for they shall be an ornament of grace unto thy head, and chains about thy neck. 2. Consider also, that your Parents Government is necessary to your own good: and it is a Government of Love: As your bodies would have perished if your Parents or some others had not taken care for you, when you could not help yourselves; so your minds would be untaught and ignorant, even like to Bruits, if you had not others to teach and govern you. Nature teacheth the Chickens to follow the Hen, and all things when they are young, to be led and guided by their Dams, or else what would become of them. 3. Consider also, that they must be accountable to God for you; and if they leave you to yourselves, it may be their destruction as well as yours, as the sad example of Eli telleth you. Rebell not therefore against those that God by Nature and Scripture hath set over you. Though the fifth Commandment require obedience to Princ • s, and Masters, and Pastors, and other Superiors, yet it nameth your Father and Mother only, because they are the first of all your Governors, to whom by Nature you are most obliged.
But perhaps you will say, that though little Children must be ruled by their Parents, yet you are grown up to a riper age, and are wise enough to rule yourselves. I answer, God doth not think so; or else he would not have set Governors over you: And are you wiser than he? It is but few in the world that are wise enough to rule themselves: Else God would not have set Princes, and Magistrates, and Pastors, and Teachers over them, as he hath done. The Servants of the family are as old as you, and yet are unfit to be the Rulers of themselves. God loveth you better than to leave you Masterless, as knowing that youth is rash and inexperienced.
Quest. But how long are Children under the Command and Government of their Parents?
Answ. There are several acts and degrees of Parents Government, according to the several ends and uses of it. Some acts of their Government are but to teach you to go and speak, and some to teach you your labor and Calling, and some to teach you good manners, and the fear of God, or the knowledge of the Scriptures, and some are to settle you in such a course of living, in which you shall need their nearer over-sight no more: When any one of these ends are fully attained, and you have all that your Parents Government can help you to, than you are past that part of their Government. But still you owe them not only Love, and honor, and reverence, but obedience also in all things in which they are still appointed for your help and guidance: Even when you are married from them, though you have a propriety in your own estates, and they have not so strict a charge of you as before, yet if they command you your duty to God or them, you are still obliged to obey them.
§. 4. Direct. 4. Be contented with your Parents provision for you, and disposal of you: Do not rebelliously murmur against them, and complain of their usage of you; much less take anything against their wills. It is the part of a fleshly Rebel, and not of an obedient child, to be discontent and murmur because they fare not better, or because they are kept from sports and play, or because they have not better clothes, or because they have not money allowed them, to spend or use at their own discretion. Are not you under Government? and the Government of Parents, and not of enemies? Are your lusts and pleasures fitter to govern you, than your Parents discretion? Be thankful for what you have, and remember that you deserve it not, but have it freely: It is your Pride or your fleshly sensuality that maketh you thus to murmur, and not any wisdom or virtue that is in you. Get down that Pride and fleshly mind, and then you will not be so eager to have your wills. What if your Parents did deal too hardly with you, in your food, or raiment, or expenses? What harm doth it do you? Nothing but a selfish sensual mind would make so great a matter of it. Its a hundred times more dangerous to your souls and bodies to be bred too high, and fed too full and daintily, than to be bred too low, and fed too hardly: One tendeth to pride, and gluttony, and wantonness, and the overthrow of health and life: and the other tendeth to a humble, mortified, self-denying life, and to the health and soundness of the body. Remember how the earth opened and swallowed all those rebellious murmurers that grudged against Moses and Aaron, Num. 16. Read it and apply it to your case. And remember the story of rebellious Abs • lom, and the folly of the Prodigal, Luke 15. and desire not to be at your own dispose; nor be not eager to have the vain desires of your hearts fulfilled. While you contented • y submit to your Parents, you are in God's way, and may expect his blessing; but when you will needs be Carvers for yourselves, you may expect the punishment of Rebels.
§. 5. Direct. 5. Humble yourselves and submit to any labor that your Parents shall appoint you to. Take heed as you love your souls, lest either a proud heart make you murmur and say, This work is too low and base a drudgery for me? Or lest a lazy mind and body make you say▪ This work is too hard and toilsome for me? Or lest a foolish playful mind do make you weary of your Book or labor, that you may be at your sports, and say, This is too tedious for me: It is little or no hurt that is like to befall you by your labor and diligence: but it is a dangerous thing to get a habit or custom of idl • ness and voluptuousness in your youth.
§. 6 Direct. 6. Be willing and thankful to be instructed by your Parents, or any of your Teachers, but especially about the fear of God, and the matters of your salvation. These are the matters that you are born and live for: These are the things that your Parents have first in charge to teach you. Without knowledge and h • liness all the riches and honors of the world are nothing worth: and all your pleasures will but undo you. O what a comfort is it to understanding Parents to see their children willing to learn, and to love the Word of God, and lay it up in their hearts, and talk of it, and obey it, and prepare betime for everlasting life? If such children die before their Parents, how joyfully may they part with them as into the arms of Christ, who hath said, that of such is the Kingdom of Heaven, Matth. 19. 14. And if the Parents die first, how joyfully may they leave behind them a holy seed, that is like to serve God in their generation, and to follow them to Heaven and live with them forever. But, whether they live or die, what a hear-breaking to the Parents are ungodly children; that love not the word and way of God, and love not to be taught or restrained from their own licentious courses.
§. 7. Direct. 7. Patiently submit to the correction which your Parents lay upon you. Consider, that God hath commanded them to do it, and that to save your souls from Hell; and that they hate you if they correct you not when there is cause, and that they must not spare for your crying, Prov 13. 24. & 22. 15. & 29. 15. & 23. 13, 14. & 19. 18▪ It is not their delight; but for your own necessity. Avoid the fault, and you may escape the correction. How much rather had your Parents see you obedient, than hear you cry. It is not long of them, but of yourselves that you are corrected. Be angry with yourselves, and not with them. It is a wicked child that instead of being better by correction, will hate his Parents for it, and so grow worse. Correction is a means of God's own appointment, and therefore go to God on your knees in prayer, and entreat him to bless and sanctify it to you, that it may do you good.
§. 8. Direct. 8. Choose not your own company, but use such company as by your Parents is appointed you. Bad company is the first undoing of a Child. When for the love of sport you choose such play-fellows, as are idle, and licentious, and disobedient, and will teach you to curse, and swear, and lie, and talk filthily, and draw you from your Book or duty, this is the Devils Highway to Hell. Your Parents are fittest to choose your company.