Christian and Conjugal Counsel

To the CHRISTIAN READER.

THese Meditations (Good Reader) were long since conceived and imparted for the use of one entr • into the Maried state▪ and coming afterward into more hands, the printing of them hath been long since desired, which (the World being full of Books, and myself of Weakness) I diverted, and •• ve hitherto deser'd.

Yet fearing lest being fixed among 〈◊〉 few in a private place, I should be wanting to more▪ and • onsidering that what I have here written is so little, as that it is not like to be tedious; and of such a subject as toucheth upon the substance of Godliness, and so may be some way profitable, I have, at length, advenred to let it see the light.

And that the rather, because I would have this imprinted in the harts of Christians, that Religion is much seen in Relations; Hence the Apostles proceeding in their Epistles from matters of doctrine to prescripts of practice, do therein descend, and disperse their directions into several Callings and Conditions, as of Magistrates and Subjects, Ministers and People, Husband and Wife, Parents and Children, Masters and Servants; Many of which are contained and concerned in the Maried estate: Even Nature and Reason make Offices and Society-services the trial of Virtue, it being an easy matter to creep into a Cell, and under a pretence of Devotion to serve and satisfy Selfwill: but to appear in the sight of the Sun, and to appear approved when there are many quick-sighted, and some severe observers; this will find work enough for the greatest grace where it is, and too much for the best nature where it is not.

This difficulty, and the excellency of walking with approbation in the works and offices belonging to all and everyone, in their particular place and calling, I am the more willing to note, because I have heard divers Godly persons complain, that having had in the Single estate much liberty for sweet and Soulrefreshing conversings with God, being afterwards married, and having a Family to look to, they have been so forced from them, as to find a great loss in their acquaintance with God, in regard of that frequent enlarged and un-interrupted communion with him which they formerly enjoyed. But let not such who would fain be communing with God if they could, and at Jesus feet if they might, droop or be disconsolate, much less dismayed, for now (being entered into society) they come to make use of that habit, and those helps of holiness, which they got and laid up in the single estate; And this may be a Rule, that the Use of all preparatory exercises and assistances is better than the Using of them: They therefore that show forth the power of their former religious performances, do not lose, but make a gainful exchange, They do but come from the exercises of Religion, to the exercise, which is the end, ornament, perfection, and complement of all Exercises.

Its true as the Apostle saith, He that is Unmaried careth for the things belonging to the Lord, how he may please the Lord, that is, having not other things to care for, he is more free for it; He doth not say that everyone that is married taketh that care, or that if a man be once married, he taketh it not, but only that the Un-married have an advantage, and may do it more and more easily Again, He that is married careth for the things that are of the World, how he may please his wife, but then this is to be noted that he performs a good office in it, his Care is not his Sin but his Duty; and every Duty hath its comfort and reward; Yea that care and sorrow which women are called to in the Maried estate, hath this comfort assured to it, that (their continuance in Faith, Charity, Holynesse and Sobriety being supposed) they shall be saved in Child-bearing, that is, the conscientious and patient performance of the offices, and undergoing the afflictions of Child-bearing women, is their proper way to Heaven; for that's the work which God hath committed to them to do, and the thing wherein the reality of their Religion is to discover itself.

Yet here there is need to annex a Caution, to wit, that though the external duties of religion be lessened by marriage (I mean to some, for divers that had less liberty before marriage have more by it,) I say, though religious duties be lessened by marriage, yet they must not be left; Christians, whether married or unmaried must still acquaint their hearts with wisdom, and be provident to preserve their Fellowship with God; They that can be content with an Husband, with a Wife and Children (and all Worldly accommodations) without God, never knew what it was to enjoy God. Nay rather, They that have Wives must be as if they had none, that is, in regard of their readiness for the service of God. A Husband must not say, I have married a Wife, and therefore I cannot come, Nor the Wife, I have a Husband, therefore God cannot have me; but though they be not able to take (as some unmaried may) every opportunity, yet they must not neglect those they may take, nor make themselves liable to that most sad Charge of making light of God's Ordinances and gracious invitations.

But the Gate grows wide for so little an House (although it may be reckoned a part of the House, I shall hasten therefore; If any require why I publish this at this time, it might be enough for me so aged) to answer, Because every man should do what good he can while he hath time; yet something more may be said in regard of the present time, wherein the great God (whose Works are like Himself) by rare providences, I say, rare and admirable providences, both because so high and so dry, hath in such sort altered and bettered the state of things amongst us, that our rightful, gracious and accomplished King is returned unto us, which, if our high sins, our broad and spreading profaneness, and deep security do not hinder, promiseth unto us an happy Settlement. Now, as times of trouble and persecution detain and deter from marriage, so times of peace (albeit marriage should have some further and greater reason than National rest) I say, times of peace and establishment, give encouragement to it, and consequently make these and the like Scripture-directions seasonable for the rendering of it more holy, and thereby more happy.

And to say all, though this advice reflect on the married estate, yet it is not so appropriated to it, but that there is use of it, as there is of that godliness and regular Walking, that it persuades unto, in every estate: It is Christian as well as Conjugal counsel, and though it be composed for, and contrived into the married condition, yet (that estate being so comprehensive) much of it may serve indifferently for Christians in every Condition.

Desiring thy prayers (Christian Reader) that the Author of the Counsel (or rather the weak Instrument) may be Himself the Observer; I rest,

ERRATA.

Epistle, P. 4. concentred r. concerned.

P. 27. Christian, r. Christian.

P. 41. Col. 1. 17. r. Col. 4. 17.

P. 69. l. 8. damage, r danger.

P. 63. l. 7. comfort, r. consort.

P. 84. l. 8. rustles, r. justles.

P. 88. l. 2. it combines, r. is comeliness.

The Matter of the ensuing MEDITATIONS Summ'd up, and refer'd to the several Numbers and Partitions of them: WHEREIN—

• 1 Marriage dignity and duty is generally mentioned. N. 1, 2, 3.
• 2 Four Requisites in Marriage.
  • 1 Zeal in Religion. N. 5.
  • 2 Patience in all Occasions. N 6. where is further declared concerning Impatience—
    • 1 The evils of it, as being an Enemy to comfortable Society,
      • 1 With God. N 9, 10.
      • 2 With Men. N. 11.
      • 3 With our own Consciences. N. 12.
    • 2 Supports for those that groan under it. N. 14, &c.
    • 3 The cure of it. N. 17. Viz.
      • 1 Consideration of God's providence. N. 19.
      • 2 Of our own faults. N. 21.
      • 3 Communing with our own hearts. N. 22.
      • 4 Faithful friends. N. 23.
      • 5 Prayer. N. 24.
  • 3 Wisdom: And that——
    • 1 In matters of Religion:] Particularly, in using and ordering
      • 1 Of religious Exercises. N. 26, 27.
      • 2 Of Christian and edifying conference and admonition, enlarged with divers particular directions from N. 28, to N. 41.
    • 2 In duties of Relation: Namely, relating—
      • 1 To Ministers. N. 41, to 49.
      • 2 To Neighbors and Friends. N. 49, to. 53.
      • 3 To those in the Family. N. 53. Viz. —
        • 1 Equals. N. 54.
        • 2 Inferiors. N. 55.
        • 3 Man and Wife: where there are divers advertisements for both. N. 56, to N. 66.
        • 4 Children, to whom Parents owe
          • 1 Instruction. N. 66, to 69.
          • 2 Correction. N. 69.
          • 3 Disposition into a Calling. N. 70.
          • 4 Disposition in Marriage—to a Consort religious, discreet, with respect to Person and Portion. N. 71, 72, 73, 74.

CHRISTIAN COUNSELL, applied to the Maried Estate.

1. MAriage is an estate honorable in all; And they fall below the nature and worth of men, (and much more of Christians ) who quarrel that estate which God hath ordained for the comfort, benefit, and increase of mankind.

2. The honor of the married estate is preserved, while the bed is kept without being defiled either by falseness or filthiness.

3. But the duty of the estate is as difficult as the dignity is great, and a business it is of far greater virtue for any to acquit himself in the married, then in the single estate.

4. A single and solitary estate is the touchstone of sincerity, and they are surely good that are good secretly, but of our wisdom, patience, and zeal, society is the truest trial.

5. Of zeal in regard of religious exercises and private conversings with God; for which, to gain a competent time, and therein, to come before God with a clear heart in the multitude and number of worldly businesses, will undoubtedly make Christians to bestir themselves.

6. And of patience also in regard of Familyoccasions, and the many vexations of spirit that do arise both from things and persons.

7. Its true that divers occasions of disturbance and distemper, may by providence, and prudence be prevented; and our little stock of patience bespeaks the best assistance of that providence; but to avoid & discharge ourselves of all, is no more in our power, then to command the course of providence, or to alter the nature and dispositions of people.

8. We have need of patience therefore, that what we are not able to prevent we may be willing to endure.

9. Nor doth patience endure it only, but abate and end it; and this is the common fruit of our impatience, the doubling of our disturbance.

10. And consider here (to make patience more precious) that perturbations of spirit are great molesters of piety, and interrupt our society with God; for the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God, that is, a wrathful person, (especially in a wrathful passion) is very unfit to do the will of God, either in works of Religion, that require a quiet and peaceable heart; or in works of Righteousness, that require an equal and dispassionated judgment, 2 Chron. 16. 10.

11. Wrathfull distempers also dissweeten our society with men: Needs must others less comfortably come near us, and we less honourably converse with them, if we shall (though but in some degrees) resemble that Nabal who was so froward (as his Servants said, and none is able to shake off what Servants say truly, Job 31. 13.) that a man could not tell how to speak to him, 1 Sam 25. 17.

12. Add to this, that the comfortable society with ourselves, and our own Consciences is hindered while we give way to those passionate words and carriages wherewith the Conscience, upon serious and sober consideration cannot choose but be much grieved, 1 Sam. 25. 31.

13. Now why should we have any fellowship with that which darkens and disturbs all fellowship both with God, and Men, and with our own Consciences?

14. Not that all comfort is lost by the crossness and cursedness of our nature; Divers belong to God that are very unpleasant and troublesome to M • n. God hath some knotty timber in his Carmel; All that serve him are not like his Servant Moses, (you may find me • ker men on Earth, (haply) in Hell too, in regard of natural meekness) but some as Jonah. And yet to speak the truth (not to protect Perverseness, but to support those that groan under the Burthen of it) the harshest Good-Christian is better than the sweetest either Heathen or Hypocrite; and the worst Child God hath is better than the best the Devil hath.

15. But though sincerity of Heart, and sowrnesse of Carriage may stand together, yet they stand as two Enemies in the Field, and many sad Fights there be in that divided-heart that is the seat of that War, the reason whereof is, because the one Enemy, I mean a crooked nature, is so unweariable; and the other, that is, the divine nature, the grace of God, the Rose among the Thorns, is so unconquerable, and so irreconcilable.

16. This combat, hard as it is, is often the best hold that a Christian hath, and is so necessary a fruit of Sincerity, that they never feared God truly that endured their inordinate passions patiently. Impatience, with others is their fault, to be impatient with themselves for it, is their comfort.

17. Yet trouble with our Frowardness is the more uncomfortable part of our Comfort; To God all things are possible▪ and, howsoever we can no more quite put off our Naughtiness here, than our Natures, yet by prayer and care (God's power, and God's course) this disease may receive some competent cure.

18. To this cure, it conduceth much; First, seriously to consider God's providence. Secondly, to call to mind our own faults. And Thirdly, to commune with our own hearts.

19. That divers molestations arise in our affairs, may be the fruit of our▪ own Improvidence, and then our anger should abide at home, but (howsoever) divers cross • things there are inwrapt within the course of divine providence, wherein (therefore) a perverse Impatience amounts to this, the▪ charging of God foolishly▪ That which is crocked cannot be made straight, the more need had we to set ourselves straight, for if they be crooked and we too, though God can make their Crookednesse end in his glory, yet ours will end in our own smart.

20. Besides that, they that can bear nothing forget why they were born, for, Man is born to trouble as the sparks fly upward, Job 5. 7.

21. Withall, our own faults, (both past and present) feelingly mind us of forbearance in the faults and wrongs of others: we do not only need Patience (for) others, but (in) others; if they need ours, consider also, that we exercise theirs, Eccles. 7. 22.

22. As the considering of our own faults persuades Patience, so communing with our own hearts, works it; I mean communing, not in our fits, (for then Passion is the Judge, and nothing is pleasing but what pierces) but on our Beds, and in cool blood, for then Reason is the Judge; then God is the Judge, and it is for Patience that he passes Sentence; He is not in these winds and earthquakes, and fires, but in a soft and still voice, 1 King. 19. 11, 12. They that commune with their own hearts most, are like to chide least, for the upshot of that is, Be still, Ps. 4. 4.

23. To these may be added as an happy help, a patient and prudent Friend, what would David have done if Abigail had not been? If a Woman may prevail so much with a Superior, why not a Man with an equal, with an inferior? if not, while the fit lasts, yet that it may not last; Passion is but the turning of Reason out of office. Now as the Flatterer takes part with the Beast in Man, and the sensual part, so doth a true Friend with the understanding part, and a Christian Friend with the regenerate part. Hence, (by his help) Reason and Grace is restored, and Passion expelled.

True it is, that Patience is an hard task in a choleric temper; the more need had such of greater care, and wiser company, and (to say all) to make the more earnest Prayers, and as faithful as earnest; for what Heart is so rebellious and impetuous but He can put bounds unto it, who says unto the Sea itself, Hitherto shalt thou go, and no further, and here shall thy proud waves be stayed? Job 38. 11.

24. But as Society tries our Zeal and our Patience, so it puts us much to the proof of our wisdom, and that both in matters of Religion and Relation.

25. And as concerning matters of Religion, both in the carriage of religious exercises, and of religious conference.

26. Religious exercises are as necessary as it is to depend upon God for the prosperous carriage of our affairs; for God will be depended upon in his own way; It is the base and atheistical opinion that people have of having to do with God (as if it were but so much labor lost) that makes them grudge the time for holy Duties, and make as if a day of humiliation would undo them. Look upon prayer as a familiar communing with the most glorious God; as the Supplyer of all wants; as a Shelter from all dangers; as the Setler, Sanctifier, and Prosperer of all Businesses; and is it possible to neglect it? Worthy thoughts of better things will shift for time, and devise ways whereby to enjoy them, only Infidelity abandons Duty.

27. Let it be the shame therefore of those that profess themselves Believers, to think that Piety is against Profit, and that there is no gain in Godliness; yet times for our general and particular Calling should be discreetly divided; religious exercises should be fitly ordered, and those Prayers (in particular) that are made with others should be framed according to the State and Condition of our Family or Company; Not so hard and high as that the Simple cannot understand them; not so simple and insufficient as that they that have understanding cannot relish them; not so long as that the weak cannot bear them; nor so short and overly as to nourish Security, and to accommodate Unghostly men in their aversnes from holy Duties by the sleightnesse and cursorinesse of them.

28. As for Christian and Spiritual conference, and that continual, (as opportunity shall offer itself) it is both the duty of men faithful, who are called upon to exhort one another daily; and the character and mark of men fearing God, who speak often one to another, Mal. 3. 16.

29. Yet difference is to be made between Persons and Persons; Some be Superiors in age, abilities, office, before whom it becomes Inferiors rather to offer things to consideration, than to affirm; Some are weaker, and of better hearts, others wiser and of better parts; good and ghostly things will be accepted of those, but wiser things as well as better must be brought to these, for though they approve all holy things, yet they relish higher. Again. Some are willing and able to speak of better things, (and haply not able to speak well of other things) to these come purposely to talk of God and Heaven, and do it plentifully; but give not Weaklings more of Spiritual conference than they are able to accept; rather mix (as Sawces) civil, moral, pleasant, (but some way profitable) speeches; yea, if men be so unghostly and Ungodly, that religious conference will not be admitted, join with them in civil, to prevent profane.

30. And distinguish also between Times and Times; between a private visit, (wherein Christians shall do well to sit together on Earth as Saints in Heaven, and to pour forth themselves one to another in the fullness of Spiritual discourse) and a common feast, wherein though they ought principally to intend God's glory, yet they are permitted also to cheer up themselves with such things and words as are suitable for 〈◊〉 refreshing of the out • ard man in an human 〈◊〉 : Not but that •… en in such meetings •… ere should be a mixture •… better things, (and •… me be so happy as to •… merry and wise too, •… d to convey pious •… ings with pleasure and •… th power also) I say, •… t but that in such me •… gs there should be a •… ixture of better things •… hats no Christian me •… g that shuts out Christ) •… t in other meetings, •… when people be more •… both to speak and to •… ear things spiritual) a greater measure.

31. Such cautions being observed, they that fear God do like themselves in speaking often one to another. But often is not all; Christians must be good and wise; Goodness speaks much, and Wisdom speaks well; and very well it should be, because when they that fear God speak often, God still stands by with his book of remembrance; and how wise should the Speaker be when God himself is the Noter.

32. That Christians may admonish one another, the word of God must dwell in them; Its the great fault (I do not say of Christian but of) Christians - conference, that they speak out of their own heads, without their books or their guide, their Bible or their Pastor, and of those things most whereof the Scripture speaks least; indeed of things curious and disputable, rather than necessary and profitable: A thing the more to be both marked and feared, because the spending and engaging of men's time and talk, and wits, and zeal in niceties and more refined Speculations, tends—1. to a slighting and a kind of loathing of the plain and main things of Scripture, as • oo low for so great Proficients to look upon: and 2. to a separating from • he Churches of God, as • oo corrupt for men so ghostly to abide in.

33. To prevent this the better, as the word of God must dwell in us, so it must dwell in us richly, that we may not need to rove other where to make ourselves rich in Religion. Now because men may talk much of Scripture, and yet talk but little Scripture; (for Scripture is not itself unless taken and spoken▪ in its right sense) therefore▪ the word of God must not only dwell in us richly, but rightly, and in all wisdom, that is, with a right and judicious interpretation and apprehension, that so we may the better, when we meet together, teach and admonish one another.

34. Withall, Christian Conference must not only abound, and be sound, but it must (as the Scripture everywhere speaks) edify, that is, it must be seasonable, suitable, and so ordered and carried as shall be most for the building up of the Company before whom it is delivered.

35. He that builds must first clear the soil, that is, get some rights and interests, some good affections and estimations among them to whom he speaks; or (at least) be able to produce a good calling, that he may not be diverted with this sad and sour demand, upon what acquaintance or title do you make so bold as to build here.

36. Next, he must lay a good foundation; and not rear a high and weighty frame (such as Zeal is willing to make) upon such sand and soluble matter as will not abide a Storm. Good things had need to be so much the better laid, by how much they are worse loved, and he that would speak hopefully in things not pleasing to nature, is put to it to speak convincingly, for men will never receive things against their will and their reason too.

37. A sound foundation being laid, he must build, not hay and stubble upon it, but what will abide trial; for as a man would be loath that all his building should fall with the foundation, so he may be very sory too that all the building should fail but the foundation; to wit, for want of a right and workman▪ like raising his frame upon it. Wisdom is needful for every Builder, though most for a Minister, who, though he be not a Paul, yet may be called, in respect of People, a Master-builder, 1 Cor. 3. 10.

38. The manner of Building is a material thing also; knotty timber requires the Axe much, and some must be saved with Fear, whether they like it or no, for its sure (if they be saved) they will like it; others (happily) are so meekened and made ready by the grace and hand of God, that there's no cause why hammer or axe, or any iron or harder tool should be heard, and if it be so, he hath a hard heart that will strike but one needless stroke, on such have compassion, Jude v. 22, 23.

39. As for the fashion of the Building, wisdom is a winner, and the commendation of a Spiritual builder is, to raise upon a good foundation, a substantial frame, in an amiable form; amiable, and yet variable. All men love not to have their Houses built alike: Some love higher Houses, and delight that others should set up in their hearts, a most spiritual and heavenly structure: others love a lower piece, and cannot be abstracted from the world, and from affairs, yet in truth they are: and upon Meditation, but not in such a height, and with such devotion, either because of the necessity of their Calling, or the propension of their minds to secular employments and engagements: in which respect something must be yielded, and they that would edify, must (as our Savior speaks) tell them of earthly things that is, speak of heavenly things in a more human and rational, rather than in a more ghostly and spiritual way; and (withal) so limit their Christian discourse, as to let them see that as they be willing to advantage them in regard of their Souls: So they be loath to prejudice them in regard of their Affairs. To go on, Some there be that like a Wide house, and to be left wholly to that large room which the Scripture puts them into in its general rules; others love lesser rooms, and to have the generalities of Scripture drawn down for a regular and strict course in all particulars; for where grace is less advantaged by natural abilities, it had need be more assisted and encouraged by outward observances. Thus there being a latitude in Religion, and God being pleased to dwell in Houses of different Forms; Building-Christians may not contend to have all as one, neither stand with men that are truly willing, that with them Christ should have a house to put his head in, about the fashion of the building; only the foundation, the materials, and the main parts of the building must be alike in all.

40. Generally, As the Constitution of the Patient regulates the Physicians Prescript; So we should observe in all religious Communications what will take, and how much: Give Christians leave to leave with an appetite, even when the Conference is pleasing; and if (haply) it be less grateful, and carry a reproof with it, then, as the main project of the Physician is to preserve nature, and to maintain himself a party, in the body of the Patient; so ever look to this, to preserve love: Be so wise at one time as to be welcome at another, yea so sweet at one time as to be sem for at another.

41. As Christian wisdom is seen in the exercises of Religion, so also in our ordinary relations, amongst which that of Pastors may well challenge the first place; concerning whom, the Rule is, esteem them very highly in love for their works sake. Nor is due and just estimation to be entertained only, but (as there is occasion) to be declared; for as outward expressions without inward and real respects are reputed a Flattery; so an inward estimation, not seconded by outward and answerable acknowledgements, is in danger to be reckoned a Dissimulation. The heart is the treasury of good affections, not the prison.

42. Yet Ministers require no such respect as to debar their People from being their private and modest Remembrancers, whether of defects or faults; for as People have from Pastors a ministerial, so Pastors have from People a Christian assistance; but its sufficient when they have to do with Ministers and men apprehensive▪ to intimate the former; and while they have to do with men conscientious and tender, to touch the latter. Not that things not justifiable should be favored in any: but Men look to have so much right done them as not to be worse thought of than they are. Now a frequent and importunate Monitor, reports himself to have either a dull or an hard-hearted▪ hearer.

43. Christian Remembrances from People to their Pastor, as they ever require due observance, so do they relish best, when they are tendered to them (and so it is when they are tendered to any other) as acts of obedience and conscience, proceeding from them not as men affecting such an office, but as not daring to omit such a duty: its one thing to speak of things amiss (especially to Superiors) as those that are bound to do it, another thing to speak as those that are bent to do it.

44. Its good also to be sure things are amiss before a man signify it, else he must needs discover a want either of a good judgment, or of good will, which, though the wisdom and humility of Ministers and good Christians will and should cover, yet People should provide not to discover. Two things are due to all good People, in particular; to a Pastor, Love and Honor: Love covers a multitude of things that are truly blameable: but Honor will not so much as mention that that is questionable.

45. Such things as these are requisite, in point of prudence between People and their Pastor: but the best wisdom of a Hearer is, to make the best use of his Minister, for which purpose Disciples shall do well to propound, and Ministers to accept and countenance, useful Questions: but propounded they should be at fit times without molestation, and urged with modesty, as by those whose meaning is not to maintain an Argument (theres difference between a Disciple and a Disputant) but to obtain an Answer.

46. Upon such Proposals, Ministers do for present (as need requires, and as occasions permit) debate the matter, and perhaps deliver their judgments, which people are reverently to receive, and to entertain, as those that are willing to take resolution as well as to seek it; not but that they may examine any man's judgments (as the Bereans did Paul's Sermon) by Scripture, or by Reason; but not oppose it by mere opinion. I grant indeed there may be some belonging to a Ministers charge of extraordinary parts, knowledge, and judgment, to whom therefore more is to be granted; but (to speak of that which is ordinary) it is not equal nor modest (when Teachers and Scholars confer together,) for the Scholar and Disciple to oppose judgment with judgment, nor to be high and peremptory, (though with some show of reason) for if the Teacher have not better reason for the present, yet he may have.

47. But whatever Pastors and Teachers say for the present, yet as preaching is a Ministers principal task, so is it a Hearers highest help; what Hearers propound, Ministers do (perhaps) more observe than answer when they propound it, and choose rather to speak better in public, than more in private; and public Sermon-solutions are absolutely best, (unless in some private and personal Cases) as being—1. more general; what satisfaction I alone should have in private, many by my means and proposals have in public—2. more full; and (by reason of study and meditation) more full of sufficiency than those can be that are delivered suddenly—3. and more effectual; by informing the mind, and satisfying the conscience, as being held forth in God's principal Ordinance, to which he hath promised his special presence and blessing, and with the prayers of the Minister and the whole Congregation that that blessing may be bestowed.

48. Yet the occasions, gifts, and dispositions of men being different, and some being more addicted to Discourse than Meditation, (and more happy in it also) nothing can be here certainly defined, nor is it needful; for the wise and careful Christian will quickly see what he may have, and how he may best have it, and accordingly manage the matter so as to obtain his own best assistance, with his Pastors best acceptance.

49. Next to the Minister, our Wisdom will be well employed in carrying ourselves commendably to our Neighbors and Friends, whether called by the grace of God, and sanctified, or (as yet) uncalled.

50. With those that are truly good, we shall do well to converse—1. with more familiarity and openesse of heart, as being of one household, however Un-united by external allyances;—2. with entireness of affection as being children of one Father, whatever outward distances there be; —3. with respect to edification, as being Servants of the same Master, for whose use we ought to improve one another; In this regard, the sum of our Duty is, to assist in Persons regenerate, the part regenerate, and that according to that good and perfect, and acceptable will of God, whereby the renewed mind ought to be guided. A thing the rather to be marked, that our Zeal in the pressing of Persons well affected, may be employed with respect to Duty, not Phansie▪ so as to nourish grace in them, not humor; and so as to beat down sin in them, not civility and humanity: In brief, that that is contrary to God's word, not our way.

51. As for those that are Un-called, the rule is, to carry ourselves towards them wisely; It sufficeth (in a sort) to carry ourselves towards the good innocently, but as for those that be without, as all Un-converted persons are in a true and a sad sense; Innocency needs Wisedoms assistance for the avoiding of anything blameable, though but in appearance. It belongs to our Sanctity and Sincerity, not to be Faulty, but to our Wisdom, not to seem so.

52. Particularly, we shall do well before unregenerate Neighbors and Friends, to carry our selves,—1. Innocently, then shall not they harm us, then may we the better hope to win them. —2. Meekly, for if they be bad, so were we, and if we be good, so may they. —3. Kindly, if Barbarians show no small kindness to Christians, shall Christians show no great kindness to Barbarians, and Persons unacquainted with religion? if those that we wish were good were found to be very neighborly, shall we harden them in their Condition by being behind with them in Kindnesse?— —4. Courteously, being affable, amiable, willing to keep correspondence and to comply with others, not against Conscience, but against natural Disposition, and the bent of our Spirits; which must be so far ordered and mastered, as that we withdraw not from Neighbors and Friends, as those that be loath to look upon them; that's against humanity: nor be sour towards them, that's against civility: nor refrain causelessly commō meetings with them, that's against the laws of love and human society. —5. Christianly, in regard of all the former, carrying them all with an aim at their Conversion; and trying them whether they may be made good by any good words or ways of love; but not tyring them in the trial. By such courses as these we shall either allure them to our Profession, and (if God will) gain them, or else honor our Profession before them.

53. But Friends and Acquaintance are further off; In the Family, where our residence is most required, our prudence is tied to a continual task.

54. Therein (haply) some are Equals; and toward these we must carry ourselves humbly, not haughtily; and cheerfully, not dully and lumpishly; one Friend is not to be a Stone to another, out of which nothing can be gotten; but a whet stone, to sharpen and quicken to such conference and converse as is both pious and profitable, both for the advantage of their Souls and their affairs.

55. Others in the Family are Inferiors, towards whom we must be careful to exercise Religion, Justice, Patience:—1. Religion in the countenancing of that that is good, and discountenancing of everything that is evil. It is not to be spoken how much good Superiors do by casting their favors upon them that fear God; and their frowns upon the Sins and corruptions of their Charges.—2. Justice, The care of those that are not equal (but advanced above others) is to do that that is equal; trembling to abuse their power and preeminence to oppression. —3. Patience and condescending, and that so far as to let my Servant know, that as I am his Master, so Reason is mine, and much more Religion.

56 The nearest Familyrelation, and the dearest, is that of man and wife, wherein Love is the wifes due, and Subjection the husbands; Honor is a thing belonging to them both; to the husband as the Worthier, to the wife as the Weaker; as a costly piece of Plate is laid up choycely, and a curious Glass handled tenderly; the one because of the value, the other because of the beauty and bricklenesse.

57. Its an easy matter for the Wife that is the less and the tenderer, to love the Husband; but of greater virtue for the Husband (that is the higher) to love the Wife, and of especial efficacy also, turning all the wheels in the Wifes frame for the Husbands use; for Love in itself is an amiable and attracting Virtue, but withal it includes an estimation; hence the love of eminent men is a Rarity; for they look upon what is in others as great Merchants upon petty Markets, wherein there is nothing but things too poor for them to prize. Now Estimation is the greatest encouragement to Action and Accommodation; the Wife therefore discerning herself to be a Person prized and her Husbands delight. Delights to do that only (and all that) that may accomplish the Husbands desire.

58. A Husbands love will never take away the Wifes fear: Virtue begets Reverence (especially in those who do not only behold the beauty, but enjoy the benefit of it) and love is the Husbands proper Virtue: Familiarity may breed Contempt in a political and civil distance, but not in a conjugal; which is not like the head politique and the body, in which either part uses too much to shift for itself, that to maintain an honor, and this to obtain a benefit: but like the head natural, and the members that are so endeared, that the head is never in damage of contempt for dealing kindly with the inferior members. Besides, that God so blesses what he requires in the Husband, that is, entire love, that it shall never hinder him of what the same God requires in the Wife, that is, hearty and seemly respect.

59. As Love must be the Husbands study, so is Subjection the Wives duty, I say, Subjection; a sad word, but a thing not only easy, but sweet, if the Husband mind his duty first; The Husband loves, the Wife serves; and who are not Servants most willingly when they are loved most dearly? Love was never yet known to be a Tyrant. Besides, in him that guides and carries things by his Command the ability is required, and by him the adventure is born; the Wife hath the ease to walk only in the way chaulked out, neither cumbered with the managing of the business, if it be difficult, nor blamed for the success, if it be disasterous; Add to this, that it is the custom of Love in the Husband to put the Wifes counsel into his own Command, and so to obey him, is to please herself, and to fulfill her own mind.

60. If it so fall out, that the Husband be more imperious than wise, and have more mind to rule than to love, it sends the sad Wife to see why she chose him, but doth not privilege her to disobey him; here her Wisdom must facilitate her Subjection, which instead of denying Obedience, prevents Commands; for which purpose, if she foresee anything unlawful, her piety pleads for the prevention; (and that so, as to take no Nay) if unreasonable, her wit; if unpleasing, her interests; and by these means (but ever with prayer to God, for though it do not belong to Wives to rule their Husbands, yet to God it doth) I say, by these means, the matter is like to be well amended: If anything be yet heavier▪ that will not make Disobedience lawful, but it will make Obedience laudable, and much more thank-worthy: and its like to be as profitable to the Wife, as commenlable in her, the doing of what God requires of her, being the only way to change and mollify her hard Husband, not only because meekness and submissiveness hath a melting quality in any heart that can relent, but because where God's will is performed, God's power (that is able to alter and order all things and persons ) is more hopefully expected, and the more like sooner or later) to be obtained.

60. Nothing more alienates Maried▪ persons than the studying of each others imperfections and errors, which as they should keep as much as may be from others eyes, so from their own thoughts; the observation of them is too much for others, the meditation for themselves.

62. The best way to live comfortably (therefore) is, for the Wife or Husband to look upon their own faults, but upon the virtues or perfections of their comfort; the first of these begets Patience; the later maintains Love.

63. Wilfullness is a fault inexcusable everywhere; but if a Wifes Weakness raise up stirs and debates, that's the Husbands fault, for why is he a Man (endued of God with more knowledge) but that he should dwell with his wife according to knowledge, that is, according to that knowledge that is in him, not that infirmity that is in her, using his wit for the covering of her weakness? or why is he a Husband, but to put a veil over, and to cast an honor upon the weaker part of himself? and equal it is that he should be a covering to her when she needs it, who, when she needs it not (and out of the case of weakness) is a crown to him.

64. To sum up all Man and Wife should live together as Fellow heirs of the grace of life, and those that stand Godward, and Heavenward, in an equality; if life belongs to him, so doth it to her; if grace help her to that life, so doth it him; if he be an heir of this life, in that she is his fellow. This should make the Wife bear her Subjection with much more meekness, and the Husband also to carry his Superioritie with much modesty and mildness.

65. Yea, both of them to use Marriage-contentments with much moderation, to wit, as those that are to live together but for a while here, but hereafter forever; and that after another fashion; for the fashion of this world passeth away, & no estate here affords any other than a perishing come fort; and a poor also, as being of too low a nature to be heard of when once we come to Heaven, and why should we that are appointed to heavenly glory, engage our affections in those pleasures that are altogether unworthy that place, and not rather enter (as much as may be) into acquaintance with those comforts which we shall never shake hands withal, but have a full fellowship with hereafter? Meat and Drink, and Marriage, are for our need (while we are here below) rather than for our honor; it becomes us not (therefore) to lie down, and wallow in them, but to lap (with our hands) and leave, reserving our hearts for and settling them upon the glories of that place, wherein, they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the Angels of God.

66. If the Family, be blessed with Children, God must be blessed for them, and thankfulness must be shown in carrying the course of our dealing so with them, as to sit them for his use, from whom we have them. In this care, the whole Family (if it may be) should concur • e, (the unregenerate part gets strength, if there be but a Servant to hold with it) but (however) Father and Mother should perfectly agree together, that children may not take a boldness to themselves in things evil, by discerning (which they are quick to do) a protection for their Unjustifiable ways in Parents discords. Joynt Opposition masters Corruption, but Family-faction is the bane of Education.

67. The rule of this Education is, Teach a Child; Its true, such cannot understand what is taught them in the things of God; nor did Christ's Disciples underderstand divers things that he taught them while he was amongst them; Its well that the seed is sown, and good things lodged in the heart; the fruit must be expected; and when the Spirit comes (that quickeneth all things) it will be produced from that very seed that in Childhood was received, nor shall they depart from that very teaching when they be old, whereof they seemed to take no notice when they were young; Not but that (divers times) i • falls out otherwise: but the course (for all that) is God's course, which he will make effectual according to his own counsel, and which (if it reach not further, yet prevails ordinarily for some good restraint, 2 King. 12. 2.

68. The best time and ways of instruction, Parents themselves (that mind the duty) will well discern, only the thing must be done, and neither idleness and dullness, nor averseness from better things (when twice so much time is spent in impertinencies) nor an indisposition to that particular duty, nor worldliness and business (which is so presented by Satan, as if half an hours Catechising were an irrecoverable impediment) I say, neither these, nor any the like things should hinder the bringing up of Children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

69. Unto instruction, correction must be added, that puts in wisdom, this drives out folly ; of this Correction there must be,—1. a clear cause, to wit, the childes foolishness, not the correctors frowardness; —2. In it there must be a calm heart; it is not good to give a Medicine scalding hot; and—3. ejaculations and prayers to God do well with correction; for the rod is not only an instrument, (fit in reason, to do a child good) but an ordinance appointed of God for that purpose, unto which also God hath annexed a promise that it shall drive out and scatter, even Fast-boundfolly; now every promise bespeaks a prayer.

70. It belongs to Parents to lay up for children, but withal, to make them able (in a way wherein they shall glorify God and profit others) to lay up for themselves; This is done by disposing them into a sit and useful calling, with respect to the abilities God hath bestowed on them, and the inclinations he hath planted in them: for their condition must not appoint their calling, but their Talent; A man must not seek out such a Calling as will provide best for him, but wherein he shall do most for God: Not but that a man may look to live by his Calling, and according to the charge of Children he hath, to lay up with it: but first seek the kingdom of God, and the glory of God, that other things may (and then other things shall) be ministered and added.

71. Disposition in marriage is (for Parents) the highest duty, and for Children (being well discharged) the happiest, wherein the principal thing to be regarded is, the fear of God: for let the World esteem or disesteem Religion as they please, yet this is the Sentence of Scripture, Favor is deceitful, and Beauty is vain, but a woman that feareth the Lord, (and its true of a man also) she shall be praised. Its not to be denied but a good nature (if any nature were good) is a great sweetner of Society, and would do pretty well if man and wife were to live together only in a human way, (wherein virtuous Heathens will completely keep them company) but being that they are to live together, as Christian and Christian, that they are to walk together with God as well as with Man, and with one another, yea and to converse together as Fellow-heirs of the grace of life; whats a good nature (in reference to these things) but the white of an egg, which hath this in it, that it offends not; but this withal, that it relisheth not? Let it be the praise of good natures, that they contradict not goodness, but is not this a deep defect that they contribute nothing to it? Good they be for the six days, but on the Lord's day, what is there pleasant in them but their Patience? Its true that a fair nature rustles with religion in a froward, and seems to get the better; yet to them that love to live in a course beyond nature, and to see God in a Companion (not Cato, Socrates, Phocion, &c.) Grace with all its faults will be better than refined Nature: A piece of Gold is better though it needs its allowance, than the completest piece of Silver, and fretfull Jonas will be found more lovely than the meekest Mariner, or the sweetest Nin • vite.

72. The next thing to be looked at (after the religion of a Consort) is the good discretion; for Wisdom exceeds Folly, as much as Light exceeds Darkness. This is true in all, but in those especially of better parts. If a Daughter be to be disposed of (of more worth) nothing is more to be feared (next to an Ungodly ) than an Unworthy Husband; for the duty of a Wife is to be subject, and with what patience shall wisdom be subject to Folly? It may better be born if there be eminency of gifts on the Husbands part, and infirmity on the Wives; and yet, this is a business also, for a Husband ought to love his Wife, and there's such a distance between Wisdom and Weakness, that there will be work enough for a more than ordinary Wisdom to love (with a Husbands love) a Woman of more than ordinary Weakness.

73. After this, Marriage-affection requires a pleasing person, I say after this discretion, which is of the greater consequence (even in the matter of affection) than an external amiableness is; for this is the difference between Discretion and Beauty, that Discretion is a thing still continuing and still thriving; hence the love grounded upon that, both stays and grows: but Beauty may be gone suddenly and (howsoever) is going continually; hereupon, the affection must needs fall with the foundation; yet it combines on both sides (in her especially that is to be the desire of a man's eye, ) of no small importance, which, suppose (erelong) it loose its luster: yet divers things that will not abide to the last, may serve for the rooting and settling of affection at the first.

74. Nor is a Patrimony and Portion to be contemned where a Family and Posterity is to be raised; Fathers must not only lay out, but lay up for their Children, and it is not easy, nor a thing so likely that they should lay up much who begin with nothing: Besides, we would be willing to live so, as to express Virtue, and draw a just reputation from others by the beams of beneficence dispersed from ourselves; now though Wisdom and Virtue be truly, yea and eminently good in itself; yet it is evidently good with an inheritance, in which regard, howsoever a worldly portion is justly reckoned a very bad Leader, yet neglect not to look upon it as a useful Follower.

75. All these things do in special manner concern the Parties themselves that are towards marriage; only Parents are to see that they do not (out of self will and imperiousnesse, or for vain and worldly ends, or out of self-respects) hinder their Children from walking in, but rather do all they can by their counsel and authority, to guide and carry them in a right and regular way in a matter of so great importance. When God hath given Children unto them, as his Trustees, a chief part of their care lies in this, to take • eed how they give them away, and into what hands they put them for a continual, and perpetual abode.

76. Marriage being according to these (and the like) Rules religiously managed, as it is an estate honorable in it self, and in God's account, so shall it be honorable also in the judgment of all those that do impartially observe it, yea and in the Consciences of those Men that do ungroundedly oppose it.