Last Will and Testament

I Bequeath my soul (brim-full of corruption) into the merciless clutches of Old-Nick, the Bellows mender, and his well-beloved son Dr. Holms, (that man of sin and shame) by whose only merits in railing against Astrology, belching out sedition and Heresy amongst the people, and sowing cushions under the elbows of iniquity, my hope is to be saved from the sad fate of the Scotch colors, and to be shortly wrapped up into Jenkins his third heaven, prepared him of old, for his constant perseverance in the Doctrine and Faith of Mr. Love, there for to sing Geneva Jiggs, to the delicate tune of O Priests, monstrous Priests, what do you mean to do!

And for my body, in regard it hath patiently sustained, and run through the fiery trial of a Bawdy-house, and been but lately parboyl'd in Cornelius his Tub, it is my desire that Alexander Kinsey (dwelling at the Woolsack in Ivy-lane) may have the burial thereof in his Petits, my ears only excepted, and hereafter otherwise disposed; and that the Silkmen and Mercers Apprentices (and others my well-disposed Proselytes) in Pater-noster-Row, will accompany it to the grave, and there to see it decently interred, without any Popish Rites, superstitious prayers, or ceremonies, other then what the Directory of their Morning and Evening stomachs shall admit of, by which means, my intent is, that Alexander may save some moneys (towards the payment of his Daughters portion, who is now upon the prick of preferment) which would otherwise be laid out on Hogs Grease, and cleansing scraps, usually (by him) bought at Pye-corner, and this out of the mere good will I bear him, for that he formerly went out (as if he would have fought the battles of the Lord against the Mighty) under the conduct of Sir William Waller ( aliàs William the Conqueror) howbeit he never durst fight, as being not persuaded of the lawfulness of fighting with anybody but his wife, yet (to give the Devil his due) continues a fiery hot, and so zealous a Presbyterian, that (for some months last past) he has never been without a Priapisme, and the complexion of a pickled Oyster, notwithstanding some of the ungodly scandalize, and call him the nineteenth part of no Religion.

Having thus disposed of my soul and body, which I fear will cause old tugging on some sides when I am dead; but that all things may be carried fairly without fraud and deceit, (and that the Devil may have his due) I have began thus, and shall persist in the setting my house in order, and then come what will come, Dives torments, or the joys of Lazarus, which later, that little conscience I have, tells me I have not been worthy of.

Item, I give and bequeath unto Nicolas Bourn (a trundle-tail'd Stationer near the Exchange) my books, or bundle of impertinencies, lies, forgeries, and non-sense, commonly known by the name of Tho. Gataker B. D. his Vindications of his Annotations &c. upon condition, that where my envy, hatred, malice, and uncharitableness (against the society of Christian Astrology, and its harmless Professors) hath been too weak, he shall make good, and where the sparks of my rage are dying, I enjoin him (as having the only Bellows of Presbyterian zeal) to re-inkindle it against such a Cerberian crew, who have (I may well say) by their dismal writings, drove me out from among them, wretched man that I was to meddle with them. One thing more I desire of my friend Bourn, that he take the pains to view all and every my works since 1651. (at which time I began to defame the Science of Astrology) and blot, or cause to be blotted out, every English word therein concerning that subject, lest after-Generations begin to espy the opened vein that let in death, and write it in an Hebrew character (in which language I have good skill) and then get tooting Mun. Calamy to warrant it Authentic.

Item, I give and bequeath unto Joseph Blaiklock (a broken Presbyterian Book binder) the remains of my chopped Logic, and entreat M. Rowland to make him amends for the over-worn Pamphlets he paraphrased on, and caused him to print in one volum against Astrology, which hath almost cract the Stationer, and ruined the Binder, that being the causa sine quâ non of his present testiness, to make him amends (I say) by attending him once a day at his house, (because he dares not walk abroad so far as a Hen, for fear of God's judgments, nam inter malleum & incudem versatur ) and after a use or two of consolation, to instruct him so far therein, as may enable him to prove black to be white, or (which is all one) his wife an honest woman: But now I remember, I heard the Sheriff had returned a non est inventus for Mr. Rowland, and therefore I shall desire Mr. Gaule will supply the place, perhaps he may jumble a syllogism or two more then ordinary out of Mrs. Blaiklock, who being singularly free natured, (especially when she whitens her linen at the bank side) is more then shrewdly suspected to ramble in the praedicament of a bad quality.

Item, I give and bequeath unto Edmund Calamy the hooping Preacher of Alderma • bury, my exquisite art of lying, wherein, as it is not denied, but I have excelled all that ever wore a Whetstone, so I hope he will in short time make a great improvement thereof, and bring the art to absolute perfection (if Mrs. L. say but amen to it) and I desire, that in lieu thereof, he will perpetuate my Name in an Hebrew Annagram, [which language I have been honored for in Essex ] to be fixed upon the Grave-stone of his affection, and to preach my Funeral Sermon, upon the text in Eccl. 22. 12. Seven days do men mourn for him that is dead, but the lamentation for the fool and ungodly should exdure all the days of their life.

Item, I give unto Leonard Cook [the Proverbial] Pulpiteer of Istington, all and singular my spiritual impostures, and tricks of Leigerdemain, together with the G • llimawfry of my extempory long-winded prayers, beseeching [in the bowels of a Holland Smock] he will decently dress, and set out the same in a large charger of hypocrisy fit for a deluded Auditories appetite, and so present them to the poor hungry people, on the slick table of his deceitful tongue, & bid them all welcome to be cheered.

Item I give unto Mr. Kelly [a Scotch Presbyter] now, or lately Reader of Cripplegate my Lottry, [for which very thing could I have wished myself hung up to the ears in a Scotch Ordinary when I was writing it] and part of my Vindications of my Annotations, which I bequeathed to Bourn, wherein I have comprised two irrefragable reasons, plainly proving Presbytery, Tythes, Railing, and Non-sense, to be all alike, Jure Divin • .

Item, I Bequeath the whole stock of my Impudence unto Ralph Farmer (the Lay-Levite of Bristol, which together with his own) will surely enable him ( Proteus -like) to assume all shapes, and to run through as many professions, as the wandering Jew is said to have done Countries, here to play the Scribe, there the Chemist, in a third place the Priest, to be Aliquis in omnibus, nullus in singulis, A Saint in one place, a Devil in another, a Cheat everywhere, always, Impudeus innocuum quotidie persequitur, yet glory himself in the title of a godly Minister, a painful Pastor, a powerful teacher, notwithstanding he never saved the soul of a louse, and deserved the tythe of a Nit for his Quacking.

Item, I bequeath my matchless gift of Poetry, unto Justice George Wither, as the only man I know that hath dabled his dirty Genius (not in Helicon, for that's heathenish) but in the Ducking-Pond of fancy, and who alone is capable of my Soul-saving strains, provided that he return unto the faith from whence he is fallen, and resolve hereafter to burn, rather then turn anymore with the times, and shall not hackney out his broken-winded Muse, to be anymore drain'd of Hymns, or Ballads, for victories obtained against the godly, but that the offal of his invention may for the future, be set and sung to the melodious Bag-pipes of Presbytery, in their Galloping Gamboll of a Scotch list, the better to awaken the Bell-weathers of the faction, and to quicken the dull spirits of their drooping Proselytes, now in these better times of persecution.

Item, To the intent the world may take notice, I was never so great an Enemy to the persons, as I was to the function of Bishops, because not capable of being one myself, I give unto Dr. Usher (late Primate of Armagh ) all my private Notes, and Collections, the heavy fruits of my forty two years drowsy Contemplation, against that devilish black-Art, (which neither he nor I understand) to wit, Astrology; together with all the Ribbaldry, Drollery, Billingatism, Hopkinism, Ands, Ekes, So still, Most ills, Viles and Guiles, Hells and Fells, Bases and Disgraces; of which see more in my new come out Apology.

Item, My Learning (such as it is) together with my malice, vain-glory, Pride and Hypocrisy, I give unto the late Synod of Divines, and the rest of the Mountebank Ministers of London, the better to uphold them in their learned Barracadoes, against the gathered Independent Churches, reserving only for Vavasor Powell, and Mr. Simpson, so much of my pride and malice, as may strengthen them in these times of persecution (the one being an exile, and the other a close prisoner to Windsor for Treason) that now having time to contemplate, when they come to their thrones, they may suppress that Monstrous, Art of Astrology, and doom those Heathen English using of it to perpetual silence, with three pounds in money, the which I desire may be speedily laid out upon an Umbrella, whereunder to hide and preserve these dow-back'd Levites, in their Assemblies from the direful influence of the Suns Eclipse in August next, least when they seem to laugh in their sleeves, they sorrow in their hearts, for the mischiefs then impending, by the means of those Sorcerers and Wizards, who we know, do ofttimes speak truth by the help of the Devil (the Father of lies) although (we confess) it stands not with our interrest to acknowledge so much.

And now whilst I am a giving, let me not be unmindful of my people of Reddriff, whom I so basely we • t to Law with, while Prelacie was high, and by eager pursuing and unjust bribing, and many other (Jesuitical) under-hand tricks, I overthrew, and by the aforesaid devilish means, got all gleabes, and tithes, to the value of 200. l. per annum; though in my brass-faced, late come out Apology, I have utterly denied it; because I would not give those cursed Astrologers (who have brought me even to death) any color of ground against me. But now to make all amends, I desire all people of my Congregation of Reddriff, to take notice of this my real intention to them, and that this my will should not be taken in Sermo pedestris, in foot-language, I thus proclaim my desire in choice and unctious words in form following.

Item, I bequeath to my Reddriff Congregation my Executors year of Tythes, to buy them all Gloves and Ribbands to mourn for me their painful Pastor, who have so immensly (blessed be the Lawyers) taught them to part with the Ministers due, truly, and without trouble, for which I question not but my Successors will sing Hallelujahs to my name, and manners, saying, Blessed be Tho. Gataker, who hath committed iniquity with greediness, even to the great advantage of the Ministry, but the total and absolute undoing of the people.

And lastly, my fortitude, longsuffering, and patience ( gaudet patientia duris ) I bequeath to Mr. Jenkins, Case, Jagg • r, &c. because I fear they shall have most need thereof; the remainder of my good qualities, especially my wit and honesty, (my debts being first paid by the late Act for Release of poor Prisoners, &c. and my Funeral expenses defraid by my Parish) I freely give to my kind friends R. Ibbi • son, Printer to the Queen of Sheba, and J. Hunscot, Basket-Beadle to the Society of Stationers, whom I make the formidable Executors of this my last will and Testament: And moreover, I do aptly appoint and constitute in cheveral▪ conscienced friends J. Rothwell the pygmy Stationer, and S. Theu • brand the Supravisors thereof, on whom I bestow a silver pair of Tooth-picks, and Claspers, (being all the Plate that escaped the jaws of Guild-hall) which I desire them to accept of in remembrance of me, and my sufferings for the cause; and I do hereby revoke and renounce all former wills by me heretofore made, as being but the effects of a religious lunacy, in witness whereof I have hereunto set my ( per Antiphrasin ) innocent hand and seal, the twelfth day of the first month, in the sixth year of the Presbyterian justly deserved slavery. Anno 1654.

I shall desire also at the hands of my Executors, that they cause to be engraven on my Tomb-stone this following Epitaph.